Suicide is comforting. It provides a real and gritty image in my mind when I look at my life in my right hand and envision committing a violent suicide in my left, I feel a little better about my life. I HATE when people say that suicide is the “easy way out” which is what hurt survivors say– never understanding how hard and how heavy that gun is when you lift it to your waiting mouth and hear the gun click, ready to fire. Those people don’t understand what it’s like to plan your own death for weeks on end every time you leave work, and ride the bus alone, or nights when you can’t sleep and all you can feel is paralyzing loneliness. They can’t understand what drives a person to want to kill themselves in any fashion- violent or not. They can’t understand the complex thoughts running through the mind of someone kind enough to leave a suicide note. And it IS kind to leave a note. No closure is worse than open abuse for some. I know I need closure for everything, otherwise it stays an open wound. I have many of those.
Reading this site gives me a strange kind of hope. I told my friend yesterday that I found a group of people online to accept me and that I accept you all. And odd bunch, but they accept me. It’s hard to talk about suicide to my friends. The first thing out of their mouths is “don’t do it”. As if, by telling me not to, it’ll stop me if i so choose to go that route. I think people misunderstand suicide because of the A) religious teachings that say it’s a sin to kill yourself. B) Blinding optimism. C) having lost someone to suicide. Sometimes you’re so far down the rabbit hole that there isn’t a way to find up or down and all you have is the choice, here and now to decide if being this lost and this alone will be when you’re comfortable enough to make such a difficult and respectable choice. I respect suicide and those who manage to accomplish it. I hold them in incredibly high regard because, as I’ve stated, it’s hard to kill yourself. I’ve thought about it night and day for many weeks now, but I often cry at the fact that I don’t have much of a way out. I don’t have the money to buy a gun to keep, just in case. I do have friends that own guns but I can’t steal them and implicate them in my death. Plus he’s got cameras all over his house. I’d be caught before I could get away with it. I work in a pharmacy but all the good stuff that will do me in, is locked in a safe that’s watched by a camera, and so is the other safe with all the pain medication in it. I’d be caught faster than I could get away with it. Plus, it would set a new practice in pharmacies to prevent suicide related theft. How annoying. It’s stupid enough that we have to keep all the norco and Vicodin in a safe anyways. Needles scare me but I’ve thought of injecting heroin. Smoking it will just make you pass out but it won’t shut your system down. You’ll just overdose and look like a god damn idiot at the hospital. That’s the one thing that I don’t have any respect for–failed suicide attempt. If you really wanted to do it, you know when and how so no one stops you. When I was in the seventh grade, I had a friend commit suicide. It was painful but he was seeking pain. At least that would make it make sense to him. He was in a lot of pain and couldn’t understand why. I was with him a few days before he passed. We stole a tiny liquor bottle out of one of our friend’s parent’s stash. I didn’t drink at the time and he said he’d save it for later. When later came, he opened the bottle, penned a letter and downed the remaining booze. He went to the back yard and got a machete to slice himself open with. Now that’s some pretty hard to do shit right there. His body was found a day later when he was long gone. No locked doors. No unplugged phones. No “cry for help” attitude. Quick determination and crippling pain as the motivator. I admire his strength and his courage to actually complete his goal. I mourned him, but I knew that he wanted to die and in this country it’s illegal to ask for help. I love him more now, than before. He showed me that life is a choice and it’s always your choice. You can choose to live and if you don’t want to, you always have the option of death. There’s many avenues to death but you can find the right one for you if you just look. For me, I have to keep looking. There’s something out there for me and for you too. I think mine might be ********. I’m likely to order some tablets just to have and keep in a safe. I know it’d scare my friends to read this article since I actually don’t have a bad life. My parents love me and I them. My little brother is growing up to be quite the handsome man. My boyfriend and I just split but I am an attractive woman. I’m the “no one can resist white goodman when he wears his shiny shoes” attractive. Lol. But really, I am a pretty girl whose the lead singer of a band, former model. I do have a side of me I’m not proud of, but that doesn’t ache me. I’m a drunk and a druggie. It’s a big secret in my life but I’ve been an internet stripper at a ripe and tender 18 and that’s also when I began exchanging money for sex. That’s right, I’m a low life hooker. Or at least I was for a couple YEARS. I can’t save face and explain it away but I could try. Still, your judgement doesn’t affect me. I just crave peace. Don’t we all?
11 comments
Good post. Reminds me of a David Foster Wallace quote that goes:
“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.” – David Foster Wallace
That’s amazing quote. Since jumping is my method, it’s going into my suicide note <3
Awesome you should post that. I have that quote in my phone
I liked reading this. You sound like a kewl person.
I’ve got this theory that anybody who does something they’d rather not do in order to earn money is a whore. I’ve been a whore for most of my life, even though no one’s ever paid me to have sex with them. I trade my time/skills for money, just like pretty much everyone else. Don’t put yourself down for doing what you felt you needed to do in order to survive. I have a hell of a lot more respect for prostitutes than I do for preachers.
What sort of band are you in? Will you be touring or playing at any venues around here soon? (I’m in north America).
-All the best.
No tours. Unfortunately we’re just not there yet. We’re still figuring out our flavor. We just got together in December so we ‘re making new material and trying to find permanent members. Thank you for your interest. It’s nice to write something and actually have people read it.
I’m sorry for being blunt, but you’re beautiful, intelligent, talented and loved… You have SO much to live for! I want to die because I am none of those things, if I could have just one it’d be reason to live. Okay you’re ashamed of some of the things you’ve done but you can get clean and start anew. Please don’t give up yet, things can get better for you x
But with your plea don’t you see that this is exactly what I’m talking about? Suicide isn’t my choice today. It will be someday but not today. Once I’m ready to leave this world is when I’ll go in search of peace. Some people find the measure of their life and their happiness and their ability to continue to cope with incredible circumstance makes people feel differently about death. Your plea, although well intentioned is wasted. I’ll have to write some more on a couple other topics but for now, all I can say is that people don’t always know what’s right for them and they make choices. Sometimes they’re the right ones and sometimes they’re the wrong ones. My belief is that our souls are in a large cycle of their own. When we pass from here, our soul energy goes into the soul energy of the planet. I believe our souls return in different manifestations of life and our souls carry our life lessons learned from many lives. To me, it is being free, but being free can be accomplished without death.
Lilith… I’ve always attributed that name to seduction and vice… Faust? I recognise that name from an old German anti-tank weapon (Panzerfaust) which would punch a hole through Allied armoured vehicles (thus “faust” = “fist” if memory serves correct).
A friend of mine used to sell her body to support her habit from a younger age than you. She made the choice to leave that life behind and had since found it in herself to seek forgiveness, not from anyone else, but only from herself. It’s worked out for her so far, and two years later she’s going towards a university degree (from our last communication). You can’t leave that part of you behind – no one can – and it doesn’t stay in the past; it follows you with each passing day. It’ll remind you that, yes, you’ve made “mistakes” (open to interpretation) but that you can also move past them and rectify your life – if only for a time.
Anyway, I hope it all works in your favour for whichever path you choose to take. Best of luck with your band and with life in general.
Hoo-ah.
Lillith of Jewish folklore as Adam first wife in the garden of Eden. When she wasn’t subservient she was cast out and got replaced her with Eve. Often described as a female demon, Lilith is a strong-willed woman.
Faust, is in fact German. I am not familiar with the war tank but I am familiar with the story of Faust. An old wise man who grew tired and bored with life and after trying to kill himself and failing he makes a deal with the devil. He asks for wisdom, riches and youth(in some versions) in exchange for his soul. It only ends in ruin as with all tales involving deals with the devil.
Thank you for reading. I’m glad your friend got her stuff worked out. I’m happy to say that I’m no longer in the business, but I did it with conscious knowledge of the psychological consequences of hooking. It’s no biggie now but it’s definitely not something I’m used to broadcasting to anyone. This was quite a liberating post. I think I’m gonna like it here. 🙂
Thank you.
Seems you’ve had quite a life so far, and it’s good that you keep suicide as an alternative for later instead of it overcoming you in the present. I wanted to point out something tho, you should have sympathy for people who fails. It might seem like a simple affair and a determined person might be able to pull it off, but you always have the luck factor in there which tends to play a bigger part than you’d think. Even people who have taken the full dose of ******** have survived with no explanation whatsoever, even when being extremely cautious. As a matter of fact the deadly dosage was upped by swiss doctors due to that fact (from 9 to 15gr).
Hope you do well with your band (and that you can find stable members, that sure is difficult!) and you keep moving ahead in life too, and i have to say, cool username. I read Faust (still keep my copy) a few years ago thanks to Kamelot’s Epica album (based on Faust story) and it’s great (and they are great too, give them a listen if you haven’t and are into power metal) .
Oh sympathy yes, because it’s not easy to give it an honest try. Respect? No. Why? Good question. I think it comes down to basically, how bad do you want it and how many steps in advance can you plan for.
The unsuccessful get put into a deeper ring of hell than they were in before and I understand that but in reading many unsuccessful attempts, the plans are faulty. Quick to get holes poked in them by predictable routines, avoidable mistakes and extra precautions that weren’t taken like placing a tied off garbage bag over the head as you feel yourself get sleepy. Taking whole tablets and capsules is just plain stupid. You have to break it down for quick effects. It’s just plain bad/no research. Failed attempts are often followed by a want to retry or the realization that you don’t want to die. Death makes things clear that way.