(Didn’t want to highjack that other post again)… Have you ever been so tired and exhausted that you are too tired and exhausted to even sleep? I thought about treatment options today. I really don’t have any. I’ve done it all. I can’t bear to go back into DBT. ECT fried my brain last time and I am still suffering the memory consequences. I really don’t have any treatment options anymore. I’m out of options.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
24 comments
truthfully it’s the opposite, my mind races out of control, I take a tablet to try to make me sleepy but the more I try to calm down the more I lay awake thinking about my life. I have to say again, you did say a lot in your posts etc which shows that you’ve tried so hard and almost succeeded so I can’t really push you. With regards to you running out of options, I feel that could be the case but there’s always silly me wanting it not to be so. What do you feel about having another think, talk to someone in that field, I know I ask too much.
Did we ever think we’d end up feeling this way when we were happy, how could we have know that it was all just temporary and we’d spiral down to this point where only a suicide forum provides comfort from the pain inside.
I honestly don’t know. 🙁
I don’t know if you’re still on the site but I’ll post here again tomorrow Still lost, I feel it’s good to let you know there are people with you, listening to you, at this time.
Sorry… my mom called. I appreciate your kind words. I don’t know what to do. I need a plan but I need the MD I trust to help with a plan… but she is ignoring me.
You know, I can’t remember being happy. There have been fleeting moments of happiness but they never last.
Does your therapist know the seriousness of the situation now, it’s just too important. Can you contact her and if so then if you stress the need to talk perhaps she can try again after this break.
Would it be possible for her to set up the plan with you but recommend another to implement it or does she need to do it. I know it takes time to build up a trust in a therapist etc. and I know it’s the loss of her that is pushing you over the edge but it’s important for you to start to get the help you need. I just feel there is something there for you even after all that you said, you’re suffering withdrawal symptoms which are making a bad situation worse for you.
She worries about me a lot when she is my doctor. I think if I were seeing another MD right now she would be more inclined to meet with me eventually… but I’m so tired of following her recommendations without the certainty that she will reengage.
Well, if I send provocative messages, she gets really upset because she worries about me especially since she isn’t my doctor right now. I’ve text her this week but more asking to meet not telling her what’s going on because then she may block me and I don’t want that at all… I thought about texting Monday just asking her what I should do… we last communicated in July and she wanted me to contact a former colleague in the meantime (while she recovered from cancer, etc.)… what do you think I should do?
That’s a simple answer, you have made you’re peace with yourself, something I haven’t, so you have nothing to lose. Ever since I’ve been on this site I’ve always said to many people here that talking is important, I’ve opened up more here than ever before. Text her Monday and try to see her as you at least know her and how she operates but try to keep boundaries somehow, try to get the meds to help, different ones if necessary. Seeing a good professional is key.
I’d be useless as a therapist as I’m to emotional, can’t help it.
Yeah, she told me a few months ago that she can’t reengage until she can set boundaries and keep them. I really did learn boundaries very well in DBT but then it is a slippery slope… we would email or text and then boundaries are gone. I was certainly at fault but she was too.
Then boundaries will have to be set fairly quickly and that’s something you should mention when you contact her, let her know that it’ll be different this time as you’ve both learned from the past experience. email can be a problem as I suppose it’s less formal than a meeting but I really hope you can get her back on side and I agree with you that you shouldn’t mention to much of the suicide bit at first or she may feel too much pressure, get back to knowing and trusting each other first. If the worst happens then try her recommendation of a different MD but tell her you feel she’ll achieve more for you and that you hope to see her again in due course. You seem more positive at the moment, please let it last, I’ve been worried about you, off to sleep, hope you can get some as well, it’s 6am here in the UK but I work nights filling shelves so I’m normally up at this time.
One last thing I just have to say before sleep, the thing I most admire is that you’re still caring about others, you’ll be posting the problems you’re going through but you’ll be on other posts trying to use your experiences to help others. I hope you can get through this, nige.
Have a good sleep! I’ve spent a lot of time in Oxford and just love it there. I try to tell her that things will be different but the problem is that I can only control myself. At first, she encouraged me emailing her… then we started texting a lot. She doesn’t like anything provocative over email or text… because then she worries. During this break of ours, she said that I can send anything via regular mail but not text or email. The problem is that she has to be comfortable that she can keep the boundaries. Well, she has been ignoring me very well so she is keeping her boundaries – or maybe she will never see me again… and that is my deepest fear
It really is about boundaries and getting the balance right. My first therapist was a young woman who was supportive of me but she left and was replaced with a much older gentleman was said little but just took notes and his manner was very detached and uncaring and I never felt I could really open up. Your MD hasn’t said she won’t see you, if she knew how much she helps you and how much you trust her but it’s that balance again, of help and support but able to walk away, when suicide is mentioned I suppose that can be hard to do but that’s part of the job. If she tells you to go to another MD she recommends for now with her being there in the future then I would as you need to have someone to help over the distress you are certainly in at present and you need to sort out the medication as well as that’s part of the problem. I really hope you can remain positive, suicide is a last resort and there is hope for you, for us both, although I recognise your pain is so much greater and you’re a lot closer to the edge than me. I’ll be here for you and hope that next week you can contact her for a meeting but if you have to go elsewhere then do but I hope she’ll be back for you.
What about seeing her colleague that you mentioned above? (Sorry if I’m intruding on your conversation)
Not at all, we’re all here to help each other and you also have valuable experience of medication and its effects, etc. to help Still lost which I don’t.
@ JustLauren You aren’t intruding at all. I did start seeing the guy she wanted me to but I had met with him a few times when I was inpatient and I didn’t like him. But I did meet him three times… I just felt that there were no guarantees my MD would reengage and I was frustrated following her recommendations and spending so much money without a commitment from her. I guess not seeing anyone at all will not help my cause but I’m just so tired…. Plus she said we could crew valuate after six months (which is now), but she won’t respond to me. So then I lose hope and just spiral down into the abyss. I really can’t do much without hope…
This I am sorry to hear 🙁 I wish I had other options for you.
Nias, I really am intruding in your conversation and I won’t say anything else but this but I feel like you should know that your back and forth with this person actually helped me going through a similar situation. Relationships are a tricky thing most certainly. I currently have a former music teacher I want to build a trust with again and you have helped me out in this a great deal. Thank you for this and again please forgive me for intruding as I just wanted to thank you!!!! Have a great day all of you!!!!
I’ve been helped myself by other posts, it’s good to know that the site can be beneficial to it’s users by bringing together people who can relate to one another.
Still Lost and nias (and anyone else reading, for that matter), would you guys be interested in keeping in touch in some capacity on Facebook? I created a Facebook account specifically for this purpose, and if you wanted to do that, we could keep in touch while protecting our anonymity.
I’ve realized that one of the things I miss the most about the friendship I recently lost was that, most days, we’d touch base here and there throughout the day (we live in different cities). And this didn’t necessarily mean chatting – sometimes it just meant sending and/or receiving a photo or interesting graphic (or whatever) with no commentary. Just one of those “this made me think of you” moments with no commentary necessary.
Obviously, there was a level of intimacy there when we were close, and I’m not trying to replicate that. In fact, although I’d love to read more detailed commentary from anyone who cares to talk to me, I’m not sure I can find the energy or attention span to participate in an intense conversation. Stopping by different posts and leaving some comments here on SP is all I can manage at the moment, and even here, my comments are often so short they probably aren’t worth posting. (I like to think there’s some value just in the acknowledgement, so I post anyway).
In any case, I’ve always been something of an introvert; I find crowds and extended social interaction draining, so I don’t usually mind the solitude, but this friend, he filled a void I didn’t even know I had, and now life just seems so much more… empty : ( and I think the social isolation is getting to me. Just being able to reach out to someone, send a stupid picture, a link to an interesting article, or whatever, to someone who doesn’t mind receiving it would be so nice. Responses welcome but not necessary. (I’m pretty low-maintenance 🙂 )
If anyone is interested, let me know. I’ll probably make a public post in a day or two with a link to that Facebook account, and I’ll leave another comment here with a link to that post. That way I can delete the link after a few days or so. Even though it’s not my primary account and has no identifying info, it still makes me a little nervous having it public.
Just something to think about…
Sure, I will link up to your FB account. Post the link. I don’t care about anonymity so I will send request from my regular account
Good deal. I’m actually about to head to sleep soon (I seem to be capable of endless amounts of sleep these days) but here’s my post, and the link is at the bottom of the page:
http://suicideproject.org/2014/09/sp-you-are-cordially-invited/
(I do feel a bit pathetic for being too lazy to write an original entry)