Every time this happens. Every single god damned time. My doctor has me on several meds. The antipsychotics were working well. It’s been almost a year since my last suicide attempt…
But I can feel it…
Feel the demons coming to grab me and drag me down to their Hell again. Not literally of course but you see my point.
I have a job. I have an apartment. I have pets. I have a boyfriend who loves me and a mother who cares. There is no reason for this disconnection that plagues my life. I can’t feel anything. Nothing good anyways. Happiness seems like a distant illusion. My smile doesn’t reach my eyes. Self harm seems like an old friend who is beconing me home. I promised I wouldn’t hurt myself again. I’m trying my hardest not to. I just feel myself falling..sinking deep…back to the place where I obsess about suicide and death…where I picture myself ending my life..I don’t want to go there again.
I don’t know why I’m reaching out here..I guess I just thought you all may understand..
Bipolar depression is living, breathing, Hell.
4 comments
THIS. Sometimes I think it’s easier when everything is going wrong because at least there are dragons to swing at.
Get on a schedule, eat, socialize, fight those kooky compulsive behaviors- because God knows you don’t want to stay where you are. Then you reach that better place and it turns out you’re still broken and don’t even feel like there’s external justification!
But mental illness is not an easy thing to manage and to get where you are now had to have taken a lot. I hope you keep with it because you have won some hard earned ground.
I am truly sorry for your pain. It Is very real, and the disconnect understandable. I wish minds were kinder to their owners.
Thank you for your kindness. I’m not giving up the fight yet. I logically know there are things in life worth living for, it’s just exactly as you said. Minds can be very cruel to their owners.
I’m sorry for the pain you endure daily. Fight for your happiness in the world with the people you love.
Thank you. And I will 🙂