I feel alone. All the time. It’s the worst feeling in the world. I can be in a crowded place with lots of people and still feel all alone. Sometimes I wonder whether or not it would be worth it to just kill myself and spare everyone around me from the misery I feel. I am very good at keeping it to myself, but sometimes, I slip. And when I slip, people decide they hate me and walk out of my life. That in itself is a horrible thing to have to go through. Just yesterday, one of my best friends decided I wasn’t worth the trouble of knowing, and he told me to fuck off. It hurt so bad that I couldn’t stand it. Now, a little bit of back story before I tell you what I did in response. I used to cut. Not a whole lot, and not usually very deep, but just enough to relieve the pain in my heart. I haven’t cut in over 6 months. But last night, it was too much pain to bear. So I pulled out one of my old blades, and I cut. The unfortunate thing is, even though it takes a lot to make me bleed.. It also takes a lot to get it to stop bleeding once it’s started. So I sat for a good twenty minutes trying to get it to stop. It finally did, but not before I started feeling light-headed. But, during that time I tried to get it to stop, I still had that twenty minutes to sit and think. I wish sometimes I could turn off my ability to think, as it has gotten me into lots of trouble. This time though, this time was different. My mind spiraled out of control quickly, leaving me in a state of shock and confusion. I wondered that if there was really a god out there, why does he let me suffer like this? I was a Christian for a long time, but after last night.. I’m not so sure. Every Christian I’ve met so far has the same bland, dull, dusty response to that question. “He does this for a better purpose.” As far as I’m concerned, that is a bunch of bullshit (pardon language). I’ve gone through too much in my life to even concern myself with a god who doesn’t care. Another thought that crossed my mind.. Why am I even letting myself suffer through this? Despite the fact that I cut, I’m not a masochistic person. If a situation hurts too badly, I will leave. When I thought about that, another horrid thought crossed my mind. “If your life hurts this badly, why haven’t you left yet?” That question has been playing around in my mind for years now, but last night, I finally acknowledged it. I accepted it. My life is NOT going to get better. For years, all it has done is gotten worse. I am so very, very tired of dealing with that pain. Despite all my efforts to lessen/weaken the pain, my depression has only gotten a strong death grip on my soul. I am afraid that if one more thing happens to me, that will be the last straw. Someone.. anyone.. If you hear my words, and you can identify, HELP ME.
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I feel the same way. I am alone. I have no one and nothing i desire. I am curently in a prison like situation. I love you and i hope things will become as you need and like
Thank you.. 🙂
LLS,
I can totally relate on every level of those feelings. I’ve pretty much felt it my entire life. We are pretty much in the same boat, at the same place in life. I use to consider myself a ”Christian” as well. Now, I seriously don’t know. I’ve started to see things much like yourself. I don’t cut anymore. Although there was a time I use to. I’ve been on a downward spiral over the past decade. Although more severe over the past two years. Between my depression, social anxiety and self worth I give myself 6 months to a year in all honesty. You’re definitely not alone in that aspect. The only people person who truly cares about me and whom I care about and love will be gone in a few years. And I just don’t think I can take that, at all. Despite my best effort to change this outcome, this train is on a downhill course and the brakes are out. It will only have one ending. You can re arrange the deck chairs on the titanic however you please, but the ships still going to plunge into the icy waters of despair and agony. I’ve done a pretty good job of hiding most of my depression and anxiety. It’s a dark lonely road. So my heart goes out to you. Although your story might be different, I can understand how you must be feeling. Well if you ever need someone to talk to, I have my email/text in my profile. I wish whenever my time comes, that I could take everyone’s trouble’s with me. Some of the most depressed and troubled people have been the most gifted, talented and promising people. I do believe I am an exception.
I guess that in all honesty, I’m a talented person.. But I am never given opportunity to demonstrate my talents because I am afraid someone is going to notice it, and then they’ll tell my family, and I’ll get yelled at for it.
Hi, I can relate. You and I both need a friend. Would you like to be friends? 🙂
Email me at andrewholstein1@gmail.com
Or kik message me, my username is Kalmahavak
Let’s relieve our loneliness. You and I both need a friend. 🙂 and I’d love to be your friend!
I feel lonely in life as well, I was brought up a christian but not really anymore, you’re right, there is no purpose to suffering, prayers don’t work, no one seems to be listening. There’s not much I can add, I try to be optimistic, to hope thing will change. So many people are lonely in this world, you’re not alone in that but that’s not going to make you feel better and although I hope things will change there’s no guarantee. I don’t know to say that’ll help you but just wanted to say I’ve read your post and know what it’s like to be left behind in this world.
I used to cut when I was in high school and college. After junior year in college, I promised myself I wouldn’t cut anymore..I don’t know why I quit cold turkey that day. It wasn’t because I wasn’t in pain anymore. I was in pain and I have been every day since. Some days are less than others but it’s there.
One day, I woke up and saw in the mirror the cuts on my arms, hated myself even more. Since then I couldn’t look at a knife. I still think about cutting even after 4 years but I still don’t know why I stopped. I hope you find a reason to stop, even if you can’t pinpoint it or know at the time.
Loneliness just sucks. It never seems to go away… But you are not alone. If you can, reach out to a counselor or someone who can help with your depression. I have had depression all my life..but I only took the first step to asking for help last week by making an appointment with therapist at my school. I feel ashamed for being depressed, lonely, and feeling worthless all the time and the most difficult thing for me to do is to admit and to tell someone my dark thoughts out loud.
I can tell you, it helped me feel a little better, different from my original thoughts…
I’m a Girl Who Needs Someone To Comment on My Posts Please I’m in Need of some Support I Could Really Use it Right Now I Don’t How Much Longer I Can Keep Going on Like this Before I My Suicidle Depression Really Does Destroy and Ruin My Whole Life So If Someone Doesn’t Reply to this Comment Soon I Might End up Commiting Suicide and Leaving This World Forever
Don’t kill yourself please. Everyone has something good about them. A little diamond hidden behind you, that only others can see. You can use that diamond to fight off your problems, make friends and gain confidence. Don’t kill yourself please.
That was to The Lost Girl