My stupid reasons for staying alive.

In younger days, when I thought my life was truly bad and even wasted, I casually thought of killing myself. Of course, I wasn’t being realistic. I had never experienced loss. I was alone but healthy, I was in debt but employed, and most importantly, I couldn’t leave my daughter alone with my death.

My daughter kept me alive for 24 years. She was my best reason to stay alive.

“You can have it all, my empire of dirt. I will let you down, I will make you hurt.” – Hurt, Trent Reznor

I used to cry when I heard that song, thinking I could relate. I never needed ‘stuff’. Thinking I could do everything on my own. Thinking I had done monumental things. That I had lived. I was mostly successful at anything I chose to do.

Mostly.

On the outside I looked like a successful single father. I got promoted at work, I dated often. I lived on the beach.

Truth was, I had simply existed, I had rode the waves of my friends, family and mentors. I was lonely as hell and didn’t know how to fix it.

I wasn’t the good father everyone thought I was.  I wasn’t abusive in any way. I simply wasn’t there for her when she needed me most. Like in the song, I did let her down. When she died of alcohol poisoning I was over 1,000 miles away.

“…but I can’t stop thinking
Of all the things I should’ve said, that I never said.
All the things we should’ve done, that we never did.
All the things I should’ve given, but I didn’t.” – Woman’s Work, Kate Bush

Ah, regret! Ah, grief! Now, I truly know pain. Now, I understand what gut-wrenching really means. I know the difference between crying and sobbing uncontrollably. Now, much too late, I realize how narcissistic my life has been. I now know how I wasted my life on myself and I never contributed to anything in a positive way.

On January 22nd, I knew the door was now open for me to leave. My one true excuse for living was dead. What would hold me back?

First, I couldn’t die then. My own death would overshadow my daughter’s. I didn’t want people thinking of me, when the real tragedy was her. I went back to work two weeks after her death.

Months later, I couldn’t because I had a live-in girlfriend. I had to break up with her first.

Now, after I’ve driven her out, I mostly move through life semi-contributing. I still go to work. I still get up each day. But I’m deep in my own thoughts.

I am failing at work. Pretty much every responsibility I have I am failing.

A recent failure brings us to a few weeks ago when I left work knowing I was eating my last meal. I went to a local steakhouse and filled my belly. I didn’t need materials, I had everything at the apartment. No guns, no knives, no mess for someone to walk in on. I had my ‘plan’ as they say. I wasn’t looking to hurt anyone else, not looking to make the news. I just wanted to go away.

Well, I couldn’t off myself that night because my apartment was a mess. My family would have to clean it up. I decided to clean it up when I woke up in the morning.

I couldn’t sleep. I hadn’t informed work that I wouldn’t be in tomorrow and there were 4-5 tasks that they didn’t couldn’t do. I couldn’t die then because I had to go in and get the day started for them at work. I was worried what they think of me.

My boss came in that day. Mostly to check on me and tell me I was redeemable. He didn’t fire me for the failure and was very supportive. Once again, my nice guy image pays off. Riding the wave.

Part of me still wanted to go. But I couldn’t leave my numerous collections out in the open. The apartment staff would steal them. I’d have to get them to people that would appreciate them and who would take them without being freaked out that they came from a dead person. I’d have to think about that one.

And I owed my boss a good try at least.

I cleaned the apartment in one Saturday. I went to a medical doctor for the first time in 10 years and a therapist. When he asked “What do you need from me?” after hearing a 50-minute pouring of my life story I felt my life doesn’t sound bad. Was I just being lazy?

Things should be looking up.

They are not.