In my delusions I somehow managed to convince myself that I’m perfect and there’s nothing wrong with me, again. Yeah I’m a narcissist… my mother isn’t. I’m the problem. I made my mother cry today. It’s not the first time. We got into an argument and it didn’t get very heated but then again that might be another one of my delusions. I just told her I didn’t like her. I don’t have any reason to, but I also don’t have any reason not to. I guess it’s because she is really trying hard to get to know me and actually help me. I’m really […]
Our efforts are those of men prone to disaster;
our efforts are like those of the Trojans.
We just begin to get somewhere,
gain a little confidence,
grow almost bold and hopeful,
when something always comes up to stop us:
Achilles leaps out of the trench in front of us
and terrifies us with his violent shouting.
Our efforts are like those of the Trojans.
We think we’ll change our luck
by being resolute and daring,
so we move outside ready to fight.
But when the great crisis comes,
our boldness and resolution vanish;
our spirit falters, paralyzed,
and we scurry around the walls
trying to save ourselves by running away.
Yet we’re sure to fail. Up there,
high on the walls, the […]
Normal people dont sabotage themselves when they’ve worked so hard to accomplish something because they made a simple mistake and believe they dont deserve any success. They’re not afraid to make new friends because they know they will eventually take off their mask and use those friends up. Normal people dont worry about being alone. They dont care that they are not going to be remembered, or that they wont do anything great. No, normal people are perfectly content with being who they are…
I’m scared of myself. For most of my life: I was very angry at myself. I’d have to build myself into […]
My story might not be important to most,but I’m writing this because I wanted to.I’ve been diagnosed with Bipolar 2 disorder & Social Anxiety disorder for about 5 years now.Been hospitalized 2 times for suicidal ideation ,but as you can tell those weren’t really effective in helping me.Nearing Graduation now,I’m not really excited looking forward my future & such.I actually see my death kinda relatively close now that I think about it.Either it’s the nihilistic apathy that is slowly killing me or the reality check that is the real world.
For me,I’m naturally a cynical,misanthropic,and pessimistic person.That itself does contradict with my personality type which is ISFJ ironically.Ultimately I […]
Just like much of my writing, this probably won’t be read much before it is eventually destroyed… Though unlike most of my writing, this is public… Just thoughts I guess..
I wanted to say.. I wish there was something… Of all the reasons to leave this world, mine is in essence.. I never found my place.. I never found my passion.. Where I fit.. That one spot that actually seems right..
I’m a great jack of all trades and I have passed tested rating me as a genius.. I’ve thought it all out to the point where I don’t have any questions left to ask..
Its just.. Day […]
…is all I feel now. Which is ironic really seeing as its pretty much “feeling’ nothing at all.
I Have been depressed for many years, and suicidal through periods of this time. However I now feel so close its almost like I’m not even in control anymore.
I was in a car accident last week (not a deliberate action might I add..) but all I could think of when I moved my car to a safer place by the side of the road was “I wish I’d died”. There had been an accident right before ours so there were ambulance and police there already who saw the […]
Never occurred to me I could be in a world with so many people and yet feel so alone. Used to think talking would help. It did. But then i lived long enough to grow up. Talking is a waste of time and i dont care to trouble people with my issues. Rough life … Sure but i know others have had it worse than me. My mind and spirit isnt better than the next person nor my tolerace and ability to recover. There is no organ transplant for a damaged spirit. Religion and relationships are wishful thinking. I earn my living helping to ease […]
In younger days, when I thought my life was truly bad and even wasted, I casually thought of killing myself. Of course, I wasn’t being realistic. I had never experienced loss. I was alone but healthy, I was in debt but employed, and most importantly, I couldn’t leave my daughter alone with my death.
My daughter kept me alive for 24 years. She was my best reason to stay alive.
“You can have it all, my empire of dirt. I will let you down, I will make you hurt.” – Hurt, Trent Reznor
I used to cry when I heard that song, thinking I could relate. I never needed ‘stuff’. Thinking I could do everything on my own. […]
I don’t know how much longer I can stand the uselessness of my life.
I hit a lot of those success markers. Â I am 30. Â I have my own place, car, job, life. Â I’ve had a number of intense long term relationships; my ex of a six-year relationship left me in October. Â I have a large group of friends who are, frankly, some of the very best people on the planet. Â I am loved by many. Â I have a Master’s degree in a field where there is at least some work. Â I volunteer. Â I create.
And I just feel done. Â You ever make scrambled eggs and just […]
So yesterday the only friend I had in the world left me. He told me I was a bad person… that I was too fucked uo for him to stick around. How my apathy and suicidal ideation made it bad for him to be around me. And as much as I begged him to stay, and as much as I pleaded, there was no changing his mind.
So I came home. Bought some alcohol, bought out the pain killers. Swallowed 50. Took a blade to my wrist and carved my skin off. Then took a rope and tried to hang myself.
Yet I am […]
So, it’s my Birthday again tomorrow; I’ll be 23. Ever get the feeling of deja vu? Nothing seems to change, aside from an increasing feeling of isolation and a decreasing feeling of motivation for life. I don’t feel human anymore. I don’t want to be alive, I cannot see a way out of my isolation apart from death. Of course, this would seem rather over-dramatic from an outside perspective, from those “just get over it, cheer up!” types. However, for almost a decade now I have had no friends, no connection with others and no affection. I won’t pretend I’m not bitter, because I am, […]
I would come up with a better title if that one didn’t fit so well.
I cut myself.
but cutting, to me, isn’t serious. It gets a larger reaction than it deserves and I just do it for sympathy. I never feel anything when I cut. I only feel when I’m laying on my bed weeping my eyes out until my tear ducts are completely dried.
I blame it on hormones, being a teenager, ect. I can’t take myself seriously. I don’t have a good reason to cry. Why do I take everything for granted? Why can’t I appreciate what I have. Why don’t I feel […]
What will I type? What message am I oddly eager to send, although once I begin typing I have to force myself to continue. This terrible apathy that I have acquired, where I care not when I see my mother rotting away, a wasted life, why do I feel the need to add one more silly post in the thousands that languish here already. In this curious journey of reaching another state of mind, I find myself hating my apathy, oh the irony. All that we, the youth at least, need is a sense of purpose. And if not that, then we would oh so […]
I must have been around 8 or 9 when my mother first brought me to a psychologist. I had to draw a tree and had to talk to the lady. Obviously I must have been depressed but I didn’t know the word for it. When I was 21 I did three suicide attempts over a 2 year period. The internet did not exist then and my method of trying to die humanely (sleeping pills – Lorametazepam to be exact) were not to succeed. Sleeping pills in combination with a bag: no use either. I was only left with the humilation of waking up in a […]
I’m numb. No emotions, no feelings. Nothing.
I don’t care if I get hurt. I kick my toe, nothing.
I hit my head, nothing. I cut my wrists, nothing.
I don’t feel heart ache anymore. I don’t care if I cut to deep.
I don’t even care if my family find out what I write on here.
I’m 16 name is Chaifair, I live in a nothing town with people who just don’t care.
I’m over living my life like a happy little trooper. I’ve been faking my smile all day.
No one knows what goes on in my mind, because I don’t know either.
Depressed over a romantic failure. How familiar does it sound? I was talking to her for almost a year, but she ended up falling in love with someone she knew for three months. It’s a downer. But why would she fall for someone like me? 24, living at home, can’t find a job, and really awkward. Yes, she said its cute and stuff, but cute goes only so far. And it happens again and again.
Looking into people’s eyes has always been a challenge for me. I stutter. I seem to have no control over the tone of my voice and my facial expressions. This makes […]
I never talked about me being sad or depressed with friends or family. I just write here when I feel like it. Sometimes it is too much to carry my thoughts on my own. I thank you guys for reading posts and that gives me a feeling that I’m not alone with these thoughts that most of us experience. I sometimes wonder why is it so hard to speak about such things with friends? I can bet my life that few of my friends feel like shit and feel alone or slightly depressed sometimes. Yet we ask “How are you doing” we tell the […]
Volcanoes are windows into the violent nature of our planet; what goes on beneath our feet, unbeknownst to all but those who poke at rocks. Our planet is violent because it was born into a violent, indifferent universe governed by determinism and scientific laws. It’s no wonder there’s a molten core driving the living systems of the earth.
Human beings are much the same. The only difference is that we’re not indifferent. Maybe the universe implicitly hates its own apathy. Who knows?
When I was 14, I watched my father drag my sister up a flight of stairs by her hair. He beat her with a […]
Has anyone ever felt as if they are just waiting to die? I have a job, great friends who love me, and no REAL reason to not enjoy life. I just cannot seem to get past this feeling that I have accomplished all I am going to, nothing interests me, and I am just wasting time until I die. Would love to come to terms with this and possibly get past it. I have done the therapy thing but to be honest it just seems to aggrivate me, being asked the same questions over and over. Any input, from anyone, is welcome.Â I have edited […]
It’s no matter. Everything, nothing. Please somehow show me how to change myself, to make things better – because so far my efforts are merely in vain. My own mind teases me – “Oh hey, you’re good, you’re great, things are going to work now!”. Give it a few days, if that, back to: “Fuck!! I hate myself! I hate all this shit! I could give TWO FUCKING SHITS about EVERYTHING! I AM DONE!”. Release the beast, the demon, the real me from its temporary hiding place, or maybe cage. Too bad, so sad – it can’t stay there.
I really don’t know what to do […]