Please dont judge me for writing this. I need to get this shit out. You aren’t perfect either, so please dont judge me. Life is a cruel thing, self-hatred is all I am left with, living in a rural place with only snow for company and these terrible things. I can’t shut my perpetrator’s voice off. I can’t shut off the demons. God must really love me, yeah, to punish me so fucking hard. Tired of God. I missed the boat with housing years ago and now will be punished in hell forever b/c of it, forever hating myself, all I want to do is slap myself into the ground, fucking hate myself. Nothing makes it better. Trapped. Yep, just loathsome bullshit, that is all that is left of me. Another CSA survivor told me she thought our friendship (phone, online) had b/c unhealthy and wont be my friend anymore. This is typical of women who never forgive nor forget ANYTHING. Unlike guys who can handle a little upset/anger, women will punish you by saying hasta la vista b/c they are insecure little #43 who hate themselves and have to punish you for being honest with them. What had happened is that I was on the phone with her and felt awful and started to have a panic attack, told her I had to go and that I was sorry and hung up. She felt this was apparently done AGAINST her. I tried several times to wish her happy birthday and noticed on her FB page that she’s written everyone a note but me (I wished her a Hb there). It just tore at my gut somehow, just another rejection. I figured it was a message from her saying fuck you (which of course it was b/c women are petty bitches). I got upset and sent her an email. I never heard from her again (I also unfriended her b/c I couldn’t bear to see her face anymore. i’ve had a lot hurt). I never heard from her and finally sent her a note on the website and received this whole sanctimonious thing back about how our friendship had b/c unhealthy bc she felt she could never support me enough and when i got angry she knew it was unhealthy. bullshit, this is a woman who has issues with other women and was raped by a woman, which is horrible, but i was raped by a man which is also horrible. she didnt want to work shit out. i was punished for showing anger. and i realize that except for a few women who are nice to me most chicks have been vicious bitches to me since i was a child. men are no better, but women just fucking punish you. im not saying i was perfect, but a real friend mighta stuck it out, but yes, i showed anger and upset, however justified or not, and now im not allowed to be her little friend anymore.
fuck women, fuck life, fuck people, im never good enough for any of them, and this is a friend i can do the fuck without.
5 comments
Well you did say it, that is a friend (?) you can do without. I think that more than acting like that because she’s a woman or she’s a vicious whatever she acted like that because sadly, most people tend to get rid of “problematic people” or ignore them all together. You’d think that because they’ve gone through similar situations they would understand, but nope, they either forget, ignore, or don’t even try to understand so you won’t upset their delicate mental balance. I’ve had that happen with both men and women but i do agree that women have been more damaging, at least in my case.
Honestly, i couldn’t even start to count the times that i’ve listened to friends and given them advice, only to have them change the subject, ignore me, or get told to “grow the fuck up” when i need them to listen to me. I guess the only solution is to expect nothing from anyone.
I’m sorry you had those experiences. I think my anger at my mother for abandoning me to my father’s abuse comes out sometimes. I want to be fair and balanced but I do feel that so many women just don’t want to stick it out. You are probably right that they won’t want their mental balance disturbed and apparently I was too disturbing. That’s what I thought too that as a fellow survivor she’d get it but it was like it somehow b/c worse. I did try and apologize to her for any way in which I’d hurt her but I guess it just fell on deaf ears. I think you are right just expect nothing from anyone. I guess my mother was so cruel to me I need to work on anger towards both women and men, I so wish I could feel balanced and not angry. Thank you for your good feedback.
honestly anyone who tells you to grow the fuck up is just horrible you so deserve kind friends who listen to you
It’s not easy to achieve balance when you’ve gone through things like that (abandonment and CSA), and even when you do it’s hard to keep it if crap continues happening, so your anger is pretty much justified and normal. It’s fun and sad that the people that should love you the most can do the most damage and then be so oblivious about it, because even if they didn’t knew any better back then (usually due to age), you’d think they’d have some common sense, but when you see they just continue living by convincing themselves they did nothing wrong… yeah, that’s when you realize you really can’t expect anything and you just have to make a life for yourself.
Thanks for that comment regarding friends. I used to think they said that to help (some people do need to be shocked to react, and i’m pretty stubborn, lol), but later i realized most of the times it was just to change the subject. And yeah, i have no interest on holding on to friends like that.
You totally get it, thank you!! exactly how it is. i have a really hard time with self-blame and self-hatred and i feel decisions are usually cruel and bad ones. its been very hard. being on this board and meeting people who get it helps a lot. you seem very in tune with things and its good to hear from people like you b/c you help people like me who struggle so bad.