Help

I have been so close to  committing suicide the past couple years and I can’t fight anymore.

I suffer from severe depression, anxiety, and PTSD due to a horribly emotional abusive relationship I was trapped in for almost 2 years. I have anger issues. I have separation anxiety. I am plagued with nightmares.

I do not see a chance of happiness in this world.

I live in the shittiest era of the United States I could have possibly been born in. Jobs are hard to come by, and even if you get one, there’s such a lack of interpersonal relationships anymore. It all relies on your ability to work when they want you, as much as they want you, and to do so without complaint.

We are pawns.

Humans grow uglier day after day. We do not do great things anymore.

We verbally abuse cashiers when things don’t go our way, we ignore national catastrophes and problems because it is not our problem to solve.

We are disgusting.

As a kid, I was never given much attention. I grew up feeling abandoned and I haven’t been able to escape the feeling since. I am an artist. I post things online for people to see, but people ignore them. People do not reach out to be and make friends. Nobody notices my talent. I feel like I am a little kid tugging on the sleeve of a giant. I am unseen, I am unheard. I feel invisible.

I always have.

My friends only talk to me when they need something, or if they catch whiff of me being suicidal. Fair-weather friends, they call it. They do not follow up with me to make sure I’m recovering. They do not invite me to do things with them.

No, I am forgotten.

Friends, family, strangers.

Please hear me, anyone. Please.

My partner recently left me because I couldn’t control my temper. I would say bad things, I cannot deny that. I would try. I would try, but I would say mean things.

He was the only person who made me feel like I was heard and seen and remembered.

My period is late. We had unprotected sex. I have been worried sick out of my goddamn mind. I do not want a child. I hate children. I hate the possibility of bringing a child into this world, a world where parents think it is easier to sedate their children with prescription medication then to actually pay attention and wear down some of their kid’s energy the old fashioned way.

I am scared of my family knowing and judging me.

I am a FtM transgender who will never be who he wants to be, inside and out. I hate it. Ever since I was 10, I have looked in the mirror and seen a vile reflection. It is my not looks, but my anatomy that tortures me and mocks me.

When I was 4, my older nephew (yes, he is older than me) sexually molested me multiple times.

When I was 6 or 7 years old, I walked in on my mother trying to kill herself.

When I was 8, my father finally stopped being an abusive alcoholic. He stopped coming home, screaming and yelling.

When I was growing up, I had an older brother with anger issues. He hit me a few times. Sometimes it was just because he was mad at everyone and I was in the way. Other times it was because I wouldn’t let him play my Xbox.

I was a regular cutter back in 2012-2013, and several times before that. I have stopped since early 2014, but have recently begun the dirty habit once again.

I have scars on my thighs.

Please help me.