i realize i haven’t posted in almost a month.

life is still as sucky as ever. i’ve become an automaton, just moving through the motions of everyday life without any joy. my parents still drinking. tonight they’re so drunk they’ve already fought. my mom is so drunk she doesn’t know what she is talking about. my dad was in the room, and i heard her say “what if we had another little baby?” she is 51 years old, smokes, drinks, has cancer, and is in no health to have a baby (besides the fact that she can’t because she’s in menopause). my dad is so drunk he responded with something accusing her of wanting to have another man’s kid. this shit is common when they’re drunk, and much worse things have happened.

then there’s me, just sitting here in my room, hoping my dad will go to bed so that i can finally breathe, knowing there won’t be anymore fighting, for the night, at least. and then the night is over, and the next day i get up and do it all over again. another day of anxiety and depression.

those are the only things i can feel anymore. if i need to feel something else, i have to do it by self-medicating or self-harm. cutting, burning, drinking, eating too much or not enough.

i’m so burnt out on life i’d like even more to commit suicide, just so i can experience something different. but what if there’s no afterlife? i’d hate to think that this is truly all i have or will ever get. besides, i have no method and no access to anything.