(sorry,please forgive me for my bad English)
I joined Suicide project just a month ago.
I found this site when i was searching for The most easiest and less painful methods to kill myself on google. I read all the daily posts of of SP but never had that guts to post my own story. It really inspires me when i see how people are expressing their feelings,because i really can’t express my own feels to anybody.
I never tried to share my feelings to anybody,its really embarassing,
because I know nobody cares..and nobody will..I don’t talk much so they thinks Im moody,egoistic,
selfish,proudy and what not,but they don’t know the reason behind my silence.
Im from India and here its 1:45am right now,everybody is sleeping peacefully,except me, Im still awake,hugging my pillow. I can’t sleep,because my mind is kinda busy thinking about whats going to happen to me in the next 24hours.I really don’t have any idea.
I dont know what am I doing here,because I know nobody is going to give a damn about how am I feeling right now, I have so many problems in my life that now its really getting very hard to deal with them, its been 4years of battling depression(im 17 now), but tonight..is horrible. I have thousands of reasons to kill myself,but don’t know what Am I waiting for. Loneliness,anxiousness, is killing me.I want somebody beside me. My board exam’s results will be declared tommorow. I was a bright student of my class,but Im just a losser now. I don’t want to be a failure again. Its enough now,can’t deal with this pain anymore. Im scared that might be tommorow i’ll have to kill myself.
Just can’t take it anymore. I HATE MYSELF…
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4 comments
Do you have seen Taj Mahal? Its beautiful.
It will be okay, exam results aren’t the end of the world. You should be proud of what you get, and for posting your feelings. No pain, no gain, am I right?
Hello, girl from India. I know how you feel, I honestly do. It seems to me as though you’ve hit a spiral- one small thought or feeling can send a person into a deep, deep depression.
You are wrong when you say no one cares. I do. I care deeply for you. I know that sounds weird coming from someone who doesn’t know you from Adam, but I do, honest. I care enough to give you some reasons to stay alive since you have so many to die.
1. People care about you. I don’t care if it’s just me and others here or if you have people there too, but people do.
2. You are a smart girl. You can do something in the world.
3. You have a long full life ahead of you. You have schools to graduate, degrees to get, jobs to apply for and get, money to make, a guy to marry, kids to have, kisses to enjoy, everything.
3. Life doesn’t end once you graduate. Be there to see the next chapter.
4. You are getting stronger. Every day you put up with this you are becoming a stronger, better, and more mature person.
5. You are brave. Just for posting this and hanging on long enough to read my comment you are brave.
6. You are strong already. Look at where you are today, You’ve made it this far in your life.
7. It will end. Your situation will end. I promise. Life wasn’t made to drag on forever with nothing but pain.
8. I love you.
9. God loves you. I swear that he does. He apparently still loves me, and I’m….well sheesh. I’m messed up and broken.
10. You, however, are an amazing girl. I can tell, AND I can feel it.
11. You are going to be okay.
That’s all I have time for tonight as I have to get up early tomorrow, but hang in there girl (or boy, I apologize if i have misgendered you, I do that a lot). There’s always light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to walk long enough to see it. And i know you are strong enough to get there. You are. And you are worth it. These are not just empty words to make you feel better. They are true, and I meant every word.
I know that what you are dealing with is extremely hard, but you must keep fighting the darkness with light. I believe you can get through this by putting a massive amount of effort in this fight and getting help from family, friends and anyone else. Never give up!