lost/trapt

i feel so lost. my mind is lost in memories of him. im trying to lock my tears inside like my shattered heart. i cant seem to find anything good anymore. i smile but it isnt the same as it once was. it isnt real. it isnt me. i dont know who i am anymore. i still have my life i am just treating it different(as someone told me). i dont want to treat it this way. full of anger, hatred, sadness, envy and tears. i want the friends i had. but i burn everything that is anything to me. i run to the wrong person too many times. ive waited so long for these feelings of him go away. ive tried to push him out of my life. but i feel miserable when i cant even talk to him. i try to get the people that cared back but you cant get the same thing when you have burned everything. instead i just make things worse. i dont trust anyone. ill tell people/ strangers how i feel but it dosnt do any good. i still want to cut myself or kill myself at the end of the day. i go to sleep thinking about him and i pray that i never wake up after i finally fall asleep. i always wake up. it hasnt failed me yet. i wake up disappointed that i am still here. knowing i can not have him. it is my nightmare when he leaves, even in my dreams. sometimes he stays and we have the best times ever and other times i wake up crying and grasping the sheets wishing that once i know i open my eyes he will be there to protect me and assure me that everything is alright. he isnt. he isnt there. he will never be there. i dont know what i did to keep him so far away. God, my stomach is so weak these days. i hardly eat and i am always trying to stay bzy so maybe i wont think about him for a while but it never works. he is always there haunting my mind. his voice in my ear. his face in every person i see. so close. i think he is there. he isnt. he isnt there. he never is. i hate him because i am the last person ever that he would want to be with in any way. it drives me insane being friends and never seeing him at all in person. my mom or other family or anyone can hug me and i dont want to hug them back because i am wishing is was him. i am afraid i wont let go if i get too caught up in him. he isnt even here anymore. why do i care so much for him. it dose not make sence. what is so good about him, anyways. (well i could name so much stuff but i dont really want to because i would proly start crying again and i just stopped sorta) i dont know how much longer i can wait. i know i need to move on. ive tried to convence myself that i need to move on. i keep telling myself that i do. but i doubt myself so much about it. i doubt myself about everything these days. i am completly lost without him. like right now i am just rambling and none of it makes sence to me. it makes sence to me in my head but i write it and it dosent even look like it is coming from myself. i seem more like a stranger. i am a stranger. im a stranger to everyone including myself. i dont know who i am anymore. i used to think i had some things figured out but now i have no clue. who am i? what am i suppose to do? live life? there isnt any definition of living life. you cant open anything and there is the answer. write your own life story. who cares? who would care? people say live life, be happy, be yourself. what if you chose to be yourself? what if im not who you expect? what if im not all of this. why do you expect so much of what i am not. why cant people accept who i am and what i feel isnt a choice? you dont have to agree with it. im just saying accept it. get over it and accept it. stop making me feel like i should pretend to be this and that. but the way it is will continue and ill live with it. ill just get over it in my own ways. im not a really emotional person as far as people can tell. so wrong they are. they have no idea what goes on inside. they see someone who just dosnt talk a lot. they have no clue. ive overdosed, cut myself and have had many thoughts of suicide and cutting myself more. they say im a pretty and that they like me but i dont think they mean it. if they ment it then why would they never be around? i am all alone with myself and no one here to care. i feel like i am tied up in a trunk of a car. the air getting thinner and left with old memories that torment me. no one to find me because i am already lost. unfound and forgotten……