Introductions

I’ve lurked here for a few months now, rather accidentally discovering the site when I was dealing with a flare up of my own depression-like symptoms. In my time here, I’ve seen how incredibly caring and non-judgmental the regular community is on this site. I want to be a part of it.

Hello. I am PyroFalkon.

Here’s the thing with that username: five seconds of Googling will turn up my real name. Another five seconds will turn up my history. In those ten seconds, I’ve gone from an anonymous writer to a flesh-and-blood person with a real voice, real stories, real problems, and real accomplishments. I say this not to promote myself, but to illustrate that I breathe.

With personalities such as ours, it’s often difficult to openly connect to others. We are vulnerable, we are open, we seek comfort in others’ presence. But online, the anonymity allows us to cherry-pick who we present to the world. It’s a wonderful self-defense mechanism, but it’s a double-edged sword. I know from personal experience that trying to discuss the troubles that you all have bravely shared on this website can be overly difficult due to the stigma that we all feel from being just slightly off-center from generally accepted mainstream society.

I want to try to make a difference, however small. Robin Williams proved in 2014 that all the success, money, love, and talent in the world can’t stop your own mind from attacking you. And for as cool as a couple of my jobs are, I can’t help but feel surrounded by darkness more days than not.

I am not famous. I have a tiny following due to some of my accomplishments, but whatever I’ve done pales in comparison to the truly famous (or even “Internet famous,” whatever that means). But because I do have that following, my presence online is fairly raw, and as long as I remain small-time, I have the time to listen to anyone who wishes to speak. I don’t have time to waste building masks or manufacturing being the “cool guy” or any other identity that would suit me better. I am who I am, better or worse, flaws and advantages. And you can find it all if you look hard enough.

I will never be famous; my hobbies, accomplishments, and efforts will never pay off. However, this gives me a unique opportunity in a community such as this. I’ve read your stories almost obsessively, every post for the past month or two. I cannot relate to the exact circumstances that most of you suffer, but I can relate to what I feel is arguably the most important: the crushing despair, the loneliness, the feeling of being in a dark room while others stand outside in bright sunshine. You have made me realize that I am not alone with my grief. I want to return the favor.

I’m not a professional anything, and that should arguably be your first option. I cannot fix you. I cannot offer magical solutions. I cannot break a hole in the ceiling of your dark room. But I hope that maybe I can be a candle, a catalyst so you can find your light switch.

I am open without bullshit: anything I can do for you is not done purely out of altruism. We all have our coping techniques, and mine is to try to help other people. Seeing someone smile because I cut a joke, or just chatting about videogames or sports or whatever, helps deflect and drown out the voices that attack me on a nearly daily basis. So by helping you, I am helping myself; I am not perfect, and I am not a saint.

But just because I’m not a saint doesn’t mean I can’t help you, or that I don’t deserve to. If anything, you all know, maybe more than the average person, the kind of extreme emotions a person can possess. We have to fight the darkness however we can, because it constantly consumes us, and we only have so much strength to resist it. I draw strength from others; I’ve drawn strength from you, even though you don’t realize it.

I want you to draw strength from me. You’ve Googled me: my e-mail address, Facebook account, Twitter account, and more are public. I’m a busy guy, but I will make time for you if you wish to talk, even if it’s just to vent, or if you’re looking for someone to listen when it seems no one else will. No judgments, no magic, nothing special. The only thing I ask is that you have patience, because I cannot always reply as fast as I want.

However busy I may be however, I am here. I breathe. As long as you do too, I will listen. Please, draw on my strength. It would be selfish to keep it to myself.

I don’t know where my life is going. I don’t know what my future holds. Your beliefs are yours alone, and in this moment, I believe that here is where I belong. I sincerely wish you will welcome me. But if not, then I shall fade back into obscurity; I do not wish to be a burden or distraction on anyone.

Thank you for reading. Try to stay strong, and keep groping for that light switch.