About two months ago I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa and depression. I started treatment at a psychological hospital (or whatever it’s called). It was pure hell at first, but after a while I think I kind of just accepted my condition. I managed to gain a little weight. But seeing the number on the scale increasing, and knowing it would keep on like this under their control, tricked something in me; the anxiety around my body and weight started getting worse, to the point where I’m screaming out or sometimes just lay unable to breathe. This voice in my head is telling me terrible things, and he won’t allow me to tell anyone about him. I am completely terrified of him, and of his punishment.
I’ve started hiding food, and the weight I managed to gain is now half gone. The doctors haven’t noticed yet. I’ve managed to drink enough water before weight-ins to keep them satisfied, but I honestly don’t think I can keep it up any longer.
I’ve also started cutting again, but only my hips and feet so I’ll be able to hide it from the doctors.
For some reason I’m terribly afraid of recovery. Everyone is asking me: “but don’t you want your old life back! The old you!” The old me is the last person I would want to be. She is the one I hate most in this world.
I’m so ashamed of myself and the weakness I can’t help but give in to. I’m ashamed of my family having to see me like this. My mother is crying and screaming, telling me how stressed out she is, she’s started to think I’m cheating, which I sort of know I am, but I’m just to afraid to let go and completely give up control.
I feel completely helpless. My self hate only seems to be growing. My suicidal thoughts have started turning in to real plans, but saying that I’m afraid of them would be lying. I honestly don’t see why I should want this life.
I’m 16. I mean no offense to anyone by saying I want to just die, I’m just tired. Really tired. Please don’t tell me I’m to young to die, that I have my whole life in front of me, or that everything will seem brighter if I recover. I don’t want that. I can’t stand it.
I just wanted to tell someone. Anyone really. I hate secrets, but I’m afraid I’m far to good at keeping them.
7 comments
Secrets eat you alive. Just wanted you to know you dont have to keep your suicidal feelings and hopelessness a secret here. You’re loved. At sixteen I didn’t know how fucked I was yet. I lived in a shell of numbness and denial. I wish I could rewind in a way. :\ Just wanted you to know I read your post
Thank you for replying.
I felt kind of stupid posting this. I don’t know… I’m just not good at opening up, but I guess I’ll have to get used to it here on this site…
I know you said not to tell you that you are too young and have your whole life intront of you… but I just have to say, I think everything gets better after you are 18, 19, 20, because you get more freedom than when you are 16 and you are not in high school anymore, and meet other people not in high school etc… I guess I am saying that because I was so miserable in high school and bored and lonely but everything got a lot better after I was 18 because I met people outside of high school and even though I was still depressed a lot of good things happened in my 20s.
Okay, I’m sorry… I just can’t see things getting any better. I can’t see how, it just doesn’t make any sense to me… I feel so ashamed and miserable around other people, and I’m afraid meeting new people won’t change that. Plus it means waiting two years… and im just so tired…
I’m 20. The worst shit to happen in my life so far came around in high school. I was anorexic in high school. For three years. But I wore loose-fitting clothing to hide how skinny I was getting. I was always tired, but I just told people I don’t sleep well. After high school, I no longer felt the pressure to fit in, to be insanely skinny, or for people to like the fake person I became. I finally started eating again after high school. I admit it was really difficult, especially with my anxiety and depression telling me how terrible I would look.. But after I got myself to slowly ease into eating again, being anorexic was one less issue I had to face in my life. I still deal with depression and anxiety, but just like getting myself to eat again, I deal with it everyday and slowly ease into fixing it. I do have some very good days.
Anyway, things are fixable. You are very young still, and you do have a lot to live for yet. People only tell you this because it’s true. I know what you’re going through, although I could never afford to be hospitalized. I’m still here at 20, you can make it too. I’m saying it’s going to be easy, but you have to work for it. And it’s not always fun, but death doesn’t sound fun either.
it’s not going to be easy*
Thank you.
I really wish no-one would have to suffer like I know many of you people on this site do. But still I can’t help being glad there are some I can relate to.
It’s good to hear you are fighting. That proves you are strong.