I have been spiralling deeper and deeper into depression for several years now. Depression feels like a bottomless pit that I was shoved into, I never wanted to be depressed but now that I am here I have accepted it.
I have been spiralling deeper and deeper into depression for several years now. Depression feels like a bottomless pit that an impossible love shoved me into, I never wanted to love her but now that I do I have accepted it.
I have been edging closer and closer to suicide for several years now. Suicide seems like an escape from the eternal depression I feel, I did not ask to be this way but I have accepted it.
I have been edging closer and closer to suicide for several years now. Suicide seems like a gateway to the only love I have ever felt in this lonely world full of my friends and family, I did not ask to be born in this world but I have accepted it.
In case you do not understand what I am talking about allow me to elaborate. Several years ago I watched a particular anime I shall not name and developed feelings for a particular character in that anime that will also go unnamed. This was not a simple feeling I felt but one of a complex and incomprehensible definition. Love. I already know what you are typing down there in response to that claim, “PineBapple what you’re feeling isn’t love, it’s infatuation” to which I rebuttle with the definition of infatuation which, unlike love, can be defined.
3 comments
There’s nothing wrong with you. I don’t think I can answer why you’re in love with a fictional character, but I have also done the same thing and you’d be surprised at how many are in love with fictional characters.
The taking your life part; I believe that’s because you want to escape the life you’re in now. Sure, a part of it might be because you want to be with this certain character, but I also think you aren’t fulfilled with your life now. So you want to find a way out and suicide seems to be an option.
It does hurt to realize you won’t get the chance to be with this character. Reaching out to strangers on the internet isn’t strange. Sometimes you need to have someone listen to your pain but you want to do it anonymously.
About the suffering thing…well, I’ve asked that questions many times. I have no answer. I’m very sorry you feel so depressed. I don’t think it’s strange to love a character so much, but if it’s causing you to be so depressed you might have to let go a bit.
Possibly you love the idea of this ‘person’ because she strikes some chord in you as the ideal mate. You can’t argue with an idea of someone, or be really disappointed in her, or be let down. This is dangerous thinking. It sets you up to want the impossible, and leaves you comparing everything else to the unachievable, so you can’t really be happy.
I doubt there is anyone here who can tell you why.
You shouldn’t really accept the depression, that leads to thinking it was meant for you and that suicidal thoughts were meant for you so suicide is meant for you, when it’s not true.
Like hiohneh said, it’s quite common. I think the only thing ‘wrong’ (not wrong as such, but harmful to you) is how deeply you’re longing for her. I think it’s because you’re longing for the qualities in her and the happiness you imagine finding with her. It’s so painful to yearn for something you can never have, but you can find the things you looking for here on Earth. If you find something to ease the depression (please, don’t give up. You shouldn’t have to accept it), a lot of the longing for her will likely disappear. Depression often leads people to hang onto the things that give them any relief or hope of a better future. In my case it’s made me difficult to be in a relationship with in the past, and led to me doing some things that only made me feel worse in the end.
Years ago I had crushes on three fictional characters in books (two wizards from Harry Potter and a ghost from a teen romance fiction. I was quite embarrassed until my friend borrowed my books and became much more obsessed with the ghost). I wasn’t severely depressed at the time – just mildly depressed and a bit sad and lonely. Those were only crushes, but I can imagine the same thing happening to me in the past, had I felt as bad as I do now. More recently I had feelings for someone online – someone I barely know, and in this case nothing could come out of it. At first it didn’t particularly bother me – I knew it from the beginning and I was quite happy just liking them from afar. Then when I felt more depressed, I suddenly felt really despairing about it.
My point is that severe depression can cause a lot of painful longing that wouldn’t be there otherwise. You don’t have to die to find what you’re looking for, although it won’t be found in that particular character. That longing will drive the depression to further extremes. Depression has a habit of multiplying itself, but you can try to detach yourself from it. It’s extremely difficult and it’ll take time, but it will stop you suffering. Nobody should have to suffer like this. Don’t accept it as your fate.