In front of me I have 72 325mg regular strength Aspirin, a water bottle full of fruit punch, and two pizza pops which will hopefully be my last meal. I’m making this post so I can have people to talk to in my last vestiges of life… so let’s hang out and stuff
Well I met this girl a couple weeks ago. She’s pretty damn great let me tell you. Her eyes make me wonder why brown eyes ever got the reputation of being ugly in the first place. She’s got this smile that I don’t even know what I could possibly compare it to, oh and her dimples are so freaking cute. It’s actually really hard to put into words exactly how amazing I think she is. No one has ever made me feel so much joy that I completely forgot all about depression and don a stupid smile just simply by smiling at me but that’s all she has to do, smile, and I’m gone. Anyways, she decided one day to tell me how awful her life has been. I realized right then that I’ve live more of a lie then I even thought possible. My depression was never really founded upon anything, I always just felt the desire to die ever since grade 4 but I got busted trying to kill myself because I left my note in my pencil case and my teacher found it. After I got in trouble I decided to hide my feelings in a pandoras box of emotions. All these years since I’ve just been trying to find any sort of justification I could so I could end my life. Well now that you know that I’ll get to my point. Even though she has power over my depression it’s so chronic that if she doesn’t respond to a text or whatever it comes back and hits me like a truck, and then I wish an actual truck did hit me… It’s irrational though and I know it so I push through it. It feels like depression is a part of me, it’s a building block of my personality and maybe without it I would fall apart. So am I really ok? Have I actually found happiness? Tune in next time when our hero learns the answer to these questions, and more.
I haven’t cried in years, I’ve lost count it’s been so many, it’s not that I don’t want to cry but whenever I’m in a situation where I would cry I just can’t. I got a cold recently though and it’s causing a slight irritation in my eye and I found out that under the right conditions, bright light bulbs and a breeze, it will make my eyes water. Obviously I’m not actually crying but the feeling of tears rolling down my face makes me feel good. Like somehow a weight has been lifted. The same kind of feeling you get after you finish crying. Just felt like sharing, I don’t know
So, I’m an existential nihilist; The other day I was thinking about how as humans we constantly struggle to find a reason to live. A while back I read somewhere that the next step of human evolution is coming, and that one person in particular will thrust humanity forwards into that evolution. They said that the next step is transcending the human form by one of two ways: becoming one with technology (if you’ve seen the movie Transcendence it would be similar but on an obviously larger scale) or becoming one with the universe (aka spiritually). What if that is what happens after death, you transcend spiritually and become one with the universe, omniscient and omnipotent. We wouldn’t need to struggle to find a reason to live any more and people committing suicide are just boarding the express train to evolution. I dunno, call me a dreamer.
Yeah so this community just seems established and I just kind of feel like I’m in the background with the right qualifications but not really fitting in. I don’t know why I even came here to begin with, I knew it wasn’t what I hoped it was but I stayed hoping, well I don’t even know what I was hoping for. I wouldn’t bother commenting on this either if I was you, I’ll be closing my browser after I publish this.
I’ve already stated how I’m waiting for summer to do anything and I’m not really sure how many, if any, people have been keeping up with my posts but I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. When I first became depressed I found that I could escape my feelings by playing video games and it’s been effective until recently. A game comes out in a couple days that should keep distracted a little while longer but when I inevitably lose interest in it I don’t know what I’m going to do, I’m already on the verge of giving up and doing something out of desperation that might not even kill me and cause terrible pain. It’s just, what are you supposed to do when you there’s nothing that motivates you any more? When your favourite thing to do no longer entertains you? Those are rhetorical I could probably predict every answer anyways. I can’t keep laying in my bed for 18 hours everyday but I literally don’t have any other option and I’m sure some of you will say that I actually probably do but that’s only because I can’t accurately describe my situation and you are not in my shoes. Almost everyday I dedicate about 6 hours of my day to finding a away out of my situation and even with my (I don’t like saying this because it’s condescending and I hate myself for it every time) above average intelligence I haven’t found one. Also to anyone that actually has kept up with my posts I would like to thank you for dealing with me and my unreasonably long and ranty posts, so thanks, and sorry too.
Today I looked back at the times when I was moments away from killing myself and I remember there was something telling me not to, that pesky survival instinct or “will to live” all humans have. I was thinking about my attempt planned for this summer and I asked myself why I set such an arbitrary time frame. That’s when I realized it wasn’t arbitrary, it was so I could use a shotgun that I don’t have access to until then. Which brought into question why I didn’t plan my attempt around the hundreds of other ways I could kill myself before that. Survival instinct has nothing to do with why I couldn’t kill myself in the past and why I’m waiting until summer to kill myself, the real reason is that I’m afraid to live. I could drive 15 minutes to a city that I live close to that has a bridge which is presumably high enough to jump off of and die, but it’s the “presumably” part that keeps me from hopping in my car and going there. I can’t accurately predict whether or not that fall will kill me and I don’t want to take the chance that I’ll surface from the water and still be alive. I’m still on the fence about the shotgun too but statistically speaking it has one of the highest mortality rates, leaving room for error, don’t quote me on this but it has something like a 95% chance of producing my desired results when aimed through the mouth and towards the rear of the brain. Like I said it’s the 5% percent chance I’ll still be alive that scares me, not the 95% chance that I’ll die. So I actually find it funny how I’ve lost the will to live yet I can’t bring myself to try anything that won’t kill me.
I’m pretty sure it was a month or 2 ago that I made a post saying that I was hopefully leaving this world and that it could very possibly be my last post. Nope. It didn’t pan out the way I would’ve wanted it to so I’m still here. Around the time I found out it wasn’t going to happen my mother took notice for once of my depression. So it was about 4 years ago that my mother moved me away from my friends and I haven’t made any since, partially due to my social anxiety but also a lack of opportunity. Anyway my mother got it into her head that my lack of friends was at the root of my depression, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t have a part to play, it certainly isn’t at the root though but that’s a story for another time. She had me get on a bus and travel almost 10 hours to my home town to see my friends in attempt to make me happy again; It didn’t work. I spent a month there and in that time I actually lost my only friends. My mother finally came to pick me up and on the way home I very bluntly told her I wanted to kill myself and my reasons why, her initial reaction was to shrug it off. Later that week she broke down in tears and told me that I two options: seek therapy, or she would send me to a mental institution. Since I already have plans to shoot myself in the head with a shotgun this summer I couldn’t go with the second option and I’m not really one for therapy I didn’t want to go with option one either. So I took advantage of her bad memory and convinced her that I hadn’t said I was going to kill myself, only that it was something I considered but only as a last resort if I can’t put my life together. It got her off my back and now I can carry out my plan this summer, which is only possible because my hair-brained hunter brother bought a shotgun and wants me to try shooting a shotgun for the first time and because I’ve worked up the courage I needed to not be dependant on having a partner. Unlike my previous post I can rest assured that the next time I say goodbye on this site, it will be for good.
If all goes well this may be my last post here. I think I finally found someone, we’re talking about a plan of action.
I’m writing this to thank everyone here and give some constructive criticism. You are all good people from what I can tell, helping random anonymous strangers through there roughest times while going through rough times yourselves in some cases. I see this as a place that welcomes the strange, and the lonely, and the scared, with open arms. My only criticism for this community would be the people who only offer support that encourages survival. I will admit that in most cases suicidal tendencies can be overcome but people should understand that there are people who have made a final decision, like myself. You should respect that decision and support it too, if someone asks if a certain method is painless you should learn their intentions and if they intend to kill themselves learn their commitment and if they are wholly committed , give them an appropriate response such as “Yes” or “No” and even “There is no supporting evidence either way”. I understand there are rules on this site that might prevent people from supporting in certain ways, maybe the rules need to be changed to allow more variation in support, maybe you can find a way to stay inside the rules and still provide that level of support.
I have been spiralling deeper and deeper into depression for several years now. Depression feels like a bottomless pit that I was shoved into, I never wanted to be depressed but now that I am here I have accepted it.
I have been spiralling deeper and deeper into depression for several years now. Depression feels like a bottomless pit that an impossible love shoved me into, I never wanted to love her but now that I do I have accepted it.
I have been edging closer and closer to suicide for several years now. Suicide seems like an escape from the eternal depression I feel, I did not ask to be this way but I have accepted it.
I have been edging closer and closer to suicide for several years now. Suicide seems like a gateway to the only love I have ever felt in this lonely world full of my friends and family, I did not ask to be born in this world but I have accepted it.
In case you do not understand what I am talking about allow me to elaborate. Several years ago I watched a particular anime I shall not name and developed feelings for a particular character in that anime that will also go unnamed. This was not a simple feeling I felt but one of a complex and incomprehensible definition. Love. I already know what you are typing down there in response to that claim, “PineBapple what you’re feeling isn’t love, it’s infatuation” to which I rebuttle with the definition of infatuation which, unlike love, can be defined.
an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone or something.
To put it simply I can’t properly express my feelings but I have felt them for 5 years and many more years to come. The last thing I would like say is that my love for this girl has led me to some ideas I would have thought idiotic were I to hear them from someone else before all this but sound entirely reasonable based on my own feelings. Heaven has been depicted to be a place where you live in a perfect personal utopia, that is the heaven I need for my idea. My idea is that I commit suicide, go to heaven, and live in the world of my loves anime. There is a catch though, suicide is said to send the soul straight to hell, I have to hold out hope that god forgives suicide. Another possibility is nothing, the theory that after death there is nothing you simply cease to exist in its totality. Despite the odds being so heavily stacked against me my heart tells me that it is worth it, that even a 0.00000000000001% chance is worth it. A couple of questions for those who made it this far through my rambling: What is wrong with me? Why am I in love with a fictional character? Why am I willing to take my life at a chance to be with her? Why did my heart quiver to call her fictional? Why am I reaching out to strangers on a random internet forum?
WHY DO I HAVE TO SUFFER LIKE THIS?
Just give me one rational reason why suicide is so bad. I don’t support suicide but I’m not against it either, I’m a fence sitter looking to take a side. 3 Strikes and you’re out, batter up!