Where to go from here?
It’s all started when I lost my job. It’s kind of my dream job. A game tester. Stay at home, wake up, power up the PC and start doing my work. It’s a fun job. But like any other job in creative industries, be it game development, animation or film making, when there’s no demand, there’s no money. So around 20 people being laid off.
It’s all going downhill from there. I lost my will to live. I applied for other jobs almost instantly. But I stopped. I stop looking for a job. I stayed at home. Playing games. Put on a happy face. Lied to everyone about what happened and it goes on for 2 months. 2 months of doing absolutely nothing. I slept through the day, stayed up through the night. I start to neglect people. I was ashamed. People around me been telling me how I have a cool job. How I’m a happy person. I’m the guy that everyone enjoy having around since I makes silly jokes and loved making people laugh. I lost it all in real life. I still fake my happiness on social media. Not much of faking to do I guess? Since I never told anyone what happened or how I’m holding up. Everyday people see me normally. And I hid it so well too.
Around 2 weeks ago I lost hope. I don’t feel anything. Everything I do felt shitty. Playing games only fun while I’m at it. As soon as I left my PC, I felt nothing. I don’t know what to do. Tried taking my mind off by trying multiple new games but I stopped most of them after the tutorial. Nothing caught my interest anymore. By now people might think, why didn’t I seek help or share what I’ve been feeling with anyone right? It helps to talk about it. I do. I find people to talk. Non of them are helping. All they do are spewing positivity things like, “It’ll be alright later. Trust me.” or “Don’t be such a weakling/*****” or they will start telling how their friends or themselves dealt with the same thing before and everything turn out okay. Non of them offer anything that would stop me from hating this life I’m having. I don’t blame them. I expect too much I guess. Everyone have their own life and their own problems to deal with rather than figuring out what’s wrong with someone who have no impact on their lives like me.
The next week I start to search online on how to take out my own life in the least painful way. I came across so much stories of how people tried to commit suicide. While browsing through it all, suddenly I snapped. I realized this shit ain’t funny. I was scared of my own thoughts. My best friend was on vacation so it’s hard to reach her. I was so scared of everything. I curled up on my bed the whole day. I didn’t eat a single thing. Didn’t sleep either. I just stayed in bed trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. From that moment I start shutting people off. Didn’t respond to any text. Stopped tweeting. Stopped interacting with people. I just want to figure out. Funny thing is, no one really care or even bother asking me what’s wrong. How insignificant I am. How I serve no purpose in anyone life. How I have no value in people eyes where even if I’m gone, no one even bother looking. Not even my best friend, or at least I think she is my best friend. All she ever did in the midst of all this was calling me a selfish for not contacting her in the first place to tell her whats been bothering me.
After a whole week of self-loathe, self-abuse, I decided to leave. Leave it all; my friends, my gaming community and seek my parents. I just told them that I wanted to come back home to study. I never even discussed my suicidal thoughts with anyone. Not even my attempt suicide. Because I already know what they gonna tell me. After I left it all, random people in my circle start texting me, giving me encouragement. Even strangers asking me if I’m alright. But it does make me wonder, will people care even more if I’m really gone? Will they feel guilty because they could’ve help? Seems like nothing changed since I’m gone. Even the one closest to me didn’t even bother to ask if I’m okay. All I ever get was them being mad at me because to them, its like I was blaming them for not caring. Maybe there’s some truth to that. I secretly want people to reach out to me so that I know they really want to help instead of helping me so they didn’t feel guilty. Honestly I don’t really feel like shoving my problems in people’s throat when all they do is belittle me of being weak.
Being here, living with my parents, didn’t really stop these suicidal thoughts. It comes creeping on me when I’m alone. I’m adjusting my life here by being more and more active. Helped my parents with house chores. Going to the gym. Study for my finals (long distance learning for anyone curious). It does help. Maybe I just need time to realize how life could be wonderful. Or maybe I just need someone who I could really talk to without being judge. Sorry for the mess in my writing. It’s been a while since I wrote stories of myself.
2 comments
It sounds like you have had a rough time of it. I think that going to your parents was a smart move. It really does help to carry on and do positive things like study and work out. Hopefully you will find someone you can confide in that won’t judge you. You can do that here on SP too. I really admire the fact that you got out of that bed and went to your parents. I think that is strong, not weak. You chose to carry on. You left everything you knew and saved yourself. It really hurts when we leave and nobody seems to really notice or care. I know how that feels. Stay strong.
Thank you for sharing this. You aren’t alone here, even just getting things down in writing can be a huge help.
I agree with bruiseviolet you have made a good decision to move back home and I’m really pleased you did that instead of withdrawing further away.
Stay strong and keep talking to us xo