So it’s been a few years since ive been on this website and made any posts. Alot has happened. I’ve had a few breakups. One was awful. However we just recently made amends. That’s good. But something terrible happened for me.
My depression became real bad and i began drinking heavily to kill pain. Alot less self mutilation but drinking alcohol at about a rate of 1 liter a day. I used it to try to temporarily mask the sadness. I talked to a therapist and put myself in rehab. I am an alcoholic apparently. Meaning when I drink, I don’t stop at drunk i rather stop at black out. I was sent to the ER by ambulance from od ing once. Since rehab ive been hella stressed. I cried today. I cried last night. And I’ve felt like such a looser for everything. What kind of man can’t do it on his own? The fuck is wrong with my stupid ass. I’m getting nowhere in life. Uped my medication to a higher dose of antidepressants (i hate the fact of meds too btw) and it was my choice to up them bc i knew i needed it to not commit suicide.
I want so much help. It sucks that im getting tons of help but it doesn’t feel like enough so i’m feeling stuck still. Like i guess maybe i cant be helped all the way even while attaining so much attention. And there’s stuff i want to say but can’t say it. I’m scared to tell my counselor from rehab that im so suicidal. She might send me to a psych ward bc im in a sober house at this period of time.
I’m thinking about doing it again. Im thinking on another attempt. I have the plan. Im scared to be pushed to the limit and act on impulse and follow the plan. Please help. I want positivity. Thanks. Matt
1 comment
I’ll try my best to be positive. My life has been shit as well, I can barely keep myself alive. But then again, what would you expect on a suicide forum.
Apart from all the bad things that have happened in your life, you’re still here. I guess that’s 1 positive thing. You’re still breathing.
You’re in pain, I know. Fuck! Life hurts, doesn’t it?
You got yourself in rehab, you’re trying to get your life back together. Another good thing. How long have you been sober for? That’s an amazing accomplishment. I know how hard it is. I see my father battle with alcoholism every single day. He’s far from going to rehab though. He is not even considering it. Stubborn as a fucking mule. That man. So I salute you for that.
You’ve made amends with your S/O. Human contact can also go a long way. Sometimes we just need it.
You know you need help. You’re trying to get help. That’s a good thing in itself. You want to get yourself out of the hell hole that is your life. Can’t offer that much help from this side of the world. Hope words can help. I can only listen.
If you’re afraid to talk to your counsellor, maybe you need someone else to off load to. Talking things out helps, even if that person will only listen. Sometimes we need people to just vent to about our shit. It lifts a huge weight off our shoulders even if it is just for that moment. I lost the one person I was confident enough to reveal my deepest, darkest thoughts to. It’s been hell lately. I feel like I’m heating up and about to explode. Writing some things on SP helps. That’s all I have at the moment though, but it’s keeping me sane.
Sometimes crying helps too. I cried my eyes out in front of people a few nights ago. It was very therapeutic. So, if you feel like crying, just cry. Being a man doesn’t mean you shouldn’t cry. So, let it out.
My head is all over the place. I don’t even know if what I wrote makes any sense.
Hope you find peace and find a way to pull your life together.
*hugs*