Ruined

Despite the fact that I hate Christmas, I was somewhat having a reasonably okay day yesterday. That was until my biological dad decided to harass my mother and I during the afternoon. After not hearing from him in 6 months, he sent awful messages to us about how I’m a disappointment and useless (after understanding how bad my mental state is when he first got back into contact, he decided he couldn’t cope and thought it was best to tell me how he’s better off without someone as ‘insane’ and ‘unstable’ as me). After getting no response from myself and minimal from my mother, he decided to disrespect her instead. This resulted in my stepdad getting pissed and going out drinking. The rest of the family we had over went home as the situation went on, and it left an awful atmosphere for the rest of the day. It got to the point where myself and my mother were reluctant to look at our phones if they went off (I’m honestly terrified of my dad – he was violent when I was younger, and earlier this year he literally locked me in a room and insulted me and my family for 3 hours). Needless to say, the day was ruined and he threatened me; telling me to ‘see how lucky we are next year’.
So, of course, my paranoia has worsened and I physically feel sick. I’ve been shaking uncontrollably, and everything is horrible. My family tried to go out this afternoon to the shop and left me to babysit for an hour – and I had a panic attack and freaked out. I locked the doors and windows, closed the blinds/curtains, and sat behind the kitchen counter trying to calm down. When my family got home I quizzed them to make sure it was really them before letting them inside.
I hate my dad. I know hate is a strong word, and that’s precisely why I’ve chosen it. I cannot stand the man; but more so I pity my brother – who was born during the 10 years I didn’t see my dad. He has to grow up with a controlling, manipulative dad. It’s an awful way to live, he’s an awful person to live with. I hate him.