a few days ago I wrote what i thought would be my goodbye note, and this is still on my mind and whilst the idea of suicide is still dominant in my mind I’ve found ways of coping, they’re not healthy but at least they’re better (in some peoples minds) than killing myself, they’re still unhealthy, i know that is is not the right way to deal with things but right not I’ve been cutting a lot, i don’t want to be told this is wrong because i know it is, but someone here to speak to would be very helpful, the pain and adrenaline from cutting detracts from some of the emotional things I’m feeling, its complicated but in a way the cutting seems helpful, its a reminder to me of whats going on and to never make the same mistakes, what s far worse is the amount of drugs I’m taking to keep me happy. I’m going to see a doctor when I’m back home properly. Ive spoke to some brilliant and caring people about what to do and they’ve been so compassionate and i know they’ll do whatever they can to help.
But is is just me? when people are there to help whilst in a sense its reassuring at the same time in makes it hurt more, my own suffering i can deal with but the ida of sharing that pain with brilliant people is an idea i can’t settle with. I feel like a burden, I’m used to dealing with others issues but when i comes to me i break.
I work in a pub, and i learnt a lot about humanity today, on christmas day i got normal pay plus tips, however within the days I’ve been considering suicide i worked for a wake. It was surreal, everyone was just so caring and lovely, the widow was over the moon that i made a dry martini to put by her husbands picture/memorial. The sad fact i learnt is that despite this was a time for reflection and mourning, obviously a very personal and upsetting experience, the people who were suffering were by far the kindest and most warm hearted that I’ve ever met, i got more more tips for a funeral than i did on christmas day. And i think thats a lesson i can learn from them.
If anyone reads this i want you to know that (whilst i still feel as low as low can be) there are always people who care, I’ve spoken to two close friends and they’re my life line right now. But in regards to the funeral, when we are at are lowest i think we can learn to help whoever we can, acts of kindness to strangers may be the most beneficial thing we can do. Maybe these acts aren’t kind, and are inherently selfish but right now that doesn’t matter to me, what i want to say is that if you feel you’re lowest, if you feel you can’t go on, perhaps try one kind act. This may or may not be reciprocated, but I’m not sure that matters. In my humble opinion, if you can affect the happiness of just one or two people in this world then you need to reconsider your choices, and i think thats something anyone can do, if i can do it for a stranger then you can do it for anyone.
Im by no means over this and the thoughts dwell heavy on my mind, be someone who cares. Don’t live for these people, thats not what I’m trying to say, but a few acts of kindness to strangers may just show you that even without reciprocation, life is all about bringing happiness to others, and in return to yourself.
If and when i decide to kill myself, i know that all that could possibly change my mind is the act of helping strangers, friends or family.
I really hope this helps anybody, because i know what we are going though is horrid, but we don’t have to go through it alone. Whilst i feel my life has no value, i wouldn’t want to put the few people i care about/ effect through this.
If you ever need to speak about anything i promise ill understand, and just remember that so many people love and care about you, its just easy to neglect that fact when we consider ourselves
5 comments
Just reading this helped
im glad it’s helped at least someone
Well, you made the comment about cutting and not wanting to be told that it is wrong. It is not wrong, it is however a signal/sign that all is not well. I don’t think I need to state that it is a form of self-harm (as described by medical professionals and others). Human beings are sentient beings; we’re complicated. Self-harm isn’t actually limited to humans, self-harm is arguably prominent in the animal kingdom. Parrots, for example, are known to pluck their own feathers in times of stress/depression when their owners abandon them or die. Other animals may over groom themselves (resulting in fur loss) or they may bite themselves causing open sores and wounds. I read a study once where the behaviour was studied and found that the self-harm by animals resulted in the lowering of heart rate and blood pressure. I would imagine that the practice would release the bodies natural endorphins and such. I digress however. Anyone who claims that self-harm is wrong is unfortunately misguided and ill-informed and is arguably one of the most normal reasons to one’s surrounding or situation (or mental state, depending). I am of course not encouraging you to cut and am glad to hear that you intend on seeking out assistance.
On a personal note it has taken me many years to figure out that people do care. I am glad for the understanding people in your life. It sounds at least they are your support of sorts. 🙂
I should probably add that the self-harming animals in the study were held in captivity. I would imagine that animals will self-harm in the wild and their natural environment but I haven’t read any studies on this. I doubt personally that the behaviour is limited to captivity.
Great insights in your ‘coping’ post. It seems that you are sincerely able to look at the bright side. I’m still looking at the dark angle of experiences.
After reading your post, my first thought was this – we should all regularly, and anonymously, attend random funerals! There, we will observe people at their finest and most kind-hearted. I previously had not given this much thought (the behavior of people at funerals), especially since I don’t attend many funerals. I think people are generally more kind and sensitive during their vulnerable moments.
The problem for me is that these types of interactions are so brief and I ultimately view them as insincere. At times, I have had further connection with people I’ve met in vulnerable circumstances, and they are then disingenuous, shallow, and busy, busy, busy. Everyone is soooooo busy…. Rarely does anyone allow time for a genuine conversation.