As the title says, first post here. I’ve never really posted on any forums before so this is very new. I’ve wondered about suicide for a while. I’m nineteen, but I’ve had a lot of shit happen. I had no father and an abusive mother who accused me of trying to kill her and of hiding things, she mind fucked me. I started to believe her I think, maybe that’s why I feel so much hate towards myself now. I feel so much anger inside, I wish I could find her and put a gun to her head and blow her goddamn brains out, but I won’t because I don’t want to go to jail and get raped for fucking years. Stuff happened and I got adopted by a new family and things should be good now, I should be happy, but I’m not. There are no more beatings, no more terror, but I’m still paranoid and untrusting. I keep loaded guns under my bed and in my dresser. A couple of nights ago I was home alone and heard a door open, I got ready to shoot whoever was coming through until I saw it was my mother. I could have killed my mother. This is my good mother, my adopted mother, not that ***** who gave birth to me.
I feel very alone. The only time I’ve felt “connected” with people is when we’ve shared the same pain. I don’t feel like I can connect with people very often at all, I’ve only felt it a few times. Today I put my pistol in my mouth to see what it would feel like to blow my brains out. It was loaded, but I don’t have the balls to pull the trigger. My therapist is a Christian and talks about God’s healing, but I’m not sure if I buy it. He’s supposed to love me, but where the fuck was he when I was six crying myself to sleep, terrified. Where was he when I tried to kill myself when I was nine? Maybe he was there, maybe, but in that case where is he now? Maybe he wants me to make a choice to be happy, and I try, and surprisingly I can kinda be “happy”, but it’s not real. I go to work and act happy, I act like the nicest guy ever, but when I go home I have this unexplained anger at my brother. I’m afraid that I’m going to become like my birth mother. I’m afraid that I’m becoming a terror. Maybe killing myself would be the right thing to do, the righteous thing to do. By blowing my head off I might save someone a lifetime of pain. I can’t become like her. I can’t do that to someone else. Do you guys ever feel like it would be heroic to kill yourself because you are bad for people, and that you cause people unneeded pain and misery? I’m afraid that I’m becoming a monster.
4 comments
Well clearly you’re not a monster because you are looking out for people. You want to put yourself infront of the gun to save others. You care about people, and they care about you. If you kill yourself, people will be very dejected. Just don’t.
Thank you. I saw your post on Valentines day. So we both felt like shit that day 😉
Hey, your mothers influence in your life is big, she was with you in the years you were creating your idea of the world and of course it is going to affect the way you behave now. But it doesn’t mean you are going to be like her, she has her own story and it is probably a very hard one. That is something only she may know. But her story is not your story, you just have her influence, and that’s why your reactions are different too. It’s normal (let’s use that word) to feel anger, and unfortunately you are going to feel it as long as your mind needs to, to react the way it was tought to. And to teach it to feel other wise will take you years (I think those years will be worth it) because now your mind has a shape and to change it is going to need a big effort.
I would say it is important for you to start thinking about two things: first, if you think your therapist approach to your problems is not helping you (because you don’t want to mix your mental health with your spiritual development or in other words, you don’t think religion is the answer right now) then try finding someone else. Two, about your guns, you have to find another way to feel secure, because guns may become the most dangerous element you can own right now, as you said yourself. So it won’t be a change you can make just because, you have to start searching for another way to feel secure. My advice: exercise, make your body your ally, your strenght, that you may feel in control of yourself.
Thanks Moneypenny. I’ve gone to the gym a couple of times since last week and it feels good. I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post even though I’m a complete stranger and have never done anything for you. You’re right though, I need to lay off the guns a little. I get obsessed with guns sometimes, spending hours at a time online looking for the best one and shopping online.