I’m okay

Well I got threw my birthday yesterday, kind of happy that’s over…. But it still really isn’t over, I have to see some friends later today, who will probably wish me a happy birthday still, and see my other half of my family, who will do the same. At least it isn’t a day that I would even think of trying to kill myself on, would have to wait until tomorrow at least, but ideally until 2 birthdays from now…. Nice round numbers are nice. I’m also surprised that I haven’t hurt myself in many ways so far…. nothing that will leave a scar. I sort of hit myself a little bit but no bruising really, maybe a little bit of swelling. (the area I hit I don’t think really bruises) Although that I don’t really count as I really enjoyed that in ways I shouldn’t have (sorry for mentioning that, I really shouldn’t). It’s odd how I enjoy that, although I’m uncertain why. But meh I still want to cut myself really badly, I want more scars. I want to burn myself too that’s something I haven’t done yet and I keep growing more curious about it. It’s really weird that now a lot of times I simply want to hurt myself just because I want more scars…. I haven’t cut myself at all due to feeling uncomfortable for a very long time, that used to be the main cutting I did…. Now it’s only when I hate myself and want to be uglier…. I guess that medicine is actually helping a lot, come to think of it I really haven’t felt uncontrollably anxious for a very long time now. Either way, this (as always) will be a pre long post, I have so much on my mind recently and I really can’t process it…. I’ve really been thinking about people. Like I really do wish that I had an intimate relationship…. Or even have had at least one intimate relationship with another person. Like dating is a thing that I have never done, haven’t even been on one date in my entire life. Which from my understanding is really strange at 22. Also no form of intimate contact with another person, not even intimate hugging or hand holding. And I just feel like that really probably hurts my chances of ever finding a person. As it is probably a bit late for me to start with that sort of thing…. I wish I was more normal, and found people sexually attractive, as that’s not a thing I do at all…. And I hate it. Like I have no idea about people I even would want to date as I’m not attracted to people like others are…. I also doubt that I would enjoy the whole sex thing, which may make the intimate relationship sort of hard to maintain…. as that seems to be expected to come alongside it. But yeah I do know that I do want a person, which is something that many years ago I never thought I would feel…. That mostly came up after seeing so many people with their people, and just seeing exactly how much time they spent together and how close they were, and I really want that with somebody…. But meh that’s doubtful, as I’m also too scared to even try as I know that it wouldn’t work out…. I don’t really know if I could handle losing that close of relationship…. Also I don’t have a job…. Never really ever had a job either. The only job I sort of had I eventually just stopped getting called in to work, and found out that I had been replaced…. it was part time too, like a few hours every now and then. Not a real job honestly as I only had it because my father knew the person. I feel like I need a job to ever have a chance at a close intimate relationship, as I feel like it would be wrong of me to pursue that if I can’t even support myself. But I also feel like I need a job to even have worth too, like I don’t support myself currently so all I am is a tumor. So basically to be a person I need a job, but I probably never will have any form of stable job. I’m not exactly a person anyone would want to hire. And of course if it’s a job where I have to wear short sleeves (which is actually a lot around here) I really have no chance of getting it…. I know that there will always be somebody better, mostly because anybody will be better…. But other than that, I haven’t really been thinking about a lot. Those few thoughts are the things that I have been fixated upon…. Other than sort of trying to sift threw my thoughts trying to determine if there is anybody that I actually want to attempt the dating thing with, not that I ever will bring it up with anybody that I know, I don’t meet my criteria to deserve to try yet, but I can still at least try to identify if I even have that sort of feeling…… or at least figure out what the closest thing is to it…… And basically the results terrified me, however didn’t surprise me…… As I guess it came out to be a person I always sort of afraid I felt that way about, who I have known for so many years…… Although I haven’t seen or talked to them for many years now too, like 3 or 4 basically. I really miss them, but at least I guess I sort of know what that feeling sort of feels like now, that’s good…. Although thinking about that has sort of made the feeling of missing them which I already had amplify which really sort of sucks…. Grrrr I’m sorry that was a full rant, with very little direction to it, that’s basically how I am…. I am very wordy, and I really don’t expect anybody to read all of this (or any of it really) but it’s still sort of nice knowing that somebody could read it though. Welp I’m still going to try not to do too much to harm myself, at least nothing that will leave a scar…. It keeps getting harder not to with every day that I don’t…. I can’t stop thinking about it, but I would like for it not to be a thing I do anymore, so I’m going to have to deal with these feelings probably…. I expect to be doing something to myself before school starts tomorrow though, I will be surprised if I don’t…. Oh yeah, I have homework that I need to start doing too, allready failing two classes after just a week…. I suck.