Uncertainty is probably the thing I hate most about life. Or maybe it’s feelings. If I had no feelings, or if I could regulate them like a normal person, uncertainty wouldn’t bother me. I often beat myself up or behave self-destructively because even though it makes me feel miserable, I’m in control of that misery. Which often seems infinitely preferable to taking a risk and making myself vulnerable to acute uncontrollable emotional pain.
I have to make a big decision by tomorrow about my next job. A lot of people would probably want to be in my situation, but I can’t stop dwelling on the downside of each option and what will happen if it doesn’t work out. Particularly after I was forced to quit my last job because of depression and anxiety.
Also, I hate it when people say “go with the flow.” That makes it sound like you can just be a leaf effortlessly floating downstream with the changing current, going wherever it takes you. I feel like a better analogy would be someone running on a treadmill that’s changing speed. It’s not just accepting things you can’t control, it’s accepting things you can’t control and then continuing to bust your ass while trying not to wonder why and knowing that you’re probably going to get screwed again.
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Several years ago I was out riding my just-fixed motorcycle after having been in an accident and I stopped at a coffee shop for coffee and breakfast. While i was out in the parking lot some guy approached me and started asking about the bike and we got to talking about riding. He was in the area on business and was alone so we ate together and continued chatting about bikes n things. At some point the conversation turned to work, and I guess he judged that I could be of use to him because he offered me a six figure salary and relocation to Belgium to work as a business manager for him (the guy was worth hundreds of millions). I told him I was happy doing what I was doing, we exchanged email addresses and parted ways. Still I make less than that but I was determined to see my original plan through even when it fell apart. As the proverb goes, men make plans and god decides. Sometimes I wonder about the life I’d be living if I took that opportunity but really, life is about making the best of your situation.