You might be invisible, but I can see you standing on every corner of my mind.
Do I report an invisible man?
Do I report a faceless and voiceless man?
I still remember what you did to me that year
That summer day where you ruin my life
I remember what you wanted to do with me
I remember everything, yet your face is still a blur
Who am I suppose to run from?
Who am I suppose to hide from?
I still feel you
I can feel how you pushed me against that house
Your hands were two, but they felt like two millions
millions of hands all over my body
Trying to rip my clothes off
Am I grateful to be here?
I still think about that
I sometimes wish you’d killed me
I have constant nightmares and panic attacks
I don’t know who you are but I hate you
I don’t know you name but I hate it
I close my eyes and you are there
I cross the street and you are there
It’s so ironic really
I sometimes think i’m still there
That I never got away from you
Maybe i’m still there and all my life it’s really a fantasy i’m having
Maybe my nightmares are not nightmares, they are real.
Maybe my life is not my life
I can’t rlly say that the thoughts are back but im starting to think abt it again. The second I realize im happy bam its all gone. Because these thoughts just start creeping back. Im really enjoying this time by myself which makes me want to disappear even more. Because I’ve actually realized how much I love being by myself. And I just I don’t know I still want to disappear. like i am happy i am but i don’t know if im truly happy that’s the thing. I don’t know if im just telling myself im happy so i can fake it till i make it? i just still don’t understand why i feel this way.
i really like this photo tho idk why i feel like it speaks to me. which doesn’t even make any sense but yea that’s just how i feel with this photo. even tho i don’t want to keep going which is what’s ironic.
i feel like i try to act all happy bc i know my friends are tired of hearing me speak about these. especially that i don’t really have anything to “complain” about. but i don’t understand this either. my friend told me to go to therapy but how do i tell my parents that. they wouldn’t bother listening. they care for me but just think im being a silly teenager. so i will just keep my mouth shut and just keep telling myself im happy. when deep down inside when i check im not happy at all. but whatever fake it till ya make it 😉
Also i would like to make new friends so if anyone wants to comment and hit me up feel free i have nothing else to do anyway 🙂
me ranting about stupid shit…
Ever since I was a child I’ve been an overthinker on the stupidest shit. Even now I can’t have one argument with a friend, or something without thinking about it the whole day and it being stuck in the back of my mind. It effects my day to day life because it progressively gets worse throughout my life. I can’t even take a simple compliment without thinking if they really meant it or not. Now I have horrible insecurities about my body and personality. Moving on, I’m currently almost failing three of my classes and as a previous honor roll student I’m letting everyone in my family down. My parents think I don’t care and that I’m unbothered and not trying to fix it in anyway. But in reality this is tearing me apart. I feel as if I have no one to talk to seeing as my old counselor has stopped seeing me. My parents are Caribbean, and always talk about how much they have sacrificed to be here and raise my sibling right and shit. As much as they think their words don’t bother me its the worst feeling in the world disappointing them. My father has mentioned before that all he wants to live for is to see me graduate and he will be fulfilled. They most fucked up part about it is that in 10 years all I can think of is a empty slate. I can’t imagine a world where I’m succeeding in life. It feels like no matter what I do, or matter how hard I try it feels like its never good enough for anyone.
I keep messing up. I keep failing shit.
My life has been doing a downward spiral, and its hard to act like the unbothered daughter, or the hilarious friend, or the amazing student. I don’t want to keep trying anymore, its draining the life out of me. At least when I had the counselor, I could rant to them and it improved my metal state, but now I can’t do that. My mother thinks that I’m getting bad grades to spite her and that I’m doing this all on purpose. She’s teacher so I guess she expects more out of me. I try and rant to my mom and tell her how I feel about things but no matter what I do she soomehow finds a way to make it my fault. I’m tired of living, or trying so hard for a future I don’t even see myself in. My parents are starting to realize that I don’t really believe in their religion anymore, and that I’m bi. But when they do finally find out their are gonna be mad as shittt. My serects are unraveling and I don’t know how to handle it.
I know I don’t have half as serious stories or rants like most the people here, but its nice to type it out once in a while.
I don’t know where to start. Sometimes it’s just like why do I even bother. There are days when people say hey how are you feeling or you know hey how’s your day going? And it’s like what am I supposed to say that slowly dying on the inside that I’ve been secretly contemplating suicide lately? That I don’t even know how I get out of bed in the morning if it wasn’t for muscle memory I’m sure I would just lay there. Luckily for work I’ve been able to mask my feelings by putting on the facade. I can go and smile at people you know you know just the typical BS to get through the day. I try to focus on work and put everything out of my mind.
That does not work and ultimately I’m back in the same space. I hate myself up you know thinking about all the positive things that I’ve done lately and how much I’ve improved and it’s like yeah okay come on yeah we got this good day today good day today and it’ll be open till I hear from her. And it will be a good conversation you know and then I say alright love you she just replies okay bye and then all that all of that bravado all that confidence I had gone. Well on the plus side I have come to the conclusion that Tuesday is going to be a very very important day and knows not going to be no try to Suicide it’s just going to be a huge deciding factor and if I continue to pursue her or do I have to ultimately stop until then limbo
I have been thinking about suicide for over 10 years now. I’m only 22. I fucked up. I will be a slave for the rest of my pathetic life. Money is everything. My life has always been about money.
I was born poor. I will die poor. I will owe money until I’m dead. I doubt I’ll even have enough to get cremated the way I wanted…
My life is a series of small ups and big, spiraling downs. I see a bit of light and something kicks me down to remind me that I’m nothing but trash. I should stay down like the dog that I am.
I just keep getting used. Why do I let myself? I don’t know. It’s gotten me this far.
Why am I still here?
I just wanted a simple life.
I’m honestly just so tired.
I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. Everything is going wrong with my life right now and I feel nothing. Not anger, not sadness, nothing.
I just have this emptiness that I cannot fill. What’s funny is that people have been telling me that i look happier lately. Hilarious.
At this point I wish I was sad or angry. I wish I felt something. This enotionlessness scares me to no end. It makes me numb to things. I’m scared I will do something to myself.
I laugh it off and “smile though the pain” because I think if my body looks happy then I will be happy. Right?
I don’t even know anymore. I don’t care about things anymore. Apathy is supposed to be good right? But why don’t I feel better.
I keep screwing everything good in my life and I just don’t care. Or I care too much. At this point, I’m not sure. Everything is so screwed up and I have no one to talk to. No one would understand. I just wish someone would realize just how much I need help.
I can’t stop shaking.
I’ve been lying to my parents for 3 years. They think I’m about to graduate from university when in fact I haven’t been going to school. My parents are so proud of me. It’s all a lie. I honestly don’t know what to do right now. I have no friends, I have nobody except for my parents, where do I even begin to pick up my life? The son that they love is a complete lie, he doesn’t exist. i have had really bad social anxiety and depression that i haven’t been able to even get up and go to class.My life has just been a downfall because in 2015 i was in rehab for 3 months (for which i dont regret because i met awesome people in there who drugs really messed their life up) for smoking cigarettes and being “untidy” (my dad almost beat me before i was taken) and my parents looked at me like an outcast. I joined uni in 2016 (different university because i dropped out of my first one which i joined in 2013 because of rehab and had missed alot of classes because of bad anxiety and depression) and they were kind of happy that i was trying to turn my life around. For the first year i was able to go some classes but eventually my anxiety kicked in and from 2017 i started missing classes .In one semester i was even able to attend all my classes but i didn’t take the exam because of my anxiety. I became depressed because of missing classes and not doing shit and havent been able to do anything since. I continued to lie to them and now its the final week to graduation and i dont know what to tell them and how to say it to them. i know im fucked and there is nothing much i can do except the truth but having an abusive father as i have knowing he could kill me, i might as well do it before he does. The only person who could help me is my mom and after this she wont want anything to do with me. My family looks at me weird and both of my sisters hate me. Also my sister is graduating this year and my elder sister has a masters and that even adds more disappointment. I really want to finish school though and purse my other career which i have been focusing on for the past few years in music. But it looks like this is the end of the road for me so if you dont hear any feedback from me in the next few days or at least a week.. it was nice writing this down for someone else to read and i hope no one ever gets in such a shitty situation. I put my final piece of music that i was working on because i dont know of my future. Its an instrumental (im a producer/audio engineer) Thanks and Goodbye.
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
Reality is boring ! Real life is boring ! Real world is boring ! Humanity/Mankind must move beyond money & politics for real progress !
Reality is boring, Humanity/Mankind must move beyond money & politics for real progress.
Although technology have been progressing rapidly nowadays, yet sadly in many aspects, Humanity/Mankind/Society still have slow progress; Everyday is still the same day & problems over and over again repeatedly.
I believe that in order to make a real progress for Humanity / Mankind, we must quickly focus & do the followings:
1) We must move beyond money & politics. It is outdated. A lot of problems in this world today basically stems from these two root causes (& also superstitions especially in religion, as well as in Ignorance & Stupidity due to failure in Education). For a truly real progress, we must start to focus on much more important things. Try look up/google for Universal Basic Income (UBI), as well as Resource Based Economy (RBE), The Venus Project, & The Zeitgeist Movement, for starter.
2) We must seriously consider that there is a possibility that Humanity / Mankind will go extinct / extinction. Most probably caused by our own Ignorance & Stupidity, as well as Greed. Therefore, we must prepare for the worst possible scenario, and one best solution is to start building a system of selection for the best few candidates of Humanity / Mankind (10% of the planet’s population, for example), whom will continue the future of our Humans Species in the best, smartest, most intelligent, rational, logical, most creative, wisest, & most civilized as possible.
3) Finally, we must unleash our Human’s greatest & most important potential: Imagination. If reality is boring & very limited/limiting, then the only way for us is to start focusing quickly on how to enter the world of Imagination, and turn it into reality ASAP. Some very important technology that must be quickly developed are: Artificial Intelligence (AI), Virtual Reality (VR), Augmented Reality (AR), biological Mutations, entering our Consciousness into the vast Net, as well as Transhumanism. We must turn the wildest, most imaginative movies & video games for example like science fiction (sci-fi) into reality ASAP, for real progress.
Otherwise, we will be stuck in this boring reality everyday, repeating over and over again, & even it could get worse & worse!
So I’m trying to get better. I’m trying to fine the purpose of this life. Trying to understand what makes people want to live. But I don’t see it. We live in a world that is so ugly. Us as humans destroy everything we see, touch, and feel. We hurt others, and we hurt ourselves. Love is a rare thing to see. And so is happiness. I don’t get the point in living. I’m loosing hope in that things will get better. But there is something inside of me that tells me that things will get better. But there is a part of me that says that’s a lie. Things will never get better. The sun will rise and the moon will set, and everything will still be the same. I will still feel the same way. Think the same way. And wish to die in my sleep.
The thing that has been running through my head the most lately is the fact is that why did we leave each other when we still love each other. We killed each other by saying goodbye. Why did we leave? Why? Just why? I can physically feel the pain. Right in my heart. I stil remember the way your heart beats when we layed next to each other. The way my heart felt full, complete. Everything felt fine. Everything felt right. All the problems of the world went flying away in your brown eyes. I always felt safe with him. And I still do even when I’m not with him. With just seeing him, I know I’m safe and that everything will be ok. Nothing reallly bad can happen. But when I a fell asleep in your arms and you in mine, I prayed to god to never wake up. I didn’t want to wake up and have to go home. I wanted that moment to last forever. I miss you. More that you know. The memories kill me. But what kills me more is that I still wonder what would have been of us if we stayed together.
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
I wish I live in movies, books, novels, comics, anime, video games. Real world / Real life / Reality is boring & depressing.
Honestly, I just can’t understand nor fathom why Most / Majority of people can go watch movies, read cool, creative, imaginative books / novels / anime / comics, or play super imaginative & fantasy video games, and then later on they just go back to reality, as if nothing happens, and they’re ok with everything.
I hate to say this, but Most people simply just lack Imaginations. Even worse, Most people are boring. All people care in the everyday’s reality & their lives is just the most superficial, mundane, boring, & stupid things. Which is very depressing, especially when you feel like you’re just alone & can’t relate with most people anymore.
And I even can already predict in advance, that people will quickly spout out & say boring things like: “if you find Life / reality boring, then maybe it’s you who are boring, not this awesome, beautiful Life / reality.”
Bullshit.
People who said those words are, in my experience, either usually just stupid, naive, ignorant, and/or boring, lacking Imagination & even intelligence / not too smart.
Reality IS boring & depressing. Especially the more you know, learn, & observe it.
Have any of you heard the “Avatar syndrome” ? Google it. It’s basically the post-effects that many people apparently got, after watching the movie “Avatar” (James Cameron). It’s the feeling of depression, because they’re back to reality again, after watching (& experiencing) such magical, cool, awesome, mind-blowing, breath-taking, & beautiful ‘other-worlds’ of Avatar world.
I wish I live in Harry Potter world / universe , I wish Harry Potter was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Final Fantasy world / universe , I wish Final Fantasy was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Star Wars world / universe , I wish Star Wars was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Marvel Cinematic Universe , I wish Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU / MCEU) was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Avengers world / universe , I wish Avengers was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Lord of The Rings world / universe , I wish Lord of The Rings was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Naruto, One Piece world / universe , I wish Naruto , One Piece was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Mass Effect, World of Warcraft world / universe , I wish Mass Effect was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Skyrim world / universe , I wish Skyrim was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in World of Warcraft world / universe , I wish World of Warcraft was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in AOV (Arena of Valor) world / universe , I wish AOV (Arena of Valor) was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Kingdom Hearts world / universe , I wish Kingdom Hearts was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Mobile Legends world / universe , I wish Mobile Legends was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Ready Player One world / universe , I wish Ready Player One was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in The Matrix world / universe , I wish The Matrix was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in magical / magic world / universe , I wish magic was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in dragons world / universe , I wish dragons was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in fairy tales / faeries / fairies world / universe , I wish fairy faeries fairies was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in cyberpunk world / universe , I wish cyberpunk was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in fantasy world / universe / I wish fantasy was real / is real / really exist ,
etc etc etc
Reality is boring & depressing , & very limiting ! Real life is boring & depressing , & very limiting ! Real world is boring & depressing , & very limiting !
Fuck this boring reality ! Fuck this boring real life ! Fuck this boring real world !
I wish Virtual Reality (VR) , Augmented Reality (AR) really real & exist, and will progress much faster in those very important technology. Because I believe that Imagination is Humanity / Mankind ‘s most important potential, to turn into reality !
Otherwise, it’s probably better to just die, commit suicide, than to live / survive in this boring depressing life, world, & reality !
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
Human’s imagination is better than reality !
Movie / Movies is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Game / Games is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Comic / Comics book is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Novel / Novels is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Science fiction ( sci-fi ) is better than boring science facts , reality , real life , real world !
I wish superpower / superpowers really real exist …
I wish superhero / superheroes really real exist …
I wish magic is really real exist …
I wish mythology is really real exist …
I wish science fiction ( sci fi ) is really real exist …
real world is boring ! real-world is boring !
real life is boring ! real-life is boring !
reality is boring !
I HATE REALITY !!
I HATE REAL LIFE !! I HATE REAL-LIFE !!
I HATE REAL WORLD !! I HATE REAL-WORLD !!
Reality sucks , boring , depressing , and very limited / limiting / many limitations !!
People / anyone / anybody who said reality is fun & interesting , real life is fun & interesting , real life is fun & interesting , are usually people lacking imaginations & creativity !
In real life / real world / reality , there is no dragons … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no magic … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no superpower / superpowers … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no dragon / dragons … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no spells , wizards , casts like Harry Potter , Lord of The Rings, Game of Thrones … !!
In real life / real world / reality , we can’t fly … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no time travel , time machine … !! We can’t go back to the past , or to the future … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no alien / aliens , cool gods , advanced extraterrestrial beings , other cool creatures with special powers , etc etc … !!
in real world / in real life / in reality , it’s all only about MONEY / business !!!!!! .. . . .
in real world / in real life / in reality , everything is about MONEY MONEY / business !!!!!! .. . . .
i hate money , I hate business , I hate jobs , I hate working , I hate work !!! …
and in real world / in real life / in reality , most people / Majority of people are stupid , shallow , superficial , fake , ignorant , boring !!
I wish Marvel Cinematic Universe ( MCU ) , Avengers is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Game of Thrones ( GOT ) dragons , Harry Potter , Lord of The Rings ( LOTR ) is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Star Wars , Star Trek is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Skyrim is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Naruto , One Piece , Bleach is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Sword Art Online ( SAO ) is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring!
I wish AOV is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Final Fantasy is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Kingdom Hearts is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish RPG is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish science fiction / sci-fi / scifi / sci fi is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Ghost in The Shell is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish The Matrix is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish cyberpunk is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish aliens is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish superpower / superpowers is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish mythology is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish dragons is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic spells wizard is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
Most people are lacking imagination !
Majority of people are lacking imagination !
Most people are boring !
REAL LIFE IS BORING ! REAL-LIFE IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !
REAL WORLD IS BORING ! REAL-WORLD IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !
REALITY IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !!!!!
better to die than live or living in this real world !!! …
better to die than live or living in this real life !!! …
better to die than live or living in this reality !!! …
FUCK REAL LIFE !!!!
FUCK REAL WORLD !!!
FUCK REALITY !!!
THIS REALITY IS BORING , REALITY SUCKS , & REALITY IS LIMITED / LIMITING / FULL OF MANY LIMITS / LIMITATIONS … !!!!
in this reality … sadly ,. I am just a loser failure in this Society of Humans & Money …
.
.
so again … Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
escape into imaginations … !!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring real world … !!!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring real life … !!!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring reality … !!!
..
.
.
One.
For the sadness that lies deep in my heart,
And for the freedom that’s about to start.
Two.
For the hurt I’ve felt for 6 long years,
And for those long nights filled with tears.
Three.
For the emptiness I always feel,
And for my soul that will never heal.
Four.
For the broken smile I always fake,
And for my joy that always seems to break.
Five.
For a life I no longer want to live in,
And for death to take over and win.
Twenty.
For my last breath I will ever take,
And for my eyes to close and never to wake.
– A.B
Just a little background information: The countdown are not seconds, or time in general.
these last few days have been really weird. the number of times i’ve left my room is in single digits; i can’t seem to bring myself to leave my bed for some reason. still unemployed, still being a failure, still not doing anything, still complaining.
i don’t know what to write, but about 5 minutes ago i was sitting on my window and had a feeling i could do something not very nice so i guess typing whatever is better than that.
Every single minute
Every single hour
Is too late, devoured
Her time had come
Her time had gone
The lyrics are missing, to my song
Every single minute
Every single hour
Was supposed to be ours
Her deed was done
Under a hurting fire
Not only hers to take, expire
She had done much more.
Every single minute
Every single hour
Is too late
3 year
2 year
Of Obligations devoured
All will be finished
All will be done.
“I’m sorry mother”-
Biting my tongue-,
You’ll be missing YOUR heart-,
-missing YOUR son.
i just got home from working, and it’s 11pm. normally, my brother waits for his wife to get home and then go to bed, but i guess it’s only for her. they’re both asleep. i guess they don’t care, and i don’t blame them for that, nor am i mad at them. i just found it a bit sad.
in other news, this morning was very difficult for some reason; having said this, i was really struggling to not harm myself. i managed somehow, but at work i did get hurt many times, though not on purpose. at least i don’t think so.
life has been difficult lately, but i”l just have to go with it somehow.
I hope you are doing okay, and it is okay if you are not.
Sometimes I do not feel okay, and I almost ended my life because of it.
I have allowed myself to heal for three years before making the decision to share my story. This is not easy; the feeling of being vulnerable is hard to swallow, but I have accepted the social ramifications of allowing myself to open up publicly. I want to help others by sharing my experience because I know how it can feel to be alone. This piece carries a heavy trigger warning.
At some point, simple tasks became overwhelming and I stopped caring. The ability to express emotions and empathy ceased to exist. I cannot begin to describe the feeling that you feel when you lose connection with yourself. I became tired of being me, and it was a scary realization when I discovered that the person who was controlling my body was not supposed to be. It was never about death; it was more about shutting down the pain.
I believed that the night of my attempt was my last night. I stopped fighting. I was going to end it all. However, I realized that the end only happens when you stop fighting. I was not in a fit state to make decisions, but I knew I needed to find a safe environment to protect myself and to get help. My journey started in an ambulance and I spent a week in the hospital – I told my story until it felt like somebody else’s story. I talked to professionals, and the time spent with them was valuable. I got knocked down which did not mean I had to stay down, and getting to the point where you feel nothing does not have to be the end.
For three years, I let my mental health and the guilt of my attempt define me. Today, I know my pain is valid – my attempt did not make me weak. We all have moments of weakness, and we grow and learn to love and take care of ourselves. My story lives with me, but it does not define who I am anymore. I believe that my existence proves that I can make a difference in my own life; a life that is uniquely my own.
Please reach out to a family member, friend, support line:
trans lifeline: 877-565-8860
depression hotline: 1-630-482-9696
suicide hotline: 1-800-784-8433
lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
trevor project (A 24-hour, toll free confidential suicide hotline for LGBTQ youth): 1-866-488-7386
sexuality support: 1-800-246-7743
eating disorders hotline: 1-847-831-3438
rape and sexual assault: 1-800-656-4673
grief support: 1-650-321-5272
runaway (for when you are thinking of running from home, if you have a friend who has runaway, or if you are a runaway ready to go home): 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000
exhale: after abortion hotline/pro-voice: 1-866-439-4253
even though i can’t feel anything and my brain is a blur, i can still pretend everything’s fine, and people believe it. don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing; i guess it’s a bit of both.
about a week ago, i was told that people saw me as someone composed and mature, and that i seem to be happy even when there’s bad things going on; that it helps others feel better. and i legitimately laughed out loud when i heard that.
off topic, but being a young person who just moved to the other side of the world is hard. wow, shocker! my family forgets sometimes. finding a job in a completely different place is hard too. people seem to forget that, too. so far I’ve had 3 jobs. i had to quit two of them because i was having panic attacks when i thought about having to do what they asked me to do. people forget life is not easy for everyone. people think everyone is like them, and that everyone knows what they want in life. that all you have to do is get a job, and that’s it, because you’re now in a country with a thousand opportunities. but life isn’t for everyone. people forget this. or they just don’t want to believe it. or they think others are just too dramatic. that they’re childish. that they don’t want to do anything by themselves.
people are wrong sometimes.
once again, my brain is a blur so i just typed whatever came to mind. sorry if it doesn’t make much sense. between last night and today, too many things have been going on around the world. and even in my own little world, seeing as i can’t really remember what happened last night, apart from me suddenly realising i was about to relapse. disappointing, to say the least. anyways, now i’m just rambling. have a good night, hugs from a very boring person.x
Walked out of class because I couldn’t stop crying the moment I arrived. What’s wrong with me ?
I went to the cemetery on the hill my favourite place to go. And I just lay on top of an above the ground grave. And I cried.
I cried until I was numb.
I cried until I was screaming.
Then I just lay there. In silence. The wind blowing on my skin and the sun beating down on me.
I couldn’t really feel it but I didnt care. Because this was the first time I had felt at peace in weeks.
I lay there limp and emotionless. Anyone walking past would’ve thought I was dead I’m sure of it. Not that anyone would care. They’d just leave me there to rot amongst the dead.
And that’s where I decided I was going to die. When I was ready.
On that beautiful grave with my beautiful death. Poetic .
But for now I have to keep going. I won’t last much longer but I still have him. And he makes life worth living.
I miss my cemetery on the hill.
Fisrt of all I’m not proud of this. I’ve never thought I would be publishing something in a page like this. I guess there’s a first time for everything.
Second, I’m spanish that’s why my grammar sucks, pretty much that.
I have no idea where should I start. I’ve been depressed for a lot of years, I tried to kill myself a couple of times but I didn’t suceed.
Background:
My parents are not together, they divorced when I was eight. My mother started returning really late from work, kids started bullying me at school, but I could handle it, until I was twelve. My father was getting married with a really awful woman. I started getting psychological abuse from both of them and I started failing almost all subjects in my school. My mother got really mad at me because she said that I wasn’t doing my best and that I was the worst person at the family, that I was a failure, and she even mentioned killing herself because she couldn’t stand me, to cut a long story short I started getting psychological abuse from her too. I tried to kill myself but I didn’t succeed. Then, my mother discovered my passion for music and I started taking singing and piano lessons. It was the thing that saved my life. I was still feeling very ill but at least music made me feel better. Then two years later, everything started to get even worse, the psychological abuse was too much to take and my mother started getting drunk each night and tearing the whole house apart. Sometimes I even woke up at night because I heard her breaking down things. I started getting really bad anxiety to the point that sometimes I couldnt even breath and pass out for a couple minutes. Then I decided the best thing would be to move out with my father.
The first year was kinda okay, these last two years has been nightmare for me. Her wife and the son of his wife had been spreading lies about me to the point that only half of my classmates talk to me, and the abuse was even worse. I even started getting physical abuse from my father and her wife.
Current situation:
Even my mother is sick, I really prefer to live with her and I tried to talk with her to let me return to her house but she doesnt want me there, she told me that I have to pass everything to be able to return.
The thing is that, I can’t pass my subjects because Im really depressed and I have really bad anxiety. The worst thing of all is that Im even studying something I dont want to. I really want to pursue music as a career but my mother told me that she wont pay for it; that the only thing she would pay for is my medical career, because otherwise, I would be a failure. The family failure.
Now, music is the only thing that has kept me alive. The only thing why I havent left, because it gives me purpose.
Now I’m in a constant circle of agony and pain. I’m supposed to finish school in a month. I have to pass two subjects I can’t pass because I suck at them. I even go to extra-classes to pass them, but I still can’t. (Btw that teacher is a ***** because she says that I’m the worst and that I’ll never pass, I tried to change my teacher but my parents wont even listen to me)
My sister was the one that used to help me but now she has really afwul problems and she can’t spend her time on me, she said I have to fix it alone.
If I can’t study the thing I want to spend the rest of my live in, Why am I living? Why am I dealing with all the shit that I get from my family?
Im very suicidal and I even considered doing it if this doesnt get better. I thought of doing it on the month of May.
I don’t know what the fuck should I do.
I can’t leave, because I have nowhere to go.
I can’t even sleep anymore.
And the thing is I’m actually scared of attempting music as a career, because of what of my parents said. That I will never succeed and I’ll be homeless (because if don’t study medicine like I said, they won’t pay me anything and the best thing is that they even threatened me to kick me out of the house; both houses)
My friends are starting to get scared of me for my suicidal thoughts so I have no one I can talk.
My classmates fucking hate me because of my father’s wife and his son.
I only talk to one or two people now, and I’m afraid of telling them this, because I don’t want them to get scared like the others did, and I don’t want these rumors spreading around.
Yes, I tried seeking help from my doctor, who said that I was stressed by school and that it’s normal. My father doesn’t want to cope with me because he says I suck.
Music is the only thing that keeps me alive, and if I can’t be the singer I want to be, I might end all of this.
I’ll kill myself in May.
Would a person die when he’s dead?
Or would he only feel more pain?
I knew I’m already suffering from depression a year ago but it’s only last week that I started to hurt myself physically. It just happened. I don’t even know when or how something sharp came into my hand to slit my wrists. All I know is that I shove it on my skin and felt the burning pain beneath. And that it felt so good. To finally feel the pain. To finally divert my attention on my bleeding wrist rather than what I feel inside.
It was the time my brother came to yell at me for being the most brainless human being to have ever lived on land (not that he said that exactly, English isn’t our main language). It’s not as if I’m not used to him telling me the meanest things one could ever tell his sister. What I don’t understand is why does he have to shove those awful things right on my face. He always tell me I do what I do to make him look bad, to make him the bad guy in front of my parents. What’s ironic is that he isn’t a bad brother in front of our parents. He is when our parents aren’t around.
Four years ago, when we were about 12 and 13 (he’s a year older than I am), he would always throw punches at me and kick me and say awful things at me. He would always put the blame on me. Make me see that it’s always my fault whenever something bad happens. He has a way to rub it on my face and actually make me feel guilty even for the things I know isn’t my fault. He’s just so good in making me feel so bad for myself that I started to see myself as how he sees me–Failure. Stupid. Dumb. Weak. A sister he wished he never had.
Perhaps I can grant him at least one of those.
Even if I succeed, I would also see myself a failure. Even if I become even way more intelligent, I would always be the dumb and stupid sister of his. Even if I’d become stronger and braver, he would always find a way to make me look weak. All of those I call myself because I started to actually see myself the way he does.
Yet there’s still one left. If I die. If only I can vanish. If I just disappear.
He would get one wish granted. He would never have to see me again.
I know I can’t do it. Not yet.
But perhaps someday.
When I’m ready. When it’s time.
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