So I’m 26 years of age and I still live with my mom and my idiot brother. But that’s not the only reason why I want to die. My older brother is always a person who manipulates people so that he gets what he wants. He pretends to be nice to people only to get information about them and their personal gripes so he can use it against them. And if that doesn’t work he always instills fear to make people do what he wants. He used to treat me like that but when I grew up and took enough of his abuse, both physical and mental, I started to stand up to him and stopped talking to him. With the absence of talking to him I gained some freedom. But seeing as how I still live with him, and because since my Dad died and he’s the only one making money, he manipulates my mom so that I would always have to make sacrifices and he gets gains.
Now I do my best not to let it get to me, it’s all just a sick game he plays. But I wish my mom would actually defend me. She is the only one in my family that cares about me and even then she is scared to do anything about him. Whats worse is that I have depression and anxity. Over time I had a shitty track with jobs, friends and family. My family are too self absorbed to care about me and I have a friend but he’s too busy in his life, and even then he lives in another country. Most of the friends I make locally either forget me and move on in their lives, die or use me to get themselves further in life. And because of years of being abused, abandoned and used I just gave up on people. I became an introvert. And I am a bit happier by being it. (Don’t get me started on relationships, I sabotage them for some reason). But then every night I think I’m never gonna make it. I think when my mom die, I’ll forever be alone and the only way to survive is to get my own job and place but I can never keep a job because of my mental illness, therefore I will never get out of this house and make it on my own. I will never find someone to be in a relationship, heck being gay in a country that hates it makes it hard to meet someone, and even then I’ll sabotage it.
And then, even though I thought myself “no matter what people think about me, it’s not fact” my older brother tends to lie about me to my family and then comes around me, accusing me of stuff that I didn’t do. And if it’s one of those days where I’m not in the mood for his shit, we will argue and then I’ll either get an anxity attack, where I cut myself to return to normal or I get really depressed and just wanna either do nothing or find something to kill myself with.
What I really hate is that most of the times when I get something to kill myself I mostly back out. I always think about how It will affect my mom and I hate that. Because then the cycle starts again. There was only 3 times where I did went through with it, twice when I was a teen, but my parents found me and last year but I fucked up the dosage. I hate being alive and I wish I had the strength to become nothing instead of staying alive in this hell known as life and experience being nothing.
3 comments
That’s just family for you, most families are dysfunctional. Me and my bro use to beat each other black and blue when we lived together lol now we are like best friends. We don’t have hard feelings etc it was just normal to us, one min we’d be fighting and then we were going for drinks together as if nothing had happened.
Maybe there are still things you could try before choosing suicide, like getting your own place or something? usually it makes all the difference, for me, I have gotten on better with all my family since I left home.
I lived with my parents when I was 26. It was not a pleasant experience. Even now that I have my own place about twenty miles away from them, I wish it was 2,000 miles away. I agree it would really help you to get your own place. You say you can’t keep a job because of your mental illness, have you tried? If so, what kinds of jobs have you tried? Maybe if you had your own place, the lowered stress from no longer living with your brother might make it easier to keep a job.
@dividebyzero I have. I used to work in a Pharmacy, but I lost my job due to thieves working there and the management not doing anything about it (Long Story), I then worked for a factory, but they had me me doing allot of physical labor of which I’m too weak to do seeing as how I’m really small, then I worked in a costume shop, I got along with the customers but the owners hated me because I wasn’t a person who sat down with them and listen to their problems and then I worked in the office of another factory and I would misinterpret things, plus the person who was supposed to teach me did a bad job at it cuz he hated me and ultimately I loosed that job as well. Currently I’m just trying to further my education and then go and learn graphic arts, but this country is so creatively dead that I doubt I’ll get far after completing it. I know I’ll have to leave this place.