Two days of feeling “normal” and I’m done.
Thank goodness it is done. Two days of just walking around without needing to paint or write. Initially I felt peaceful. Then I missed it.
Two days of empty peace. Not lonely, not manic. Sitting for the sake of sitting. No revelations. No spiritual plunging into cool bodies of water.
I feel like an imposter sometimes here. I rarely think of killing myself. It is more that I need to end the mania. It is a snake eating its own tail. Run out of tail, run out of options.
It has a really long tail.
Iām nibbling the end of my tail today. It feels so damn good.
Love yourself.
Be kind.
HDS
21 comments
Hazy Day Sunflower, HA HA! an imposter!!! What am I laughing for so do I?? HDS PLEASE BE AN IMPOSTER FOR A FEW DAYS! And enjoy yourself š I will try to follow suit š
When I say imposter I feel like I’m not depressed or suicidal enough to be at this forum. I struggle at times to understand some of the more desperate posts. I read them but all I can think to say is “I read this and I will be here to talk”. I don’t have any insights really because I cycle so fast I am rarely down long enough for it to register. Sometimes I’ll be down for a few days but in the back of my mind I know I will head back up. Sometimes I wonder if anyone else feels like I do.
I get so obsessive that I can’t think. Sometimes I get in a place where I think killing myself will stop the obsession but it isn’t depression that drives it, it is the need to stop the insanity in my head driving me to just put everything in overdrive.
Then there are the magical thinking where I am convinced God is telling me to do this and that, which I am compelled to follow. Or shit just loads up in my brain, music I have never heard before or whole blocks of poetry or writing and it just doesn’t stop. Some days it is like a slide show that juts keeps going. The other day I almost called in sick to work because I had three paintings loaded in my head that I needed to do, plus this song that I was hearing that I needed to find and that was going to take hours on Youtube to find the song I was heaering, even though I never heard it before. I have had a woman’s voice singing this song in my head all day today and I really don’t have a lot of hope I am going to find it on Youtube. Mainly because I don’t have to time. Maybe tonight when everyone goes to bed.
I got my iPod working again and it is syncing with my computer correctly. This is making me want to load new music onto it, stuff I found last night or earlier this week.
I’ll tell you what I frequently tell my cat when he starts gnawing on his tail. Stop that. Bad kitty. Tails are for balance and cuteness, not eating.
The snake is basically a tail with a head, which is how I feel most days. When I get to my head I turn inside out.
Cats taste just like chicken, in case you were wondering.
We should make some cat flavored gummy bears and see if there’s a market for them. I bet there is somewhere in Japan.
Yes because Japan, of COURSE Japan.
i just had a stupid idea flavored gummy Rocketmen!!!!! they taste like vodka!! and make you stupid????? hum? never mind bad idea š
What would they be shaped like….?
Cordless, Rockets!! use your imagination?? š you see you get me started!!!
Cat-flavored rocket-shaped vodkabears – sounds like a russian product line. š
rivets, we’d probably get arrested!!! for creating a bunch of drunk stupid kids!
Now that the site is getting active i’m mad! because i have to go! lose money!! the Indians are calling me! wish me luck.
I don’t think you are an imposter, here, Hazy. As you once told me, not everyone here is actively suicidal. And they don’t have to be, to be here.
True. This site has helped me Immeasurably. It is the only place I can just be me and not have to make sure my lipstick on on correctly.
Truth be told, I never wear my lipstick here.
Ouroboros is an ancient symbol depicting a snake eating it’s own tail. It comes from a Greek word meaning “tail eating serpent”. (Thank you, Wikipedia). It’s supposed to represent self-reflection, taking an introspective look within one’s self. Apparently the Ouroboros has been around for a very long time.
Yes. Love that symbol. I think that is really represents who I am. Maybe I’ll paint something representing it today. I have to think how I want it to look though. Thanks for commenting Morris.
I came here looking to die, no joke, i still have those thoughts running through my head, i have the equipment less than ten feet from me, it’s been sitting there for years now, i don’t even pull it out and play with it, this site had a lot to do with saving my life, i’m glad people put up with me, my goal is to try to help people with the truth and with laughter. which nobody wants to hear or do š
Rocketman WTF! I’m talking about killing myself! and your trying to make me laugh!!! i want to hear go for it!!!!! yeah jump!!! your ruining everything!!
True. I try to help with paintings and music. I see paintings and music attached to everyone here.
I’m happy that you’re here though, I generally always enjoy reading your posts…. Your writers voice reminds me heavily of a person I used to know…. Also I wouldn’t think being an impostor here is a bad thing, at least it would just add one more person to feel like is in a somewhat simmillar boat. Sometimes I really wish that many other people here are impostors but I know that probably is never the case š
Who does it remind you of?
Hazy Day Sunflower, You are a great help! you have many talents including paintings and music.