Hey everyone, just me- Im 19 right now and I really hate my life . I see people complaining back and forth about trivial things and the truth is I always believed they didn’t know what true pain was. But I know it isn’t right or fair because I’m just comparing their pain to mine andy oroblems aren’t anyone elses. I was molested by my cousin when I was about 8 in 4th grade. the earliest time I can honestly remember this, I was experimented on and I was penetrated my older cousin. Both my cousins fondled me though. That may not seem like much but from those single experiences, I would never ever recover and it would alter the course of my future forever. I also remember I also tried to do the same to another boy shortly after when my family moved to North Hollywood and was 9. My girl cousin was actually touched inappropriately by our uncle at the age of 12 I believe, and AGAIN recently by her own sisters husband who are were recently engaged like 5 months ago with the ceremony and everything. I never said a word but my pain was greater than most people and while there are definitely people with worser stories , dammit I really went through a lot of emotional pain. But I thought I knew what pain was, I always distanced myself from other and family. I didn’t tell them about being molested and I didn’t know what to do at the age mainly beacsue i was teying to deal with everything myself. In short, I was afraid to let to tell the adults(parents) at the moment and I thought I was doing the right thing so I stayed quiet. Unfortunately I couldn’t save myself.. maybe if I had been honest from the very beginning I could have probably saved myself and avoided all of this together. In a way I didn’t think it was that bad having some form of experience with a guy because I thought I could honestly mess around with a guy and try not to act like a homophoboc curious guy that supposedly never thought about messing around with another guy.Those thoughts were always in the back of my head and layed dormant in the back of my mind . but when graduation day in 8th grade (middle school) was finally approaching ,I remember that day walking back home and having thoughts about a guy and the truth was that it scared me honestly, I remember just telling myself no no no no No (repeatedly) your not gay , your not gay. No but deep down I knew these feelings wouldn’t go away. Yes my story mostly revolves around me trying to understand myself and coming to terms with my sexuality and the subsequent events that would follow as a result. I remember when I began as a freshmen in high school my feelings towards guys completely changed when I saw this boy or guy who In my eyes was so attractive. That was proof enough that I was gay but I’m straight but that would make me bisexual. I remember these thoughts of liking males as well and the thought of them not liking you back,l , it was torture. these thoughts constantly plagued me all throughout high school and currently still do but not as badly anymore mainly cause I go to adult school and I’m just about 2 weeks from finally graduating high school even though I was originally planned to graduate in 2014. I distanced myself from everyone and was spent the whole freshmen year by myself in lunch time literally by myself in empty spots in high school to the point where teachers would even tell me Hey! You cant eat back here . I felt ostracized. My feelings turned into anxiety,fear, nerves , anger , depression .. All these horrible emotions surfaced and I just remember like late 2014 , thinking how life would be if I just killed myself but I didn’t do it numerous occasions and right now I wish I did even though I don’t want to die. I’m also an illegal immigrant but I like to think I’m still a human just an undocumented human Latino. That already made life hard and I also broke my tooth in 2009 October 8TH grade so just that too made me feel like shit and unable to show any self confidence because of my smile and its still like this today which is why I almost never smile and when I do I feel bad honestly. I tell myself no u smiled ,why .Someone can see your ugly smile. My lack of confidence at an early age made me develop a quirky quiet personality mainly because I didn’t have anyone to pull me out of my gloomy darkness often. Im biesexual but I spent years trying to lie to myself and be the person and son others would want to admire and like but I failed time and time again trying to be the perfect child or cool guy or even normal guy in their eyes. I wanted to be as straight as possible like act straight ,look straight and just be a normal guy even though I knew being ungay was basically impossible. Anyways I honestly went through a great deal in my early childhood and high school , anyways. I felt like my life is just a book of drama but I’ll try to make it shorter. About 2 years ago when I finally found out and decided to date a guy online September 2014 . i got excited and hoped something romantic would happen but after a couple fails to attract anyone I liked fast enough I got impatient and I discovered the men seeking men on Craiglist. I finally had a sexual encounter with a guy on craiglist but before that , I remember thinking a couple times like if had a sexual encounter with a guy , what are the chances that I could catch a disease . but I was a fool and just remembered saying to myself that it was probably unlikely and that I didn’t want to think negatively. I was 18 luckily but I I had sex with a 28 year old guy. To be honest I kinda did enjoy my first kiss but how I see it Is was my like 1 hour of fun worth it because unfortunately I overlooked the risks and had unprotected sex . Now its really hard to admit still even to strangers online but Im pretty sure and I hate to say it but I’m honestly certain I have aids. What’s worse In a devil because Im inadvertantly causing harm to anyone and more importantly my family and friends. Im almost 100% sure I gave them hiv and I’ve seen this horrible cycle many times. My cousin believes she knows what pain is but and I thought I did before my tragic fate.. and I DID, but this ..THIS IS TOO MUCH!!!! Do you know how Much emotional pain this is taking a toll on me. I haven’t even told anyone…IFUCKEN HATE MY LIFE !!!! THIS IS REAL PAIN !!! My family and friends suffering because of me …and for the past 14 months I havent done much and I’ve only done things to make me feel better. I’m a liar and a devil. I’m a real devil. I know what pain is . this isn’t the way I wanted things to be and looking back I should have killed myself when I had the opportunity . I honestly consider myself smart and I’m proud of how morally educated I am but for a smart guy ,I really made some stupid f**#n decisions . I recently told my cousin that I was molested and that encouraged me to bisexual. But I don’t tell her her brothers were ones the would forever alter my future. And the worse part is that dark secret is nothing and that there is another much much darker secret.I don’t know what will become of my life but it sure hasn’t gotten any easier and either I just have bad luck in life or I really am an idiot. Right now, I don’t know what will become of my life ,my life is in shambles, I dont have any aspirations anymore, Ive lost all hope ..Im just alive but Im not living . I dont have much to smile about ..Im not dead but I feel dead inside and Im only living because of my family and trying to hold onto to a hope or miracle im my darkest hour that may not even exist . I feel the saying be careful what you wish for can honestly apply to me
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8 comments
wow! you say you have aids do you get tested? or do you just think that?
hum? i don’t know what to say? if you are gay then your gay so what?
if your bisexual then your bisexual so what?
it’s your life live it the way you want. you don’t have to put a tattoo on your head i’m this i’m that, just be yourself and make friends.
Thank you for sharing your story. I would really like to hug you after reading it. It is a horrible story, you must be very desperate.. but somehow it is inspiring to me, because of the pain you go through and you still manage to do things
You lie, not because you are a bad person, but because it is such a difficult situation. You are not the devil.. Many other persons in such a desperation would make the same mistakes as you did. I think you need help from a person who doesn’t know your family and friends.
I have more to say, but my english is bad.. I hope this helps a little bit
Like rocketman says. Have u been tested?? If not then its just ur thoughts about what u have done making u think the worst. Theres also NO way for u to give ur family hiv. Unless u had exchanged bodily fluids. U cant get it from kissing them or sharing cups etc.. get a test man, & if ur gay or bi, then live it. But do it safely.
You guys this isn’t the first time I hear well have you been tested and what if its something else like another medical problem… But your wrong , Im a smart guy And I can’t lie to myself .. I felt this way couple days after my sexual encounter. I have all symptoms of and an individual carrying the disease. I don’t need proof I’ve have night sweats ,opportunistic and sudden sicknesses, muscle atrophy, weight loss, soar body , short breath , dizziness , chronic fatigue, all these symptoms prove the axiom. I did go through a great deal but now I’m dealing with something much bigger and I don’t know why I’m still alive. Is it my doing and sheer will power or a miraculous sign of divinitive forces .. I don’t know but this is the story of my life and I’m living in it unfortunately and I’m the only one to blame
On and actually your both wrong despite some scientific claims .I can give you both aids with enough contact with my perspiration. Ive seen this horrible cycle a minimum of 7 times and each time I’ve seen all those people hurt and 2 of them I remember with vivid images , It looked as though they were going to die with their pale skin and the virus just infiltrating and weakening their immune system beginning its horrible cycle. Don’t underestimate the process of cell replication. Its so sad and it shouldn’t be hard to believe. I got HIV which developed into aids . I was careless and from a non-emotional point of view. Its just another virus damaging its victim. That’s the only truth but I honestly hope that If I die any month now, This curse will end after me since I started it. That’s sounds arbitrary and it is but I want my death to please end this if miracles do exist or I need the ART to slow down and keep the disease under control so that they can live normal life once again . That’s all I wish for now.
I totally duspute what ur saying.! I have seen two people die of hiv. I know alot about it. U would literally need to drink a bucket of sweat or spit to catch hiv. I don’t know how close ur family is but I doubt u gave it to them. How long ago did u contract said disease? Im not saying u dont have it.. im so sorry if u do. Its a fucking horrible way to die. But cut the shit on giving to ur family ok. Not possible dude.
Well, you can’t give anyone AIDS. Maybe those people looked like shit for completely different causes. It seems you feel like a walking, breathing poison destroying lives, and if someone looks ill, it totally has something to do with you. Take a step back and get tested. Get treated, if not for yourself then for those you love. If you’re afraid of transmuting the virus, then medicine will help lower the chances of infecting others with it and other diseases. I think you need prescriptions? Maybe you’ll sleep better knowing you took the necessary steps.
Also, if I were you, and was 100% sure I infected someone I knew, I’d tell them get tested. See a doctor. Put your fear aside and reach out to them. I’d feel like such utter shit if they went untreated and developed AIDS. There’s hope.
When I was young, our babysitter gave my brother and I, Tuberculosis. Thank god she had the courage to warn my parents of the possibility and get us treated before it became active.
I’m sorry if I sound harsh or hurt you in any way. And I’m saying all this assuming you aren’t getting treatment. That last reply, “or I need the ART to slow down and keep the disease under control so that they can live normal life once again .” is a bit confusing to me. What happened to you in your youth is so fucking bullshit and I hope those people get fucked. Sure, it was a foolish decision to have unprotected sex, but its not YOUR fault you got infected. That guy chose to hide his illness from sexual partners like a fucking dick.
It takes an average of 8 years to get aids from hiv and that’s when you’re not on meds, if you’re on meds you can live a very close to normal life, get tested as soon as possible, in fact get tested for all stds!