Angsty

**** Just a slight warning, I do talk about animal abuse in this post…. just letting you know in case that is far to upsetting for you…. I’m sorry****

Grrrr I’m just annoyed…. I feel so uncomfortable, and worried about so many things…. My last week of school is next week, I have so very much to do. And fuck my ear…. My left ear felt clogged, so I decided to clean it out with drops and water and everything, NOPE that just made it worse, much much worse…. I am sort of tempted to just go digging around in it with an xacto knife, let’s see if it still is clogged then…. Probably won’t be working anymore, but fuck it…. I hate that ear right now. oh wait it’s not my left ear, it’s my right as it’s on the side with my right hand…. sides confuse me sometimes, as sometimes I think of them as if I’m facing myself but not at the same time…. It’s hard to keep track of which is which. But yeah last week of school, I have to make a mobile, I have to finish a math project thing (I feel like in its current state it’s a bit too weak, so I want to make an excel spreadsheet that does cool stuffs, which shouldn’t be too hard) and I have to actually complete a spanish journal so I can actually take one of the finals (I haven’t completed any so far this quarter) but I’m sort of to a point where I no longer can pass that class (mathematically) and it’s too late to drop so maybe I should just not show up for the final and stuffs…. But that will be my last chance to see these people that I’ve had classes with for 2 years now…. I probably failed this class just because there isn’t a class after, and staying with that group was my only motivation…. I didn’t pick up the ones I wanted as friends unfortunately 🙁 And now I’m just realizing I didn’t yet register for classes for summer and fall yet (fall registration is open now too) which I should probably do…. And I may have to face my old computer science professor who I dropped a class of since he teaches basically all the other classes I need…. but he may be mad at me, he always seemed kind of mad at me because I never did anything on time, and he felt that I was one of the better people there…. Always lectured me about how great I could be if I studied and tried and stuffs like that…. He’s probably going to ask why I randomly dropped that class and didn’t have any of his classes this quarter (I’ve had classes with him basically every quarter I’ve been at my school) I don’t want to answer those questions. Grrrr then I have finals which I’m probably going to fail, I just hope that my GPA doesn’t drop below a 2.0 this quarter because then I’ll be back on Academic probation -_- and I don’t want to math again, this is like the 5th time I’ve taken this class…. although I’m doing better than before, so that’s a good sign…. But other than that I guess I’m okay, I still haven’t explained to my father why I’m seeing a counselor, and he’s starting to ask more questions about that…. at first he was just content with the idea that it was because I had a “bad attitude”, but now he’s asking me how much longer I’m going to be seeing him and why I need to see him for so long, he’s also finally noticed some of the large marks running across my hands (on the backs of them, on my right hand I have about 6 large scars 4 of which are around 2 inches long and the other 2 around an inch or so long, they are all fairly thin the widest is about a quarter of an inch, all of them are raised from my skin, like you know, bumpy) and he asked about that, he immediately asked if it was my cat then thought that they were too large for my cat, then argued with me that they were not there the week before (which they were) not sure of his thought process about fully healed wounds being less than a week old. He got upset when I just said that I wasn’t sure and claimed that I was lying to him, he eventually dropped it though…. Which he probably (hopefully) forgot about, he does drink a lot…. At least this time he didn’t actually just ask why I was cutting myself, he did that once which scared me and I just avoided that question and he seemed to forget about it…. that was like 2 years ago when he was living at home. I don’t want him knowing, but I’m probably going to have to tell him this sometime but he may just disown me…. and my survival depends on him…. there are so many things I don’t tell him which I wish I could yet probably never will…. I guess it may be time to start working on some lies for these situations…. I should have done that before it started becoming a problem. I’ve also sort of been kind of worried about the fact that I don’t seem to really care about people which I should. Like even my close friends I don’t really feel like I’d be too upset if something were to happen to them, well I would be, but not directly…. Like I get upset when I don’t have any friends and feel lonely which is unpleasant. But my current individual friends I find that I don’t actually care about on a personal level, I just want them around so I’m not lonely…. Like I sort of find myself thinking of them more like objects, like play things, things to keep me entertained…. And I know that’s probably not a good thing to think about people, I should love and care about them and stuffs…. But I really don’t…. I also really don’t feel that way about my cat, but I am more attached to her as an individual than my friends. Like I will be directly upset when she dies, but from my thinking about it and running scenarios mentally where she is dead I do indeed cry, quite heavily actually, but the feelings I experience are the same as if I break something…. Which again probably isn’t right (yes I cry when I break things, well things of mine at least) so the only thing that probably would make me sad about her death is more than likely the fact that I “own” her…. So this does sort of make me worry about if I end up somehow ever finding myself in a romantic relationship (which is unlikely) as I probably actually won’t care about the person, and may end up feeling sort of a feeling of ownership over them, which both are really fucked up…. Why can’t I be normal? and feel normal feelings? I hate that, also I’m really confused about a lot of the things that I think…. As I do impulsively think a lot of things that I don’t really want to think, and picture them in fairly great detail and they make me want to do things which I don’t sometimes…. Like often I end up just getting thoughts about breaking my cat, like maybe she’s laying on the floor and stretches in a really cute way and I think “awwww that’s cute ^_^” and then I suddenly just picture me beating her to death with a plate, or something like that…. And I suddenly find myself really wanting to do this, and I just picture her cries of pain and fear as she pleads for her life, and the soft exhales that she’ll make as I hit her, and the panicked breathing…. and just how good it would feel to just sit there and feel the life leave her and know that I did that, that I took away everything that she is from her…. Just imagine how good it would feel…. and just how cute she would be while dying…. However this then springboards into how I would be upset about her not being around anymore and that I would miss her…. Then I feel really bad, and then recall the times when I’ve beaten her…. which yes I have actually beaten her, never with an object though, only using my own body…. I hate to admit it, but I’ve really hurt her twice 🙁 I feel horrible about those events…. they were several years ago, and she trusts me again now (finally) I have to admit one was much worse than the other, like the first time all I did was punch her like twice and then kick her and she just ran away and hid for several hours after that and kept her distance from me for a few days after…. and wasn’t really that nice after that 🙁 which then lead to the next time which was a lot worse, I just got so upset that she didn’t love me…. So I decided that I would hurt her, I just wanted to hurt her more than she’d ever been hurt before in her life…. So that was about 30 minutes of me slapping and punching her in the face and body…. mostly her side as she curled up in a courner and hid her face and was very hard to uncurl at that time…. she shook so much 🙁 and made some horrible noises (I was home alone, this was one of the first times I was left home alone) I’m done talking about this…. Sorry about running off into this…. is something I’ve needed to sort of talk about for awhile…. I’ve never told anybody else this…. And I really hate myself for this, as she trusted me…. I raised her from a fairly young kitten, and she used to run to me when scared, so clearly I was like a security blanket or something like that to her…. and I betrayed that trust, I really feel bad about the things that I’ve probably made her feel…. Even though I don’t really care about other living things, I don’t want them feeling things like that…. Wow I got very off topic there, didn’t even think it would go that direction, but I couldn’t stop…. And I want to post this, as I do feel I should probably talk to somebody about this…. Maybe I should mention this to my counselor however I’m not confident I could keep my composure if I did that (like I’m crying fairly heavily right now and I was only just typing about it)…. Which makes me uncomfortable…. and he may take my cat away…. I don’t want that, she keeps me company and stuffs…. and I doubt I’ll do it again…. She’s safe with me, these incidents were like 8 years ago…. -_- only a little bit after I started actually cutting myself, things were really not going well at that time…. Things are better now…. Also I’m a little worried about the fact that I’m not taking my medicine, like my doctor gave me 3 months worth 2 months ago, and the bottle is still mostly full…. So when I see my doctor again for a refill in like 2 weeks, I will still have probably 2 months of it left…. and I won’t tell them I’m not taking it, I’ll just say that it’s going well and that I’m feeling better and they’ll probably give me more…. Then I don’t know what to do with the extra bottle…. maybe I could just hide it in my closet…. so when my father comes home for a bit he won’t ask why I have two bottles…. maybe I can just start gradually emptying the other one and hiding those too so it looks like I’m taking them? I’ve been trying to start taking them again, but it’s hard to remember to take pills every day…. Also I didn’t really feel different at all while on them, even after an actual month and a half taking them every day…. Maybe I should just start taking like 4 or so every day until I catch up? maybe that could work…. I know that wouldn’t work…. but it would get rid of them…. and it’s only Zoloft so nothing that’s fun sadly 🙁 So really maybe I should just throw the extras away, like they are not fun as a recreation or anything, and it probably isn’t a good idea to just up my dose myself…. Maybe I should just say that they aren’t doing anything and try to get a better drug? O.o

Okay I’m done rambling now, the last bit was mostly there just for me to calm down…. Which I am calm now ^-^ I actually feel quite a bit better currently after talking about all of this…. and apparently found something that’s still bothering me, so that’s probably a good thing…. Didn’t know it bothered me that much, as normally I never would try to remember the details of it or the feelings involved or anything it was just more of just acknowledging the fact that it occurred. Welp if anybody read this I’m sorry about some of the topics involved…. And that it’s very long and ranty…. But I guess thanks for reading this…. :/