fuck my life

Welp so tonight, I picked up my friend at about 11:30, we went to the store…. just got back (it’s about 3:30) yes AM, and this was in the evening…. and I had a good time. We went to Walmart, two Walmarts actually because the one in that city didn’t have my brand of juice which was mostly what I wanted…. then we went the sherries which I ended up paying for…. So basically I’m out of the $60 my father gave me…. so my worst fears are coming true, I’m going to have to dip into the “emergency” money that my sister gave me for gas tomorrow…. That upsets me, mostly because I was more willing to spend more money because I knew I had like $100 sitting back at home and was safe, I didn’t want to have to use it…. But I know I get careless when there are funds that I have easy access too…. It was a fun experience the food was really good…. Although I sort of wasted the food now…. as I got home and vomited 🙁 like really bad vomit, like not the worst vomiting I have ever done, but it was all chunky and stuffs with pieces of pie and a lot of coffee in it…. so it was really bitter vomit (first time I had bitter vomit really) But I mean it was only 2 large heaves and was over in less than a minute, also had a lot of blood in it…. which is a bit concerning…. Like I wasn’t even trying to vomit, and I didn’t vomit because I felt sick or anything, it was mostly because I got into a large coughing fit when I got back home that got so violent that it sort of forced vomiting…. Like sick vomiting and coughing vomiting feel so different too, like coughing vomiting hurts…. Although I hate gag vomiting more…. I just always sort of feel bad when I vomit though, because I feel like I should actually scoop it up and eat it, as it is wasteful to vomit…. but I realize that would probably lead to me vomiting again…. Although I’m a bit of a hypocrite there as I have actually intentionally forced myself to vomit on several occasions…. Like a lot of time when I over eat (by like several days, like sometimes I’ll like I think the worst time (calorie-wise) was when I went to jack in the box and got 2 of their munchie meals, 4 jumbo jacks, and 12 tacos and ate that in one sitting with two “family-sized” bags of doritos, with a can of that tostidos cheese dip stuffs…. ) And I did eat all of that in one sitting, then I sort of felt really bad about eating basically 10 days worth of food in one sitting I decided that it either had to mostly all come back up, or I had to go about 12-14 or so days without eating…. Since I REALLY like to eat I decided that it was going to come back up, and it did…. Happily I got it up by just sitting over the toilet and heaving until I started vomiting, and once I started I didn’t really stop until after about 6 heaves (they were not really full heaves) and then I repeated this until nothing really came up anymore, it took like 3 or so cycles, until I got to just spitting up clear liquids and once I did that like a few times (at least twice to make sure, then maybe once more to even up the amount of vomits (fuck odd numbers)) I was done, and it felt so very good…. Although today I felt fairly good about the amount of food I ate, it was only like 1400 calories, and I’m currently 15 pounds lighter than what I used to be (thanks sickness) I was really okay with the idea of keeping it down, honestly I would probably happily allow myself to digest a much larger meal right now, like I don’t want to be fat, but I want to be larger than I am right now…. Like I can see my rib cage right now, that’s not good 🙁 140 is what I want to sit at, but I’m like a 128 or so right now (my last weigh-in) but either way I still really hate vomiting and wasting food even though it feels good, but it feels wasteful, and I don’t like the idea of wasting, so basically I wasted like $20 by vomiting, which bothers me today because I could have been okay if I had digested it…. although I guess I did sort of enjoy the vomiting a bit, but also hated it…. I always like vomiting because it feels really good in some ways, but I always hate it too because it also feel really bad in some ways…. But hey at least I didn’t cut myself today or yesterday, eventhough I was certain I would yesterday for feeling like I was taking advantage of my sister, instead I decided to lay in bed and listen to an ASMR video of positive affirmations delivered threw close ear-to-ear whispers, it was very relaxing and felt really nice actually and I ended up falling asleep…. And today I mostly just sort of asked my friend if he wanted to go to the store with me because I decided that it would at least prevent me from cutting myself…. Also it was nice talking to him a bit, he did seem a bit worried about me as he did assume that something was wrong…. Which I guess is nice…. Like my friendship with him is really weird, in so many ways…. Like being around him makes me feel so much worse about myself in many ways, as he does always tell me that I’m horrible at everything and I will never be as good as him at anything. So in some ways that sort of makes me feel a bit more worthless…. But he also does always tell me he loves me, and generally always asks about how I feel, and always asks how the self-harm is going…. Which is nice, he never really asks for details, but it is just sort of nice having somebody just sort of just ask things like “did you cut/burn/hit yourself last night?” and then ask if I am going to be okay if the answer ends up being yes, like that is fairly nice…. So it’s really weird…. Also there is sort of the dynamic that we give off the vibe to people that we are dating, because apparently we do act like we are just due to how we constantly talk about things like taking showers together and things like that and also cuddle often…. Oh yeah I also like that I can cuddle with him, he’s like the only person I have been comfortable enough to cuddle with, although still no frontal hugging or hand-holding, never did either of those things with anybody…. So apparently that makes him a bit uncomfortable, although not enough to actually bother him, he just has had to form a code word to let me know that it isn’t a good time…. But I guess I do value our friendship…. I do sort of worry though for the rest of tonight, because I did drink like 12 cups of coffee and am starting to feel jittery, guess I didn’t cough it all up ^_^ it was mostly pie that came up, pie and blood…. with a bit of coffee, not 12 cups worth though…. and a few bits of bacon, I mean we did spend like 3 hours eating, the shopping only took up about half an hour. I still don’t actually feel very good though, like I sort of feel worse because he did have to go home and sleep, but I don’t feel like I’m going to sleep much tonight…. Like I feel really bad about spending all of that money tonight, I should have known we always spend a lot of money when we go out, also I left sort of a large tip ($8 on a $38 order) so I guess that’s good…. -_- But I do feel horrible that I am going to end up using that money that I conned my sister for to get gas with :/ I should have never went on this trip, because I thing I was trying to avoid is probably going to happen anyway…. I sort of wish I had bought some lighters, but I really couldn’t with my friend with me, he wouldn’t be very happy about that idea…. But I mean I can just burn myself on the stove anyway, but lighters are a bit less scary…. Burning is only something I have done once and that was with a match…. so it is still sort of in that realm where I am kind of scared of it still in a way, well scared is the wrong word…. I guess less comfortable with it…. Like with cutting I am comfortable going deep enough to see fat fairly easily, haven’t really constantly gotten deeper to another land mark, like never have seen ligaments or anything like that, once got deep enough on the back of my forearm to see what may have been bone (it was like all grey and spongy) and that was only once, and was the deepest I have ever gotten…. Like most only go down to what I am certain is the layer of fat that rests below my skin, like it’s a very bright white color and it sometimes even has these little balls in it that are sort of squishy…. I can only guess it is fat because it looks a lot like the fat that I see on meats and stuffs…. either way that is kind of how I gauge if I cut deep enough, if most of them don’t go that I deep I have to keep going until well over half of them are deep enough…. Now I’m thinking about how I probably should like once I cut myself stick the knife into the cut (starting on the edge of course) and then pushing it in as deep as I can from there and then dragging it back across to make the cut deeper…. I feel like that would be the best way to get even deeper fairly consistently, and now I am curious as I have never done this before…. hmmmm maybe I’ll try it out tonight, and I mean I don’t have anything that special that I care about later today or this week (like yesterday, which really was two days ago now actually…. Saturday evening.) for the most part the thing that stopped me from doing anything was mostly because I didn’t really like the thought of going to my nieces first birthday part with my arms all cut up, like yeah nobody would know but that’s still really fucked up any way you slice it…. get it slice it? Eh? ^-^ I am having a mild laugh over that…. I’m tired okay…. But yeah I may even cut up my face a bit, like I don’t have to see any family or anyone that I care about knowing that doesn’t already know for like a week…. Oh wait shit, I actually do…. as I forgot to bring my father his mail today so I do have to do that…. So I guess I’ll wait a day to cut up my face, I would much rather only see him with a mostly healed cut on my face…. maybe even be “sick” next sunday when I am supposed to visit him, like I do have that money from my sister which would allow me to be okay without getting money from him for the week (I live alone in his house, so he generally gives me money for food and gas since I currently have no source of income, anywhere from $20-$80 per week, depending on how drunk he is at the time) which I feel bad about also, but I feel less bad then my sister “helping” me, but I guess it’s good that I could just hide from my father for a bit…. although he may want to swing by on sunday if he thinks I’m sick, which means I could just lay in bed the entire day until he comes there and play the super sick can’t get out of bed card and just make sure I am laying on that bit of my face and covering it up the entire time, or just holding my hand with the blanket over it (I sleep on my stomach so it wouldn’t look suspicious as I do cover half of my face with my blanketed hand when I sleep) or just stay facing away from him the entire time which also wouldn’t look off kilter as I can sleep on my side too, and have been sleeping on my left side currently instead of on my stomach with most of my weight on my right side, because the right side of my torso really hurts currently, it’s a bit better than when I was really sick but I assume I probably hurt it from coughing so much, so yeah I’d been sleeping on my left side which is a bit uncomfortable, but I have mentioned this to my father earlier so it’d look okay, and my left side would be the one that would have me facing away from the door, so I could hide my face that way…. oh yeah but I did forget to mention that my left side is still more comfortable than sleeping on my back, that’s really uncomfortable for me…. and I can only do it with like a pillow to support my head and right or left shoulder (depending on direction that my feet are going and the type of position that they are in) and with a second pillow to hug on either side again depending on feet and leg placement, mostly leg placement for the hugging pillow and more of foot placement for which shoulder needs to be higher than the other…. My normal method of sleeping needs two pillows too, so I guess it isn’t that bad, only time I lay on my back is when listening to videos when falling asleep, and normally I always wake up on my stomach, or when I get fairly tired I stop listening to videos and roll over and then try to fall asleep…. But yeah my normal sleeping position is on my stomach with my head facing to my left, with my right arm under the pillow that my head rests upon (being fully covered by the pillow as I don’t feel safe leaving limbs exposed, and my left arm wraped around the second pillow and reaching up to rest its hand upon the pillow that my head is resting on with the hand holding tightly onto the blanket to stay fully covered, and normally close to my face so that my face feels protected too…. most of the time the blanket is pulled up to the top of my head too, mostly just leaving my face exposed. I’m weird…. although I realize that if I ever have a sleeping partner, depending on how they like to sleep I could potentially replace my second pillow which I kind of hug with them…. maybe, although that may not be comfortable I don’t know, I often pretend that that pillow is another person, or sometimes a dog…. normally the dog feels much better to me mostly because I have actually slept that way quite often with my grandparents dog when I used to live with them…. mostly while on their love seat when I got home from school after taking a shower before dinner (I was normally tired as I excersized a lot back then, like I would wake up at 4am and get to the gym around 4:40am or so and work out (weights, running, and swimming) until around 8am when I would catch the city bus and go to school (which started at 8:30am) and then I would get out of school at 3pm, and then go fight and/or run with my friends (depending on where we would go we’d get there at like 3:30 or 4:00pm (one place we could run to from our school, and the other was in the neighboring city which we did all live in so we’d take the bus as the run/walk would be like 25 miles)) and we normally would stay until about 6:00 or 7:00 (we were close enough to walk home so we could stay out later than the city buses would run…. which they stopped at 6:00) and then my grandfather would pick me up at our meeting spot (because I technically lived in the next city over, about 12 miles away from that spot, and they didn’t like the idea of me walking on the highway or private property, so they would make the 5ish minute drive to pick me up) so I’d normally get “home” at around 7:30 (I had the farthest to walk out of everybody still, as I basically walked up to the highway) and dinner wasn’t normally until about 9:00 so when I got home first thing would normally be taking a shower, which my grandmother sort of forced me to do as normally I would be properly covered in mud and little bits of plants and sometimes a bit of blood…. so normally I had to take shoes and socks off at the door, and at least I was normally in shorts and a tea-shirt at this time (this was before I had actually noticeable scars in those areas and I still could dress like that, like the only bad scars were up on my thighs right below my hips) so I wouldn’t have to like fold up my pants or anything as nothing would drag across the carpet, and normally I would just fill the sink up and toss my shorts and tea-shirt into the sink after filling it with water, then take my shower and then after my shower was done, taking the clothes out of the sink and hanging them up to dry in the shower…. which kept them fairly clean, and they would actually normally be dry by morning…. so then I was normally done with my shower at around 8:00 (yes I take long showers, and I would normally spend a lot of time stretching out my muscles too…. letting them relax a bit) and then normally I would go directly to the couch and fall asleep (which my grandparents were actually okay with, as they seemed to be understanding of the fact that I was tired) until dinner which would be when my father got home from work, and was done showering (not sure what he did with my clothes when he showered LOL, now that I think of it) because my grandmother wouldn’t serve dinner unless everybody was clean, and she insisted on having a family dinner every night, which she would always cook…. That was probably the time of my life where I was most well fed come to think of it -_-  but back to the sleeping on the couch (normally because it was actually frowned upon by them to sleep in my bed before dinner) I would normally lay on my right side (which is comfortable for me, and resting a bit on my stomach once the dog jumped up with me and I put my arm around him) and their dog would normally just jump up instantly and would cuddle up to me and let me rest my arm around him, and he would spend a decent amount of time licking my chin, and it was so very nice and relaxing…. and then we would both apparently fall asleep (I was told that he would sleep too when I was sleeping, I was of course never awake to confirm this as he would only fall asleep after I was asleep…. was also told that he would normally sleep so deeply that he would be snoring, and he would always wake up once I woke up before I was really aware of what happening, probably because I would start moving) but basically what I’m saying is that he really loved it, and I really loved it too…. He didn’t really sleep in bed with me though, instead he slept with my father mostly because my cat slept with me in bed, and actually attacked him the first night her and I were over there (after I moved her in after a week of living there) as soon as he jumped up with me…. basically she was having none of him sleeping with me in bed…. she did the same with their cat too…. Although she had no problem with the couch thing mostly because she didn’t leave my bedroom that much, and when she did she’d go to my grandmothers sowing room and sunbathe. She’s not very social. But yeah in some ways I sort of wish I had a dog, but I would have to wait until my cat dies (which could be 10-16+years realistically) as to not upset her, she doesn’t share well…. And no I’m not looking forward to her dying, I like cuddling with her too when I first get in bed, but she won’t sleep with me while cuddling…. Like she will normally say good night to me when I first get in bed and lay on my back (which she trained me to do) and then she will crawl onto my chest for about 10 minutes and then move to the foot of the bed where she sleeps…. I guess she does cuddle with my legs once I get settled in, as she will rest her head on them. But yeah in case anybody is curious about the rest of my schdule at that time, it isn’t too interesting, as after dinner I would normally go for a run on their treadmill (I was the only person who ever used it) for about 30 minutes (normally until like 10:30 or so) and then take another shower and then do homework and then go to bed…. I actually was really busy now that I think about it, I only really had free time on weekends really…. and I hardly ever cut myself or anything at that time…. Generally only in the showers at my grandparents (not in the showers at the gym, which I would shower at the gym too so I didn’t go to school covered in sweat) and would only ever really just punch myself while in the shower, didn’t really have anything to hit myself that hard with…. also I guess sometimes I would burn myself in the shower too, as their water heater was set to like 150 degrees (Fahrenheit) which would actually hurt (especially on more sensitive skin, like lower back, armpits,face and groin) and would normally leave large red marks on me…. I would avoid running it over my lower legs and arms that much, just to not draw attention…. and normally they wouldn’t notice on my face too much…. So yeah exercise may be something I want to start doing again. Oh yeah on Thursdays I wouldn’t do the evening run as I would normally watch Elementary with my father, as I enjoyed spending the time with him and he loved the show…. Like yes I know it isn’t the best show but I do have fond memories of it and still enjoy watching it…. I was sort of sad when kitty went away though, I loved her name (which really wasn’t her birth name of course) and just the fact that she was a rape victim, I like characters who had been raped…. I don’t know why, but in anything if a character has been or gets raped I instantly like them more…. Plus I liked her hair a lot…. it was nice hair. I would have rather seen Watson go away. But I do agree with most people that Sherlock is so much better…. -_- wow I got really off topic but it was really nice rambling from bad things to some happy memories (I am certain I felt happy at that time) that I really sort of had almost forgotten about all because I started rambling about how I sleep…. Well if you read this I am sort of surprised, there are a lot of words…. But I guess this is mostly just for me honestly…. I feel so much better now ^_^ maybe I will be okay tonight. 😀 yay I kind of want to change the title, but I don’t think I will, mostly because I guess it does sort of show the transition of my mood that occurred threw out this, I always make the title first…. and I generally treat it more like the first statement of whatever I write, and it does tend to be a bit more agressive than everything else I write…. Okay I need to stop…. I hope you all have good days ^_^ sorry about rambling so much lately, I’ve sort of needed to I guess…. :/