I’ve been going through old photos, from over ten years ago. My teenage years. Back when I was still a person. Before I turned myself into an unperson. It hurts so much. Looking at who I used to be, compared to now. Not that I was always happy then. There are already the seeds of anxiety and self-hatred visible. There is a clear link between who I was then and who I’ve become. But I can’t help feeling like it could of gone either way. That if only I’d met the right people, been a bit braver, made a few different choices, I could’ve been saved. I was still salvageable back then. I was still human. I still lived, rather than just existing.
I want so badly to change things. To reach out and stop myself from following the path that I was set on. To push myself just that little bit needed to find happiness. To become who I should’ve been. But obviously that’s wasted emotion.
All I want before the end of my life (whenever that comes) is to find some way to make it all ok. To get back to being a person again. But I don’t know how. I can’t see a path back. I can’t see any way to make what I’ve done ok. To make who I’ve become ok. To live again. I can never let anyone else see who I really am. Can never be real. Can’t ever interact with others without fear of discovery and rejection. I have no hope. And it hurts so much. And I’ve spent so long numbing that pain.
31 comments
My old photos are mostly lies.
I never really acquired the ability to convincingly fake an emotion. So in the photos where I look happy, in that moment I actually was happy. And in the many where I look anxious, angry, miserable – it’s so different to now. It’s the difference between a passing mood and a permanent state. Back then, I actually had good days. Even at my most miserable, I had hope that I would find a way out.
I just keep walking forward. Nothing can remain the same if I am in motion.
For me, I don’t know what forward would be anymore. I walk in circles, round a maze with no exit, where everything remains the same no matter how much I walk.
I hear ya. As good a future I can imagine, I always come back to who cares, why, what’s the point. Things don’t get better or worse. I’d rather kill myself now than wait til I get locked up and don’t even have THAT option.
Are you anticipating being locked up soon? Because otherwise wouldn’t you have a chance between charges being bought and sentence being passed to do it, if you still wanted to?
The old you is not what you can compare yourself to now. You can’t revert back to that innocent person after you have gone through things that have made you this way today. It is impossible to be who you were because of what you have gone through.
But that doesn’t mean that all hope for you is gone. You set your own path, you don’t have to follow this one ridden in darkness and pain. The fates didn’t decide that you were to be one of the lost miserable people that dies with a weight of their past on their shoulders. Create a new path (future) by changing something. Not to sound as if I am preaching to a child but I wouldn’t always care what others think. You might be surprised at how many other people are broken, guilty, or lost that still look as though they are completely fine. Not everyone judges as harshly as you believe. And even if some do, so what? Whenever you go, by your own decision or by a natural one years from now it doesn’t matter what everyone else will be thinking of you. You have to have peace within yourself.
I believe that a lot of people fear death so much because they have not faced themselves, flaws, doubts, or even dreams. And after all of our lives chasing love and happiness, in the moment of death we only have ourselves, our thoughts, our mistakes, and our memories. Give yourself some credit and look to who you want to be instead of who you were. That person is gone. Doesn’t mean the person you are now can’t become someone else.
It’s not so much people judging ‘harshly’. It’s that even if they’re understanding, some things you just can’t come back from. Some things are truly unforgivable. Some people can’t be part of society. People should reject me. That’s what gets me, more than what other people think. I wouldn’t want people I like to accept me. If they weren’t repelled by me, there would be something wrong.
It’s not about appearances. I’m sure to most people I seem totally fine. I could go through the motions of life and seem completely normal. But I want someone to actually know me, rather than the appearance I project. And I can’t see how that can happen without rejection.
I try to find peace in my mind. But it’s so hard to maintain. All I really want involves other people.
Well then take a chance. I know it would be a big risk because the rejection is something you are anticipating but wouldn’t you rather be yourself. That has to take an amazingly large toll on you and if you are already expecting everyone you open up to reject you, what do you have to lose? How can you get what you want that involves people and all of this human interaction is you are presenting yourself as whole? Not to accuse you of just being a liar, because it really is a defense I understand, but how are you satisfied with any connections you have with people now if they aren’t true?
Any kind of love that you are looking for will not form a true relationship unless they know the whole you. Maybe someone will not reject you, maybe someone will try to help you and will love you for who you are. You never know.
I am most certainly a liar. I am a terrible person. I probably should include that in a disclaimer at the top of all my posts.
I’m not in any way satisfied with the relationships I have now. That’s the point. The ‘friendships’ I’ve had as an adult have all been based on deception, and it’s just as bad as being alone. You get to see what it would be like if you were a different person, but there’s always this barrier separating you. You know that if they knew the truth, they would despise you.
What I am, and the things I’ve done, carry a deserved stigma. That is the risk. I may be miserable right now, but at least I can pretend to be a decent, upstanding member of society.
I want so badly to believe that there’s someone out there who wouldn’t reject the real me. But it wouldn’t make any sense, unless their morality was twisted. Who I am should be rejected.
I don’t know what it is that you have done that makes you feel like you are this awful unworthy person. But it actually makes me feel bad for you, don’t mistake this for pity. It is honestly just like a part of me hurts to think that someone feels that way.
I truly don’t care what you have done, none of that matters. Mistakes are part of the past, they can be resolved, you can do things that make up for them. Change who you are. But you really have to personally accept them. You can’t think that you are not worth as much because of this.
The facade you have going now is good for you to see how people include you in society. Yet how does that help you, how is that worth ignoring the opportunity to help yourself? It is only you against the world because that is how you see it. Change your perception of your situation. It might help you.
I deserve to feel this way. It’s just hard to accept.
I don’t know how to resolve or make up for the things I’ve done. There’s no one to apologize to. Some things there’s no way to make them right.
But beyond that, I don’t know how to change that part of me. It’s so powerful. It’s been a few years since I was at my worst, but I know that part of me could just kick in at any moment, given the right circumstances. I can feel it still there, under the surface. If I enough things go wrong, all bets are off, no matter how many times I resolve to never be that person again.
It’s a survival thing. As long as I can keep pretending that I’m decent and acceptable, I can keep scraping by. I can get jobs. I can walk down the street without being targeted. I don’t feel like it would be sensible to put that at risk when I see no hope of acceptance. But maybe it’s not a life worth living.
“I deserve to feel this way.” I’m calling BS on that… as kindly as possible.
“I don’t know how to resolve or make up for the things I’ve done. … Some things there’s no way to make them right. …I don’t know how to change that part of me.” It’s called a 12 Step program (choose your own flavor). I’ve seen all sorts of people, including my father, including me, make amends and change. Some of these people KILLED other people with cars, yet they are decent people.
I honestly think that the vast majority of people would say I deserved to feel as I do (or worse.) If anybody does deserve it, I think I’m one of them. All I’m trying to get at is that I’m not a victim. My pain is my fault. It comes from who I am, because of things I’ve done.
Maybe I should join a 12 step program. I approached one a few years back the last time I really tried to face this, but I never met the guy I contacted. It’s tricky though. I live in a very rural area and have limited transport options. Plus there’s the crippling social anxiety. I’m not sure I could ever be honest in a group. And I’m not sure I really want to change enough, over a consistent period of time. Plus like I said, for me there’s no way to really make amends to those I’ve most wronged (it’s complicated.)
But maybe it’s a possible way forward.
@SeeSmith: also just wanted to add that it’s good to see you still around. The help you offer to those on this site is commendable.
There is a pretty cool person who really needs your help. They’ve had some bad breaks and other problems, but is a fairly decent sort and deserves to have a better life. Even though you are down any help you can give them would be really appreciated. If you try to help them and fail, it’s OK! They understand! Just knowing you tried would mean alot to them.
Unfortunately, you will never be able to meet this person, because they are TomorrowYou(TM).
I really struggle to believe that that person can exist. I try so hard to envision it, but I can’t see any way I’ll ever be more than a worthless piece of shit. The me that cures cancer, solves world hunger and prevents climate change is still a total douchebag, hiding his douchiness through superficial actions.
I just can’t see a way to being someone who can look himself in the eye in the mirror.
You are completely normal. I’ve seen some douches on this site and you ain’t one of them.
I wish that were true. This is just not one of the places where my douchiness is expressed. It’s a fairly specific, but highly toxic form that doesn’t extend to trolling etc.
Even mother Theresa doubted herself in the end.
Husk, I’m really confused by you saying that you aren’t a real person. What about you makes you say that?
It’s hard to explain. I used to approach the world somewhat honestly. There were times when I could just ‘be myself’ around other people. I was always a self-conscious kid, but there were moments when I was able to just be me. I had character. I was a person, in a social context. I was part of a social grouping, however much I hated it at times. I was a person.
Then, I did a lot of shitty things. And I turned myself into an unperson. Someone who shouldn’t be allowed around others. Who can’t risk letting slip his real feelings, because that leads to questions. ‘Why are you so upset? What have you done to feel so badly about?’ Who can’t ever really be honest with anyone, or connect with anyone, because the truth is too awful. Who exists on the edges of life. An unperson.
I don’t think there is a 1:1 ratio between my moral compass and my ability to accept people for what they truly are. You actions and beliefs don’t change my world view. My ability to take some ones hand and quietly walk forward with them is not ruined by their past or present actions or beliefs. Compassion and understanding are hard to offer if I am going to be judge and jury. What is the point of caring for people if I an going to judge their wtongs?
That’s a very admirable attitude Hazy. I’m not sure it’s that widely shared among the general public. I think most people reach a point where they’d disown even those they love for certain actions and beliefs, and I wouldn’t say they’re wrong to do so.
To push it to the extreme; does that mean you’d be friends with Hitler?
Not saying I’m as bad as Hitler, but at what point would a person’s actions and beliefs lead you to say ‘sorry buddy, you’re on your own’?
Suppose he was still actively planning genocide?
Also, I’m not sure ‘compassionately caring’ for someone because it’s right is the same as actual friendship. Are there not people who you’d find so odious because of their beliefs and actions that you’d want to keep a barrier between them and you?
It absolutely is not shared among the general public. Not sure what my limit is. I have yet to find it. I seem to be able to find decent enough qualities in just about everyone I meet. A trait that tends to lead me into ruin.
As for Hitler, I hear he was a decent enough painter, we’d find common ground there.
@Hazy: as admirable as it is to not be judgmental, you have to be careful… would you date or closely befriend a man who had been accused of being a sex offender, knowing it might put your kids in danger?
Probably not, right?
There’s nothing wrong with upholding certain lines that people’s behavior should NEVER cross.
I have no idea what thehusk has done which he considers so wrong, but I think that if you have that self-awareness andi resolve not to do it again, it would make you a better person than you seem to think of yourself.
I’m sorry your compassionate attitude has come at a cost. I suppose that’s why most are much more judgmental. Some people are best kept at a distance, for general well-being. Still, I’m sure you’ve bought comfort to many.
Hitler also loved his pets. And writing. So as long as you steered clear of ideas about life, religion, & politics, I guess it’d be fine.
@neph: I would never put my children in danger.
@thehusk: see, he likes his pets, and writing. I bet he would also be awesome to go to Toast Masters with. Everyone has something.
I have the ability to simply accept people for who and what they are. Who am I to judge someone? Who am I to turn away from people in need? But for the grace of God I might be standing in their shoes.
Sometimes though you can repeatedly forgive someone for bad behavior, and yet they continue to basically stab you in the chest, over and over. At that point you kind of have to recognize that you’re better off without them and that it’s not your fault they act that way. (You can tell them you’re sorry for what *was* your fault, but when they don’t apologize in return and walk all over you instead, it gets old.)
I think that people have to be aware of harmful words and actions and how it might isolate them and push away anyone who might care. They make that choice on their own, and it’s up to them to learn from their mistakes.
I agree with neph. Your remorse alone is an indication of some sort of change of heart. Whoever you were when you did those awful things, you aren’t that same person anymore. That person didn’t feel this remorse.
I’m afraid I am still that same person. The same thoughts and feelings that drove me then still drive me now. All that’s changed is the circumstances. It became that bit more difficult to do it. So I found other outlets for that part of me.
But the part of me that wanted to do it is still very much there. And I could cave at any point. I can feel it. All it would take is the right combination of circumstances.
I felt this remorse even while I was still doing it. And when I first stopped, for a while, it became overwhelming. And I told myself that I would never do it again. And then I did. A lot. The remorse didn’t stop me. There’s a switch in me that flips at a certain point, and I just don’t care anymore. I can feel awful, and full of regret one minute. And the next I just don’t care. It overwhelms me, so I block it all out.