Taken straight from my tumblr because I’m too lazy to repeat it. And it’s all here anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It’s taken almost 40 years and falling in love with the one I truly want and could marry every day of my life over and over again, and knowing that I can’t have him and will go to my grave never having the love that I’ve dreamed of since I was 5 to finally push me to this. It’s something I should’ve done when I was still a child, but I didn’t understand back then. All my life, I’ve ignored the outside world and stuck to my guns about just doing my own thing. I wish I would’ve known that the hate would never end. As an adult, it just turns into rejection, loneliness and unemployment. No one will ever love a fat girl, and no one will hire one either. Being trans (ftm) doesn’t change anything. I’m not even sure how I identify anymore. I’m stuck in some place in between totally not wanting to be called female but still knowing that shit never changes and just not really giving much of a shit for the whole thing anymore. The fact remains, if you’re born female, with female parts, the one and only thing that will ever matter in your life is the number on the scale. You will always be judged for it. Whether or not you can get a regular, permanent full time job will be based on your waistline just as much as it stands for whether or not you can ever have a man in your life to be by your side. Cis men, gay, straight, or bi, look at one thing and one thing only: your weight/size. So if you identify as female, transmale, agender, bigender, no gender, genderqueer, whatever – if you have a vagina, your entire life is determined and based upon your weight and size. People tried to beat this into my head my whole life and I never listened. But it’s only through this extreme amount of suffering and heartache, being broken so deeply, at the deepest levels and core of my soul, with the knowledge that I’ll never get to be happy in life, even if I succeed at losing weight, I’m just so broken to keep going on this way. I’m so sick of being so far less than everybody else. I’m sick of not mattering. I’m just sick to death of it all. If someone that I love, adore, worship, and give my all to, and would forever give everything of myself to, take care of and love for a million lifetimes over can consistently reject me and not think of any scenario at all where that much love and devotion would account for something and be worth it for him to have in his life, then I just see no other way forward but to change myself once and for all. I’m sick of being so unworthy and underserving of love that nothing about me amounts to anything. I fundamentally feel like the lowest shit on earth and I’m sick of being treated like the lowest shit on earth by everyone I pass by on the streets and in job interviews. I’m so sick of being worth less than every other person on earth. I’m so sick of being nothing. I can’t take it anymore. I just can’t go on being the lowest piece of shit in the world and being so completely undeserving of love. I don’t expect to ever matter to anyone or ever be someone that could be loved. All I’d be doing this for is so that people don’t hate me and treat me like shit every day, so that I’m not a fucking hideous monster that gets the nasty looks and stares and comments that I do, so that I can get a fucking full time job, and so that I’ll be on a level playing field as everybody else and be seen as human and given the basic decency of being left alone. There was a time a state agency back home sent me to a doctor-guided fitness center for physical therapy for my back after I had the injury, but their intent was just for me to lose weight because you know, thin people don’t have back pain… Anyway, 4-5 months went by of going there 5 days a week and being made to run on the treadmill and elliptical for 5 hours a day while being on a restrictive 500 calorie diet and I didn’t lose any weight at all, so they cut the funding and closed my case. So for what ever reason, my body doesn’t lose weight, and it’s going to take far more extreme measures. So I’m just not going to eat. I’ve done my research on this and only have the cases of two cis males to go by – who of course can lose weight far easier than those of us assigned female at birth. We have about 10 other hormones that cis men don’t that are meant to keep the fat on. But I know what they did to safeguard their health through their starvation. And they had more weight to lose, over 300 lbs, and they did it. My initial goal is to get to 200 and see what things look like from there. The place I went to for pt said my lean weight would be 180-200 because I’m built like a tank. I’m hungry, I’m broken, I’m deeply depressed that I’ll never get to be married and have the life I’ve always wanted… That is all I ever wanted since I was about 5 years old. I didn’t want kids, just a husband, just the love of my life to love and adore and worship for all my days. And I’m going to spend my entire life alone. Even if I lived to be 100, I’ll always be alone. No one could ever fucking understand how much that hurts me and how much that takes out of my life force and energy that I have for daily life. No one here understands what love really is. Chicago has this sickening hook up, fuck everyone like wild animals culture where they can all fall in love and be over it and in love again as fast as you can flip through tinder and you’d be hard pressed to find a married couple that’s even exclusive. No wonder AIDS prevention and that pre-prevention pill is such a big topic here – no one can keep it in their pants and everyone thinks love can come and go with the wind. Well I’M not like that. I can only have one love in my heart. There’s no room for anyone else. Love to me is one on one and loving one person that you choose to stick with forever because they are the one you choose over all else in the world. That’s the kind of love I believe in, and living in this city won’t change a fundamental value that is a strong core value that is a defining value in who I am. But, as I said, things have to change. I’m sick of being so worthless. So far I’m around 109 calories for the day. So I guess I’ll be here a lot more often. Keeping a public record of it will keep me accountable. And fuck what anyone thinks. I’m doing this for myself and because i hate everyone that has given me shit and would give me shit for how I look. I’m doing this because I’m sick to death, fed up, and have had enough of being so fucking useless, worthless, unwanted, ugly, and undeserving. I’m sick of being less than everyone else. I’m sick of not being human. I’m sick of not being good enough. I’m sick of not being equal to others. I’m sick of not counting for shit. I just hope it fucking works and I get thin. I don’t even care about being muscular anymore. I used to like being strong but it’s just something else that makes me a freak that no one can love. They did tell me that if I got to my lean weight, I could lose muscle tone by being smaller, and maybe weigh as little as 170, but I shouldn’t expect to be any smaller because of my frame and strength. And I’d still be a freak and a monster that no one could love even if I reached 180 or 170, because I’m only 5?5? and what people want in a 5?5? person is someone that weighs about 60 or 70 lbs. But I wasn’t born to be that small, so I’m unlovable and undeserving of love even then. The only thing I could hope for is to blend the fuck in and be considered for a full time job if I was closer to a normal human size. I just wonder why I was given this life where I’ll always be too ugly to love?!?!?! But I fucking hope this shit works. I’m going to be chanting for rapid and successful weight loss through my starvation. And don’t try to talk me out of it either. I’ve already seen what every diet including 500 cal does which is not jack shit. But I’m sick of this shit. I can’t spend the rest of my life being a hideous monster.
7 comments
Ah, a fellow Chicagoan. I got my lazy self out of bed so I could type you a response at my actual keyboard.
I’m pretty sure there are lots of heavy people out there in love, married, working jobs, etc. Before you think I’m giving you a sarcastic attitude, I’ve gotten overweight myself the past few years and I generally have that same feeling of being unworthy of love; that my weight would be a negative at a job interview, etc, and the sentence that began this paragraph is usually being said TO me rather than by me, that there are plenty of heavy people in love and living normal lives and I need to stop acting like I’m a troll who needs to go live under a bridge. There’s no denying that there are difficulties that come with not being skinny and perfect. It would be an exaggeration to say weight doesn’t matter, but it’s also an exaggeration to act totally unworthy of love or employment because of weight. So I’m simultaneously agreeing and disagreeing with you. I know it sucks. But we know how common obesity and overweight is becoming. Life goes on and large majority of people continue to have relationships and go to work despite not being their physical ideal. You could go outside or go to the store right now and you know you aren’t going to be surrounded by fit super models. Not if you live in the same Chicago as I do, haha.
You’re taking this unrequited love issue so personally, making it sound like it’s an issue of logic instead of emotion when you say “how could all this love and devotion not be something he would want in his life”. You either feel something for someone or you don’t, much like he didn’t have to do anything specific aside from existing for you to feel the way you feel about him. He’d be taking advantage of you if he simply recognized how much you’d be willing to give him and decided to accept it, knowing he might not feel the same. Of course rejection always feels personal, but in a strange way it isn’t. 5 people could profess to have feelings for you and you know damn well that not every single one of them would appeal to you, and some would stand out more than others. Would you want the people you feel less interested in to take it personally? Are you proclaiming them unworthy, disgusting, pathetic, or simply not feeling attracted to them for whatever reason? You’d probably feel extremely bad if one of them started to get tears in their eyes and took it so personally just because you weren’t feeling drawn to them. You’d try to convey to them that it’s nothing personal and they didn’t do anything wrong, just that you can’t control how you feel. It’s almost a shame that human “love” requires that magical feeling to be there instead of just being a logical decision where we could choose the most compatible partner with the best qualities. This is why human love is a mess for everybody, because nobody knows who the hell they should really be with. So of course your affection not being returned is going to hurt, but it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. So often when we feel something for someone, we have an exaggerated, unrealistic version of them in our minds, which only grows increasingly mythical as we can’t have that person. Again, if you think I’m speaking out of turn, this is something I’ve struggled with my whole life, always falling for people hard and being devastated when it doesn’t work out. I’ve stayed single for a while now, but as I see the status of relationships around me, my sibling getting married and not exactly being happy, one of my closest friends getting separated a few years into their marriage, people breaking up left and right, the idea of romance among flawed humans has really started to reveal itself as the pathetic joke that it is now that I’ve taken enough of a step back from it to notice. But, as you said, it’s basically his loss. Only you know how much you would have loved and cared for him. Save it for someone better.
In terms of the weight issue, I know people take their beliefs and methods seriously, so I’m just throwing in my two cents. I’ve read all the popular books over the years, spent the money on blenders and juicers and exercise equipment, tried all the diets, etc. Believe it or not, “starving” isn’t too far off the mark from what I believe to be the solution. But these days it’s just growing in popularity under the idea of “intermittent fasting”. The common sense idea that overweight people can obviously afford to go without food for a while. It goes against all the “eat 6 small meals” and “if you eat too little you go into starvation mode” BS of the past few years. Except it really is bad for your metabolism to go too far into starvation. It’s been in the news lately about how Biggest Loser contestants who restrict their calories like crazy and did the insane workouts for the shows are all fat and unhealthy once the contest is over.
In addition to fasting it seems like the “low carb” idea is always gaining more ground and the idea that fat is unhealthy is being disproven. Trying to do a low calorie diet on cereals and oatmeal and whole grains and other things that are claimed to be healthy usually ends up with feeling miserable because those things keep your blood sugar rising and falling.
Vinnie Tortorich says it more simply than anyone else, “NSNG”. No sugar, no grains. These things stimulate appetite and make it really hard not to eat. Whereas things that seem to go against popular belief, meat, eggs, butter, fill you up and make it easier to then fast for a few hours.
I’ll just drop a few names and books and if it’s stuff you haven’t heard of before, maybe look into it.
Dr. William Davis & his “Wheat Belly” work.
Dr. Perlmutter & his “Grain Brain” books.
Jason Fung, his “obesity code” book and many of his lectures on YouTube about fasting
Robert Lustig, search for “Sugar, the bitter truth” on Youtube
Gary Taubes, “Good Calories, Bad Calories” and “Why We Get Fat”
Also look up “Butter Bob Briggs” on YouTube.
Point being, even if you limit yourself to 500 calories a day, you’ll want to be eating the right things that don’t promote fat storage and appetite.
Of course these things are all debated into eternity, and there are people out there who believe the exact opposite, eat often, eat lots of carbs, eat lots of fruit, don’t eat meat, etc. In all the years I’ve spent researching for my own health, I’m just sharing with you the names of the people who I think have the correct information.
Try to love yourself. I know it’s hard. I haven’t had a friend or a relationship in 5 years. I’m unemployed and alone every day. Which is why I was free to climb out of bed and write all of this on a Thursday afternoon.
Wrote you a long reply but of course it’s “awaiting moderation”. Hopefully it goes through eventually.
But still, I can only love one. If the roles were reversed, and I wasn’t that into big guys like I am, I’d take the love and devotion. But true I’m not attracted to women so I can’t be with any of the women that hit me up, because I don’t swing that way. I’m not bi or pan, unfortunately. But my problem is more that he does put looks first, he’s looking for a body size first before and above anything else, which of course I take personally because I’ve spent my whole life being rejected because I wasn’t made to be the 60-80 lb type of tiny person that all men want, and every man I’ve ever looked twice at has made me feel like shit for not being that. And he’s just special to me. Of everyone I’ve ever met and ever known, he’s the one I could’nt live without if he were gone or we got separated by a large distance, etc. And btw, I’m originally from WV. I’ve been in Chicago the last 2, almost 2 1/2 years. I’m more than just fat. I’m 5’5″ and the last time I was at my doc, I hit 379. There’s no scale where I’m staying right now, so it’s been a few months and I don’t know what I weigh right now. With the way my life is, it’s always more, more and more no matter what the f**k I do. 🙁
Hi Disgusting,
I am sorry you are in this state. I have been following your story since I started posting here last October.
the thing to remember about fasting (which is what you are doing) is to drink enough water. You don’t want to dehydrate, that will land you in the hospital. I used to love to fast. I can’t any longer, but there is something satisfying about being able to have that amount of control over my life and body if that makes any sense.
Be sure to take supplimental vitamins as well, as you will need that to keep you going. i”m no pro at fasting and many people find it very controlversial. I don’t though. I would fast for a week and get this sense of clearness about my life, a starvation high of a kind. Stay safe, keep updating us.
I wish I could give you a magic pill to stop you from loving that horses ass, but since I love a horses ass as well, I really can’t say much.
I wish there was a magic pill to make him love me or at least think “hey, this is great, a lifetime of love and sex and everything I want being given to me” and take me and just be with me because I adore him 🙁
Well, glad your still in the land of the living dude was, wondering if you were still around these days.
yeah, just been very busy, and things have been chaotic