It’s been a long time. A lot has happened. I started having pain in Jan-Feb this year and found out I’ve got arthritis on the level of an 80-90 year old and I need my knees replaced within this year. Of course I can’t get that because I’m on state care. It’s rapidly degenerating and I face being in a wheelchair unable to do anything for myself. The nerve damage has gotten worse and I can’t feel anything but PAIN in my hands and feet and it makes it hard to wipe my ass just because it’s so painful to hold on to the toilet paper. I’m treated like shit and used for every dime I earn and every minute of slave labor I can provide and I’m sick of it. My feelings don’t matter at all and I’m just someone to be used and shit on. So I’m leaving. I’m leaving the apartment and job I have and worked so hard to get. I have no chance of ever working anywhere else being fat, disabled and trans. I hesitated for so long because I doubt my ability to physically get to where I’m going and not be seen, caught, questioned, or whatever. I’ve feared people putting out an APB on me to have me taken into custody. But I have a right to leave abusive assholes in the dust and that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. I’ll only have my next paycheck to go on. I’m hoping to get at least 1 night in a cheap motel to rest. I’m very nervous. I’m fine with not turning 40. This is all fucking shit!
I’ve been pretty close to killing myself more than a few times lately. I set a hard date of Nov 1st, but what usually happens is I get too emotionally and physically exhausted to carry anything out. (I have fibromyalgia, am always in pain, and with the misery I can feel emotionally, really am not able to do shit.) Then when the super moon happened, I felt energized by it and wanted to die under the intense energy of the powerful moon and for real could not find a rope rated strong enough to hold my fat ass to hang myself.
I have everything in the world against me. Poverty. Not being able to afford to rent a room much less my own place. My credit is beyond destroyed since having about 7 starter (to build credit) credit cards stolen in early Jan 2014 and being poor and homeless and unable to do shit about the identity theft that went along with that. The card companies refused to shut them off too, so they let all this shit happen to me. Just calling in to tell them your card was lost or stolen should be enough for them to shut the card off, but they all refused, stating they needed a police report, my actual real driver’s license and my actual real birth certificate sent to them to accept that it was true that my cards were stolen. Being homeless, broke and 1300 miles out of state, that was fucking impossible. So they let that shit happen to me. And now I’ve gotten a couple of weird voicemails from a “debt collector” but when I googled it, it’s this insane law firm that has tons of complaints about them for having people put in prison (long term!) for small debts of $500-700 and they work on behalf of one of the credit card companies I had a starter card from.
…Plus taxes. I haven’t been able to pay the $200 to the state or the remaining $700 federal tax (of $1200 originally) for working part time in 2015 because HOW DARE some poor piece of shit like me take ANY job and earn $15,000 so my PUNISHMENT for trying is a combined $1400 tax bill when shit, they took $30-60 in social security alone out of every check to again PUNISH me for being so unemployable and not being able to get a job earlier. So I’ve got that shit over my head to worry about, and student loans on top of that that I can’t pay on.
So what led to me being on the very edge of hanging myself in desperation is that I lost my first 10 hour a week job in October, because the business is failing. Then I found out my 2nd 10 hour a week job is ending Christmas Eve and closing down, putting me out of that job as well.
So add it all up and you’ve got an obese, disabled, transgender person deep in debt with problems of identity theft being left homeless, unemployed and penniless in Trump’s new Nazi America where somehow we’ve already lost the right to be employed all together (us lgbtq+ identified people)…. and then like always, the extreme misery and unimaginable pain I end up feeling, being deeply in love with someone who can’t see any value in being with me… Yeah might as well fucking kill myself.
But like always, I do dumb shit all the time. I’m physically weak and lack the energy to go to every store in a major city looking for what I need, and doubt I’d have the physical speed and agility to jump in front of a speeding train at the right moment… But as I do dumb shit (like continuing to live), I somehow last minute got myself a new part time job for 25 hours a week at ONE place (how novel! no more working 2 jobs to add up to the hours of one part time job!!) and I go in later this week to sign the papers and get informed of the details like when my shift will be and such.
And as much as I want this job, and as valuable as I think the opportunity will be given the nature of the work (ohh I’m going to learn some high level professional stuff that will be worth GOLD on my resume!!)…. and these people believe in me?? Again, it’s another new business. They’ve been around for 10 years which is better than 5 years and 2 years that my other jobs have been around. But now I’m nervous and wonder if I can even succeed in the real world?!? Sure, I know computers, I guess that’s what impressed them. But I’m so ADD anymore, scatterbrained, and still have the threat of homelessness hanging over me because we’ve only got until Feb, maybe Mar where we’re at now (me and my best friend aka the guy I love who will never be mine), and finding a place to rent a room is SO hard for the both of us. Don’t ask why, but it goes beyond just being poor people who can’t pay $600 combined let alone the $1000 per room most everyone asks for. And even if this new job works out great for me I can still expect my income to be $15,000 gross for a year so I still won’t make $1000 per month to rent a room off anyone. So I really don’t know what the fuck we’re gonna do come Feb/Mar.
You’re my one person to talk to and now I can’t send you email.
It’s all shaping up to where I might have a shot. At first I was thinking of holding off another week so I can get rent paid and out of the way in case I fail and end up in hospital. But I may be alone for the next few nights, giving me the chance to go and off myself with any contact coming too late. But I feel so alone. I obviously don’t matter. And endless stream of pity party woe is me no one wants me shit on his facebook when he’s had all the love and loyalty he claims to want so badly for the past fucking 2 years. I’m just too hideous to even look at. And fuck this not allowed to eat anything bullshit if we’re not together then why the fuck am I not allowed to eat?? And keeping me up all god damn night when I have to work. I’m obviously not shit. It’s coming soon.
I’m writing my suicide letter, little by little. It’s not really a letter, but a bulleted list of all the things that are ultimately ending it for me.
I really like the date I’ve picked as a day to end it. I’m sick of being treated like shit. More specifically, it’s like my feelings don’t matter or I’m expected to not have feelings at all. I can’t get a job, and I’m too ugly for this world. Doesn’t even deserve my explanation. Anyway, I’ve hesitated for so long because I need 100% certainty and being obese, I know that we’re nearly immortal and the only thing that can really kill a big fat 360 lb sack of shit like me is a gunshot to the head or decapitation, of which I’m too poor to have the means to do. A 260 lb man can survive getting hit by a train with only a few broken bones and I’m a lot more padded from injury than that. Jumping off the Sears fucking Tower wouldn’t kill me. I’m too poor to get a bus ticket to the famous jumping location I had dreamed of. So I found a closer place that looks secluded enough to do something. Hanging would be my first option at the location and there are train tracks near by if I fail at the first. I also worry if I couldn’t be hanged because of the muscle I’ve built up in my neck. I can’t feel my own pulse in my neck because I just feel the massive muscles I’ve got. I’m not worried about 1-5 minutes of discomfort, just success. There’s zero room for failure. I’m so fucking fed up with everything, and if he keeps pushing it I won’t be able to hold out until my date. But it’s coming up soon. I’m not afraid of anything but not succeeding. I’ve got more balls than anyone has ever fucking given me credit for in my life. Only the need for certainty has held me back but I’m only human and I can’t be constantly shit on left and right, day in and day out. I’M OUT!!
I should just get it over with. For so long I’ve hesitated because it has to be a complete success, and I’ve always read so much about it being next to impossible for a fat person to kill themselves… including a 240 lb man surviving jumping in front of a train because of the extra padding that saved him, so my worthless, fat 360 lb waste of life has no chance. I’m also pretty much immortal, perfect blood pressure, perfect blood sugar, perfect cholesterol levels, the whole 9 yards – it’s perfect. Also never rich enough to afford a gun, can’t get either a gun or a car, can’t get a bus ticket out of state, left with no options and immediate need. I shouldn’t even come home after work. So sick of being shown over and over how much I am nothing, don’t count, and could never measure up to all the things a woman is supposed to be.
Does anyone obese ever succeed in killing themselves??? There’s no information what so ever on this!
Spent my last $20 of the next to the last paycheck I’ll ever see in my life on food for him and then he got super pissed off at me because we got caught in the rain and got drenched, then I got on the bus while he was in the middle of playing his game but my back was killing me and there were homeless people camped out at the bus stop and wouldn’t let me sit down and I have a disability with my back and I can’t just stand all day because everyone else has a reason why they deserve the seat more. But he’s never been that pissed off at me for all things I feel were both out of my control and not an issue because shit happens and life doesn’t always go as planned but that’s always my fault because I did something wrong to make it all happen. So he’s better off without me and all I do is hold him back. I’m hoping against hope I get my stuff sold this weekend because I’m taking off and I’m going to end up dead come hell or high water. I feel like it’s so much harder to kill yourself without a car due to inaccessibility of places far off where you won’t be found. Also being too poor for a gun means I can’t just get a motel room and blow my brains out like I’d prefer. Quick and easy. I’ve actually decided drowning might be best because it would be too difficult to get, haul, and build something to decapitate myself with. Being obese as I am, most suicide methods won’t work, it has to be as extreme as complete decapitation, blowing your brains out, or drowning. Those are the only possibilities for an obese person. Just finding a location is extremely difficult without a car. I lost my job, by the way, because the business went under.
I really give up. I’ve tried so hard. The last few days have been absolute shit and everything has gotten worse. My hours were cut yet again in my first job back to 10 hours a week. The same day both bosses bitched me out over every fucking thing some of which is them not knowing enough about something they should. First thing was a service we use for scheduling posts to multiple client’s accounts. Well when you add an account, the new account becomes the default to post to. So he bitches me out for posts for one client being scheduled on the new client’s account that didn’t exist on my end when I was doing the scheduling which means he was on there too adding the account and didn’t remove it as a default. Not my fault when I don’t know what you’re doing on the other fucking end and since I’m never notified or given work for any new clients… Second thing was my other boss (besides being pissed over a lot of other fucking bullshit) about had me delete/abandon my salesforce account saying “I’m the boss do what I say and do it now! Log out and make a new account!” and then I’d have lost 3 weeks of progress and work in reading through all the training shit. Well she’s pissed that (what she doesn’t know) is that to complete a lot of the trainings you need a developer account which when I went to do that, said to create a new login and it can’t be your salesforce email address so make something up. So I did that, got it connected, and completed more of the challenges. But SHE wants the log in to the developer site to be THE SAME as my email address which is the login to salesforce. (After it told me it CAN’T be the same.) So fucking take it up with salesforce and not me!!!! But she tells me to email support and tell them to change it so that everything is THE SAME. What the fuck ever. Change the whole god damn system for you, right???
But what I’m really done with is even trying. My friend that I’ve loved and given my all to… He keeps complaining and posting all this shit about how no girl ever wants a nice guy and good guys can’t get any girls and he’ll always be single after he admits he’s rejected quite a few other women for not being his type and anyone that’s a size 4 or bigger doesn’t have a prayer in hell to get with him and he can never admit that he’s totally superficial. And now it really hurts because it’s like he doesn’t want to be seen with me anymore and we’ve hung out so much for so long and he never had a problem with it until the other day when we ran into some loudmouths while playing pokemon and he got all stupid to impress these guys. And the first guy we met was like 3 of me put together, he was a big muthafucka and looks kind of like the guy in the meme I’m going to post, if you picture that guy about 10+ years older, unshaven, and about 200 lbs heavier. And when it was just him and this 8XL size shirt guy talking, he starts to go on about how he needs a tiny petite girl to make himself feel like he’s worth something and feel like a good man and the big fat 8XL guy is ageeing with it and saying yeah yeah same here bro I feel ya. Like are you kidding me?!? Hah! Now, the guy I like IS gorgeous beyond belief, but being 260 he still thinks he’s too fat to get a girl under 100 lbs that he wants and that it’s all the girls’ faults for being too superficial to date a fat guy. But the 8XL guy was just ugh! Looked a little dirty, seemed to have a bad attitude (know it all, typical for a gamer sorry but yeah playing pokemon is really my first exposure to participating in a video game) and when it came up in conversation that he said “well I’m unemployed” and “yeah I live with my mom and she’s on disability” I was thinking Geez what a shocker there! So fuck this shit! 8XL guy thinks 80 lb anorexic is going to want him!?!? At least with the guy I like, at least I think he is gorgeous enough to get any woman on earth. But 8XL guy?? Come the fuck on!!!
I’m really fucking sick of the shit and I’ve been through it my whole life! I’ve always liked big guys and have always seen them all always say they have to have someone super skinny, super tiny, extra small, petite, whatever word they use to describe it. With as much as I’m trying to help my friend out, I feel like he’d be happier without me and being homeless in the ghetto shit hole place he’s wanting to run away to and he’d forget all about me because I don’t fucking matter for shit. I’m so fucking tired of struggling, I can’t get a real job at the fuck all, and I’m sick of crying all the time because of how much he hurts me!! I’m not living the rest of my life being ugly and worthless to everyone! Of course now I’m not making the money I need to fucking kill myself, I need a good $500+ at the very least and probably more than that. Maybe I’ll be able to panhandle it or rob someone last minute and get away. I don’t know. But I’m fucking done and I’m just going to run away first and leave everybody in the fucking dark because FUCK THEM ALL!!!!!!!
And stressed. Time is running out, we don’t have a real plan, and my hours have been cut back down to 10 so I don’t have money to eat anything let alone save a penny. I had been trying to sell a collection of things I have that by any normal means, anyone else could sell for at least $1000 total out of everything. But because it’s *me* and the entire community believes horrible lies about me, plenty of people have piped up to “warn” people of me and the (false) accusations against me to keep people from buying so that I have no fucking chance of selling the only god damn things I have worth anything. (that was 1.)
2. I know someone online for a long time now that I’ve not met in person but this person has for their entire adult life refused to get a job stating that they’ll have a temper tantrum on day 1 and get fired because they can’t work with people. Somehow this person has never been homeless or out on their ass like I have many times when I work my fucking hardest to survive being physically disabled even and I can’t get shit for it. So this person, at some point earlier in the year applied for and easily got SSI for refusing to work when I’ve never been able to get it for legit physical limitations and incapabilities. So, this person’s birthday is coming up and this person routinely asks for money to be donated to them online just for the sake of give me money coz I don’t want to work, and some dumb fuck actually gave them $500 for their birthday and on top of that, this person is STILL begging for more birthday donations. For nothing. When we all know it goes to getting drunk. Now, I don’t dislike this person at all but I am highly annoyed by it. Why the fuck should someone have it so easy????
I can’t make a dime the honest way or sell anything just because people hate me and believe complete lies and slander. I DESPERATELY need money to move and I can’t even get a job in a fucking telemarketing or customer service call center here which I’d only need to do for two fucking months to get the extra we need to leave the state. And leaving this state is going to happen one way or the other and very soon because this state punishes homelessness with prison time (for people that already have a record, as the love of my life does). So he can’t stay here and I’m trying to convince him to go some place that’s not a complete shit hole where there would be a chance of us NOT being homeless. But we really need just a little bit to go on! Not much, just a little! And I’m counting fucking change for dollar menu shit to maybe have 1 thing to eat every day while other people can sit on their ass and have everything fucking handed to them like miracle after miracle and blessing after blessing but I can’t catch a fucking break to save my fucking life!!
And 3. As if my jobs didn’t suck enough having to be on call 24-7-365 for shit that only gives me 10/15 hours a week, leaves me DEEPLY in debt to the fucking government for even having these piss ant little jobs, which 80% goes to rent A ROOM that I’m paying more than an equal share on, but I got to work in a hot ass fucking office with the god damned heat up to 90F when it’s 80F outside feeling like I’m gonna have a fucking heat stroke and burning out my 2012 macbook making it run over 200F because it’s so goddamn fucking hot in here when it’s capable of running at a cool 120F in a normal room with a little a/c to keep it a decent office temperature. And then, yeah, the boss wants the crippled person to rearrange the fucking office!! I can’t even lift the big screen TV! Sorry but I’m not fucking able bodied!!!!! >:(
OH… And 4. I’m just plain SICK of how you have to be anorexic to have a man in this world!!!!!!
A stupid meme has had my brain spinning the past couple of days over something that can’t possibly ever happen. It’s a dumb thing about choosing between $20 million or going back in time 25 years and doing it all over again. I’d actually pick doing it all over and haven’t been able to stop my brain from thinking through every detail, even the painful fact that I’d have never had any of my cats and most likely my kid wouldn’t have come to exist because if I could be 14/15 again and do it all over, I’d lose the fucking weight and stay living as a girl so that I could actually be with the man that I love. I could also seek him out and save him from a life of hell, before any of the real bad shit he’s been through ever happened. It would be so much fucking easier. And I just saw something about a transguy that had a kid and sorry but just looking at it yeah I did think wtf and wtf am I doing with this shit? It’s beyond me how other transguys can get dick because I sure as fuck can’t, I’m fat AND hideously ugly. Yeah, I don’t even look human and never have. If I was a lean and healthy girl would I still be able to get my man? I’m cursed with this ugly face and the worst part of it is my profile which truly doesn’t look human. Makes me wonder how such a small nose can be so fucking long and stick straight out from the side when from the front looks like just a little button. But my profile is truly hideous and as inhuman looking as it gets. Why did I fuck myself up so badly?!?!??? Was it just rebellion against life in the bible belt that drove me to this shit, because sure as hell no one in the big city bats an eye at women with shaved heads or wearing a suit & tie – it’s accepted here. I don’t know what I want to be any more honestly. I do hate the girl thing but when it comes to the right man, I’ve got no problem being the wife if I could ever be that fucking lucky. At least in a big city, girls don’t have to be ultra feminine, frilly and prissy or act like you’re stupid and helpless which are all the things I truly hated people expecting me to be like. Just had a little discussion with a transwoman friend about how the trend in the lgbt world is that they all like the shit music of today that we can’t stand. We’re both Gen X and we’re still listening to 80’s & 90’s and classic rock and just realizing in general how I don’t fit in to the gay world being that I like rock music and will always be a rocker and that’s just who I am. Shit, I like 60’s music a fuck of a lot more than anything that came after 1995. I’m a mess and I don’t belong. I’m so super stressed out because by December I need to find another city&state for me and this guy that I love to move to that will be good for him and decent enough for me. I’m scared about moving because I can’t get a full time job here because I don’t have a master’s degree and 15 years experience and everywhere else the issue is mostly being obese and looking like a woman with a shaved head who dresses like a man so I have a million and one walls holding me back from a real job and being able to take care of myself. Then I just heard from my mom that she got fired from her job of decades because the lazy and stupid millennial shits she worked with were always screwing up and leaving messes for her to clean up so she got fed up and blew up so they fired her. Yeah well fucking entitled little shits don’t do any work! And I used to hate my mom for being so extremely strict but god damn it, it made me the responsible and hard working person that I am! But I feel horrible because I can’t help her, my aunt, or the man I love and those are truly the 3 most important people in the world to me. Yeah, it’s weird but I’ve reconnected with my family after all this time and we are closer than we’ve ever been which means they speak to me somewhat regularly and keep in touch and accept me as an adult and a person now. My hours were cut yet again, too, because one of the clients for my first job dropped us, and I did the most work for them even though I complained the whole time of how much I hated babysitting 8 rich yuppie executives and their constant complaining and worrying about their blog and twitter 24-7-365 and wanting me on call when I really only got paid a total of 4-5 hours a week for them when they were 24-7-365 type of demand and the work I did for them took me way longer than the pay I was allotted for it. So I won’t get but $100 a week again. I was super set on killing myself too but I really have to help the one I love get a better chance in life. I think he does get that no one else has stuck by him like I have at least. Work is going to be even more painful because there’s someone who wants to come in and be taught the stuff I know but I seriously did not really want to teach anyone anything here. I’m not a people person and I hate that I got stuck being a one man show for this place having to do everything including teaching classes when I don’t want to talk to people at all.
I feel like it’s a complete waste of time to even apply for jobs and feel even more anxiety, dread and disgust that I got a few calls. The way things are, I won’t be here more than a month because the love of my life only has until Oct 1st to find a place to live and he would run off to a real shit hole of a city that’s one giant ghetto and I’d be left to run off to kill myself. I got him to consider a city I once lived in because the laws work for both of us there but I know fat people absolutely, 100% can not get a job there and the one person I know still living there doesn’t want anyone around and wants to live alone and be a hermit and never see humans again. So that’s not an option even for a short term stop. I don’t even feel like it’s worth it. Life will never work out. My hours got cut yet again. My other job is ending. It’s not possible to live on a mere $100 a week. I owe the IRS $50 a month and the state $20 a month for the rest of my life because they charge $40 for every month it’s not paid off in full so I’ll only get deeper and deeper in debt to the state. Now the credit cards that were stolen nearly 3 years ago are starting to find me and calling up demanding payment I don’t fucking have. I can’t succeed in this life at all. I’ll end up homeless and then in prison for all the debts if I continued to live anyway. Someone just died here playing Pokemon Go if I wasn’t so fucking fat that my vital organs would be protected from any and all impact I could do the same shit and make it look like an accident even. SIGH!
First, a random thought hit me late last night. Just, in my mind, I made peace with N.S. N.S. was a bully I went to school with. I remember him most when our class took a 4 day trip and he would say nasty things to me to embarrass me about being fat, ugly, or looking like a boy at every fucking opportunity in front of any stranger who could hear the insulting comments. I later learned that he died when we were 22. This would be around 2001-2002. Even later than that, I had seen a bunch of memorials and tributes to him online that talked about what a great guy he was, what a wonderful perfect citizen he was, star athlete in high school and blah, blah blah and it pissed me off. But over this summer, I’ve heard from just about everyone I went to school with over facebook and bullies and people who never even talked to me showed support for me being trans and it was just, strange. So it just hit me that if things can change that much, I can stop hating N.S. In fact, it should have been me that died at 22. I’m a nobody and not worth a shit. There wouldn’t be a damn thing online at all about my death if I had died instead of him. No one would have cared. I should be the dead one. 🙁
ONLY the perfect thin pretty girls matter. Being a transguy that likes masculine men is fucking pointless. THIS is why I’m gonna kill myself. I don’t fucking matter, never did, and never will. Every guy on earth expects to get a thin, pretty, popular hot girl to fall all over them so everyone else doesn’t fucking count for shit!!!
I figured a way out. I can’t even articulate everything right now. I can’t even share a meme on facebook without him going off on his bullshit that he’s the only person no one wants, only he can’t get a date, only he gets rejected at every turn, only he feels the pain! So you know what!? I’m not on this earth to be shit on! I’m sick of being told that I don’t have feelings, that I don’t feel pain, and I’m an absolute nobody that doesn’t count! And he doesn’t get it at all!! He thinks I’m fine because “I’m stronger than I know”! BULLSHIT!!! All this woe is me no one loves me when I DO EVERY GOD DAMN THING FOR HIM!!!!!! NO ONE has ever showed him the love and care and compassion that I have and it keeps getting thrown back in my face that I DON’T HAVE ANY FEELINGS AND DON’T FEEL A FUCKING THING INSIDE!!! Well you know what ************?!?! You’ll be sorry when I’m gone!!! It involves selling all my collectable shit locally since I can’t use paypal and I need to pull like $1000 out of everything – rare cd’s, signed cd’s, jerseys and odds & ends. And then I am fucking GONE!!!!!! I don’t even think my death would teach him a fucking lesson because the ONE girl that loved him in the distant past he dumped because she was “crazy” and “psycho” for thinking he’s gorgeous. He thought it couldn’t possibly be for real and dumped her and all he does is whine waahh waahh no one likes me my life is worse than everyone else’s on earth woe is me I’m all alone no one could ever want me! Well I’m sick of it, sick to fucking death of this life, sick to fucking death of being shit on like I’m not even human, have no feelings, and don’t feel any pain!!!!!!!!!
And now my phone is broke! The place where you plug it in doesn’t work so it can’t be charged. No phone means no chance at a new job or a new place! I’ll NEVER have $200 to throw down on a new phone being overcharged as I am where I’m staying now!!
Tired of going over this. I’ve been paying $640 a month on an $1125 rent which split 3 ways (as there are 3 adults living here) would be $375 per person and all utilities are included in rent. Why the fuck should I be paying more than half when I only work part time and struggle and honestly can’t pay my taxes or student loans because of one person’s selfish fucking greed in not wanting to pay their part of only $375 per month???! It adds up to $265 per month I’ve overpaid and $2385 overpayment since I’ve been staying here. I STARVE and go without for this shit?!? To give some cocksucker over $2300 extra play money!?!?!? I also have to keep my shit packed away in my bags like a homeless person and shove my futon mattress in the closet every morning to make it look like no one lives here. On top of it the dryer broke (no heat) and the fucker blames ME for it!! ME who ONLY HAS enough clothes to get through one week if I wear the same shit 2 days in a row at least twice during the week! Sorry but 3-4 shirts, a pair of pants and 2-3 pairs of gym shorts and a pair of socks and a small bath towel is NOT going to break the fucking dryer but maybe you two and the other 30 people that live in this building with each person owning enough clothes for 200 people and everyone running a SINGLE washer & dryer set 24-7-365 is what broke it and not MY MEAGER FEW POSSESSIONS!!!!! I’m about to fucking kill this asshole!!!!!!!!
I wish I wasn’t so afraid of pain, because I’m not the least bit afraid of death. I can’t even bring myself to explain what has happened and been said. I don’t want to go over it. I am worthless and unworthy and undeserving of love and it’s not possible for anyone to ever want to be with me. I wish I had the guts to stick one of my big needles in my neck to bleed out. They’re not that huge but they are the size they’d typically use on an adult to draw blood from the jugular. But I’m a ***** and I take my meds with the insulin sized needles. I just wish I could fucking do it because there’s no fucking sense in living like this and knowing for a fact I’m so undeserving of love!!