Is it bad that I kind of want to just forcibly find a romantic relationship (would be my first) with somebody that I know won’t be that great, and go into it knowing things will go poorly…. and hoping that I will become attached and they will start abusing me, until things end in a horrible way…. Is that bad? Is it bad that I want to start drinking? That I want to develop a problem with alcohol? Is it that that I want to get arrested and spend maybe a year or so in prison? I want to get raped. I want to be broken horribly, left permanently crippled…. Is that bad? I want to be homeless, cold on the streets in winter with nothing to eat, sleeping under a bridge on the gravel…. Attacked by random groups of teenagers almost beaten to death. Is that bad? I feel like that’d be a good start to being able to justify why I feel so horrible all the time….
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The desire for self-punishment isn’t unusual, and it can stem from self-hatred. Personally, I think it can stem from other sources, as well.
Meh, I do hate myself….
You summed up the reason lots of people feel that way in the last line, and I can fully understand that. Someone I once knew said they wanted to be treated badly in ways like the ones you mentioned because at least then they’d feel bad for someone else’s pleasure. I’ve felt similarly in some ways, but in reality it would probably only make someone feel much worse. It sounds like you’d end up falling deeper into those horrible feelings and finding it harder to escape them. Even if you got into those situations on purpose, you don’t know what they’d feel like until you were in them, and then you could end up having to live with that trauma as well. It could come with other problems like guilt, self-hatred and more desire to hurt yourself or be hurt until it becomes a cycle. I think being kind to yourself makes things easier to cope with, although (at least for me) it’s harder to do than inflicting more pain on yourself.
Meh it’s confusing…. But I want to fall deeper into these feelings, I doubt I’ll ever feel differently so I should just embrace it…. may as well be good at something.
Yeah. That’s pretty bad. You can’t be serious.
Oh but I am.
I mean BDSM could somewhat healthy option.
No, not bad; unusual. On second thought, not that unusual!
You are an addict in need of a fix but you don’t know which drug you want. You need something so visceral it will block out the pain in your head. Yeah, I’ve been there, just not with pain.
One day you may find your way into a BDSM relationship. I’ve met subs that were very high functioning, which was a testament to thier self discipline as well as the empathy and skill of their dom.
Good luck in finding what you need.
The mobile looked frightening. I like it. I’d add fetuses now that you mention having it over a crib. Good visual!
hey glad you liked it…. it got noticed a little bit…. also my professor had to talk to me after class and make sure I was “okay” GRRRRR I will continue writting this :/
I guess that makes some sense…. And BDSM may be an okay sort of thing, however my only rule would be no sex. Also I don’t want to add fetuses to the crib, just isn’t my style…. also would be harder to model…. but yeah, she mostly just asked if I was okay and I had to prove that I was going to see a counselor regularly, as apparently she was “worried” about me the entire quarter as I don’t seem like I’m “okay”. And yeah maybe I sort of am like an addict I don’t know, I just kind of want my life to get worse. and sorry about the two part comment, I had some stomach distress and I didn’t thinkk to just not post the comment, also i would have lost the flow of the writting and it wouldn’t match.
Swap the awfulness of what you carry now for a new sort.
Nah, at least this you feel now is familiar ground, shatterediris.
As of now you are one of my sisters ( we are all family here ) and i won’t allow my sister to suffer any more than she already has.
*Cyber Hugz you tightly for a good five minutes*
opps put that reply in the wrong place first time…. but hey I can edit comments here yay ^_^
and I am not sure I can swap it, and not sure I would want to…. this is somewhat starting to feel safe in some ways, but it would be nice to feel nice I guess. and yay I’m a sister now 😀 I’ve never been a sister before ^_^ only ever a brother 🙂
*hugs back*
thanks ^_^
So essentially you feel like you need to punish yourself, and you think that by allowing others to have control over you, that you will find sufficient pain? Is that correct?
Ok. Let’s stop here a second. Instead of just blindly relinquishing your free will, why don’t you make choices in an attempt to improve yourself and give you strength, not make you weak?
You could experiment with being homeless for a while. Leave most of your things behind in your flat (don’t forget to pay rent), take only a few essentials, like a sleeping bag, some extra clothing, and a bit of money, and go out and sleep under the stars for a few nights. Bring a knife too, in case you have to defend yourself.
At least you could have the experience without being forced into it. I’d suggest sleeping in the safest areas you can find.
Or, you could just go to a campground with a small tent.
As for everything else, I think you need to start caring for yourself more… because you deserve good things to happen in your life… and you shouldn’t let any abusive friends, family members, or teachers, etc., tell you otherwise.
If you want physical pain, try body building exercises. It’s a lot of effort, but rewarding in the end.
I guess that’s a good summary, I sort of feel that others can hurt me so much more than I can. That’s an excellent question, but I’m sure I wouldn’t be able to make choices to make myself stronger as those are so much harder to make and carry out. I guess I could, but I have a cat and my father isn’t at home…. So who would take care of her? :O I can’t take her with me, she’s an indoor cat. Now you are starting to sound a bit like my counselor, with the caring for myself more thing -_- and actually the exercise thing. 😛