I’m not going anywhere, I will never accomplish any thing of value with my life. Why should I bother even living out the rest of it? I’m just wasting everyone’s resources. The things I’m best at I still suck at compared to other people. My best developed skills are nowhere nearly developed enough to be of use to anybody. And the only thing I am actually well above average with is completely worthless since I’m not absurdly above average, and I’m probably getting worse with it too as I feel shame about it and sort of stopped doing it for a very long time…. :/ I really should kill myself, I really would like to.
Today was just a really mixed day, I feel very happy about some things and very upset about others. Like I had some things arrive that I have waited over a year for, which I was excited about but they are things that will require much attention from me and a lot of time devotion, which is making me regret my decision to get them as they may take too much of my attention…. I really don’t need more things to distract me from my classes, I have to stop failing so often. Also I wasted yet even more time with something else that I enjoy doing but will never be decent at, spent the last 5 or so hours with it (since I got home from my grandfather’s). Also today my father dropped some food, which made me feel really bad too, it actually made me want to cut myself because I felt like I somehow ruined everything…. I’m still not sure exactly how him dropping it was my fault, but I certainly feel like it was. Maybe it was because I am so very annoying? I just never shut up, I can’t…. I hate myself. And I extorted more money from my father. Why do I allow him to continue to let me lean on him? Why does he support me? I should kill myself he wouldn’t be wasting as much money that way…. It’s a stupid amount too, as he pays my co-pays to see my counselor (which is $30 per week) and gives me $20-$40 every week for food and gas -_- That’s $200-$280 per month wasted on me, and with everything else he does for me he must be wasting around $4000 every year because of me.
I’m a horrible person I should just kill myself. Although I’m expected to watch my grandfather for a bit later today (my father doesn’t want to pay for nurses on the holiday for him) so I probably should wait until after that to try. I doubt I will though, so far I’ve been too much of a little ***** to really try that hard. I should at least cut myself though, but knowing me I’m probably just going to curl up in bed and try to cry, because I just never do anything I should be doing I procrastinate too much. I hope I just die tonight, hoping that some obscure thing just causes me to die…. It would even be better that way as it wouldn’t be suicide, and then my father could at least pretend I wasn’t a complete piece of shit if he ever choose to talk about me to his friends.
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and I don’t even have a blanket to curl up under because I made the only one I have dirty earlier today, and waited until I got home to start washing it…. and it’s still not even close to dry…. that is my only blanket, and I just decided to procrastinate with washing it just like I do with everything else. I guess at least this has immediate consequences of me not being able to be comfortable tonight…. I want nothing more than to curl up under and cuddle a nice warm blanket right now.
A metric ton of people struggle with procrastination, some take even a weird pride in it. So I don’t think you need to beat yourself up about it. It’s just a thing that a person needs to work on. Now at least you know that you need to wash your blanket earlier to avoid “hobo-ing” it out on your own bed. People make these kinds of mistakes all the time, so no worries. O and on the subject of your father. He supports you because you’re his child and he loves you. Also, my currency exchanging is a bit rusty, but $4000 a year isn’t that much, especially if you help with things like looking after your grandfather.