Okay what the fuck?

update: okay maybe it’s just because I’m tired or something, as after that one somewhat deep cut I made on the underside of my arm which felt weird to cut as I normally save that spot for when I really really hate myself, it feels different than top of arm…. like it hurts a bit less upfront but stings more, and I can’t interact with the blood in the way I like to, so mostly they are saved for special occasions…. But anyway I decided to try to make a few more as I didn’t feel satisfied, and I already broke down and cut so I may as well enjoy as I can right? Cutting once and cutting 30 times is all the same really, it’s still cutting…. So may as well fit in as much as my pain tolerance allows…. But anyway I went at the underside of my arm, and it just wasn’t cutting deep enough either, that one I guess was just a fluke…. So that led to me angrily going at it in sets of 4 (a natural number for me to count to, I don’t like odd numbers and I never cut an odd number of times) no idea on the total number of cuts I made but the underside of my forearm is fairly well saturated with red, just kind of all over the place, including up high over my wrist…. Wrist I’m actually too squeamish to cut, it’s actually the only place that cutting really bothers me mostly because I can see everything moving under the skin the entire time (I’m really thin) and it just bothers me so much…. But just quickly tearing at my skin somewhat randomly allowed me to cut that area up, although nothing is stupidly deep it does look pre bad due to volume…. So I’m satisfied with these…. Maybe I’ll do more before seeing my counselor, he won’t be happy about it any way 🙁