Progress

Hello. I think I have made some progress. It has been almost a month so this will be a long post. Yesterday was the first day of my family’s roadtrip to California. Since coming back from the school trip, I haven’t gone out much. Most of the time I spent was playing games or watching youtube. For almost a full month I haven’t thought about killing myself. Then it hit me. The depression hit me again yesterday. I didn’t understand. Why after all this time. After I got yelled at for wanting the lights off because I wanted to sleep, I started thinking. The reason why I get depressed is because I am unhappy with myself. Now I know you are thinking that this isn’t a new developement, but stay with me. When I was in school, I was unhappy because I was surrounded by people my age who were happy. They had successful relationships, achievements they were working towards, and groups they were a part of. My depression really hit a fever pitch when I went to visit that university with my school. The other 15 kids that went were all smart and talented and knew what they wanted to do with their life. They had it all together (Or so it seems. I want to clarify that the people I’ve been talking about appear to have it together and I don’t know their personal situation.) Then flash cut to me just staying in my room and oing nothing. I wasn’t depressed at all. I felt in a state of bliss (I guess). Now when I’m visiting my family on the way to california and have to listen about how my younger cousin got a job, a liscense, and a new girlfriend, I’ve realized where my depression has come from. I am in a constant state of comparing myself to others. I’m unhappy about who I am and when I’m surrounded by people my age who seem to have it together, I fall apart. I have a poor self image and low self esteem. When I’m by myself I have no one to compare myself to so thus no depression. I hate myself for it. I always try these half assed atempts at bettering myself, but I never follow through. I’m a lazy nothing and I feel bad when others succeed. I’m a horrible person for thinking this. Now I know this all seems negative, but I’m actually happy to know this. Now I know where all this pain comes from. Now I have a general idea of how to become happy. I have to accept myself for what I am. I have to accept that I’m just not as good as everyone else and that’s fine. I’ve figured it ou sort of. Thanks for listening
2 side notes: Sorry for not posting reading the past month. Even when I’m depressed I want to read and comment to help you guys.
I haven’t read any posts, but is shatterediris still around. I just want to know if she is ok.