I’m not doing well, I don’t know why though…. I feel quite horrible worse than normal. I was doing okay, but now I’m feeling overwhelmed by everything. I’m going to hurt myself I know it. I don’t want to quit, but I want to want to quit…. Nothing else helps -_- Maybe I should drink some bleach or something tonight, see what happens when I actually manage to not vomit several minutes later. :/
*edit because I forgot stuff, and got upset after posting this*
And I was so happy about having most of the dishes done yesterday too…. well sort of yesterday, sometime before this mourning at 1 am and after Wednesday at 4 pm…. I don’t have any landmarks between those times for locaiting my memories so i have no idea what day it was even…. But sometime this weekend before seeing my friend this (yesterday now) mourning. But then I broke a plate putting the dishes up so I could clean more, it upset me a lot…. It was the only plate I had cleaned for the past few months and I grew attached to it…. I ended up finally being able to place it in the garbage can, but now I’m considering digging it out as I miss it…. I’m upset about it being broken but I kind of want to glue it back together or just keep its shattered pieces in my closet. I’m probably going to dig it out, nothing that bad is in the garbage can, just some egg shells from boiled eggs. Sadly it’s ceramic and none of the edges that were left from the break were sharp 🙁 so I didn’t even get cut when it broke, and I really couldn’t even cut myself with it.
Also I’m really upset about the last time I cut myself, they were too shallow. I probably can’t even cut myself properly anymore, I am a failure at everything I do. I can’t even catch up with the posts on here now as I didn’t check here much today, and then eventually didn’t want to as I was feeling too overwhelmed by how much I missed and just feel quite terrible about it. And I even tried to convince myself that I was going to get rid of some of those things this week too…. that’s not happening. :/ My counselor is always telling me I shouldn’t have my razors around me, as it won’t help me stop but I just don’t feel safe without them near by. I even have one that I bring to school with me everyday. :/ I want to go buy a lighter right now. But I don’t has money. I don’t really want to use the cars cigarette lighter it really doesn’t work too well anyway, and I don’t really want to use the stove…. I just want to push my skin against a flame, I don’t want to use hot metal…. That just isn’t a thing I want. Maybe I can borrow a lighter from my friend, if I give a reasonable excuse for needing it…. But then again he knows that I cut myself and he probably won’t give me a lighter as he will probably be able to guess at what I’m going to do with it -_- I hate how he doesn’t realize that I’m going to figure this out eventually if I really want to. So he would just be making my life a little bit easier…. -_- If I just wasn’t such a tiny ***** and just killed myself already I wouldn’t have to deal with this anymore.
47 comments
I’m so fucking sorry to hear that. But it’s a good thing in a way. It shows that there’s still some fight left in you. You still care and you still want to carry on. don’t let go of that! Your life won’t be like this forever. I promise you that.
But I really don’t want to carry on though…. I’m just still a bit too nervous hen it comes to attempting to inflict lethal damage upon myself. I try to justify me not killing myself to myself by saying that I don’t want to inconvenience my cat or my father but those are just simply lies. I’m simply just a tiny little *****.
It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, most people do. Just take it slow, and handle things one step at a time. O and not offing yourself does most certainly not mean that you’re a “tiny *****”. It takes arguably more courage to live while you’re experiencing the things you do, than exiting life.
I don’t understand how people do the whole living “normal” lives thing…. Like I can’t even do anything one thing well, and so many people do multiple things well…. Like I don’t do well at school, GPA currently is a 2.1 -_- and then I don’t even have any form of skill that I do exceptionally well, and there aren’t even any games that I play exceptionally well…. Just nothing that I can really point at and say “I’m good at that” I am above average in a decent amount of random skills and do play card games far above average (card games are one thing that it seems I am innately good at) but none of those are developed well enough for me to be good at them, I’m just simply better than an average person who has never done them before…. And that just comes done to time, I’m simply far too lazy…. I don’t think I have ever even come close to practicing anything for long enough to come close to mastery…. I’m just useless, and it’s all because apparently I’m lazy…. Like all those people live normal lives, graduating from their colleges with 4.0’s, while being an excellent competitive swimmer or whatever they are, while working full time…. Just how does that happen? How do they not get crushed by the dread of having so many things to do? -_-
sorry for slight rant :/
No need to apologize, this wasn’t a rant, and anyway you can rant as much as you like.
What you’re describing is the exception to the rule. There’s only a few people who graduate with 4.0’s, while being an superb athlete, and working full time. Most people are like you. Above average at some things but haven’t mastered anything. You’re far from worthless. Take your time, and look for something you want to master, and go for it. Few people find that thing, but it’s worth trying.
But it seems that everybody is a star athlete and graduates with at least a 3.6 or greater…. I’ve only ever met two other people with a GPA below 3.0 -_- And everybody I know does have a skill that they have developed to an extent far greater than I have ever come close to reaching. I am the only person I know who does horribly at school, doesn’t have a job, doesn’t have much of a social life, and isn’t good at anything I haven’t met anybody else IRL who can check all of those boxes…. :/
I have found so many things that I want to master, but basically I just don’t practice I can never find the time to…. I never feel like I have enough time, so I never do anything…. I can’t even have fun due to this because anytime I do something that I used to find enjoyable I end up thinking about all the other things I should be doing, and then I just don’t do anything…. I just sit there wasting my time constantly refreshing the same webpage for hours…. Normally it’s SP, sometimes it’s other sites…. Some of them don’t even change in anyway or regularly -_-
Also I’m not disagreeing with you, I’m sure I’m probably experiencing some form of confirmation bias. Well I know I am, I know there are people worse than me. But I will never be able to feel like that.
like even my cousins who sit home and do drugs all day who’s children are in prison for rape and abduction I feel have a better life than me…. At least they spend everyday with their friends. I wish I could do that.
God almighty, that’s most certainly confirmation bias. In that instance you’re only focusing on the fact that they spend everyday with their friends, who knows if they’re good friends or not, and ignoring the apparent shitstorm that is the rest of their lives.
And on the mastery subject. Force yourself to make time for something. Carve out a hour or two in your day to practice or do something. Later on it’ll become habit, and over time you’ll master it. Like I said, it isn’t easy, and not that many people achieve it, but if it’s important to you, it’s worth trying.
Confirmation bias is apparently my specialty if you ask my counselor…. -_- And they are pre close friends, they’ve known each other for a decently long time, and my statement about the children in prison, it’s only one child and he was technically never charged for raping his sister, he’s only in prison for abducting and planning to kill some lady who he didn’t rape. But I would actually sort of like that existence, being high all the time and laughing and smiling while in the constant company of your closest friends. -_- They really don’t care that the rest of their life sucks…. They even have lived in a house for a few years now somehow…. They are actually doing really well for being drug addicts. Not average.
I have started kind of doing that, but I still feel bad because I’m not doing school stuffs with that time which I feel like I should be, but I know I wouldn’t be doing it anyway. Either way I guess I feel guilty when I do anything other than school stuffs and job searching.
He’s ONLY in prison for abducting and planning to kill some lady…who he didn’t rape. Jesus wept.
But anyway, you shouldn’t feel guilty. You can do with your time, what you want. Like you said it yourself you know you wouldn’t be doing it anyway. However, I’m glad that you started doing that, you won’t regret it.
I just worry that I’ll eventually quit…. And there’s some other things I need to start again…. That I was just taking a break from, and ended up being gone for like 6-8 months now…. And the worst thing about that is people are still asking about when I will start with that again. :/
There’s no need to worry. There’s no sense in giving up, because you worry that you’ll eventually give up. Just give it your all, so that you won’t regret it. Also, don’t worry about what other people ask, it’s your time, you can decide what you spend it on.
yeah it makes no sense at all…. As it is giving up either way. -_-
Nah, one is giving up, and the other has the possibility of giving up. It’s just good ol circular reasoning, the bane of many people’s lives.
One of my favorite fallacies. Bandwagon is my least favorite, it’s just so boring.
Mine as well. Ah yes, boring and, in many cases, unassumingly dangerous.
Well they all can be dangerous…. I feel like bandwagon is simply too overused though…. -_- Why can’t people get more creative with reasoning for arguments that they should never win?
That’s true, but considering that bandwagon was used for slavery, the Holocaust, and other unsavory events. I think it earns a special place in the fallacy club.
I would disagree that it was only bandwagon, it seems like a lot of red herring types of fallacies where used too…. I’m certain they all found there ways into all of the best unsavory events 😀
Now I’m picturing Hitler using circular reasoning…. -_- it feels like it could be a one or two panel comic style of graphic that would be quite fitting on a shirt.
Haha, that’s one of the better ways of picturing Hitler. That could work, however, I don’t know how many people would be willing to walk in public with Hitler on their chest.
I would assume quite a few possibly…. Although I’m certain that shirt would upset a lot of people anyway, would probably even upset the neonazis…. since it would be somewhat making fun of Hitler and his followers. :/
good morning, stop thinking of hurting yourself! give it a break, seriously don’t think about that everyday it isn’t good for you, we have ESPN! I broke a glass yesterday too! it slipped out of my hand and it bonced!!! about 10 fucking times!! never broke!! i couldn’t do anything!! the fucker was to far!! bonce! bonce! bonce! bonce! it’s flipping all over the place!!! bonce! bonce! bonce! i was like wow!! it’s going to make it!! bonce! bonce! i’m saying to my self yeah!!! it’s not going to break!! bonce!! awwww!! it exploded!!!! SOB!!! GLASS EVERYWHERE!!! Then the cat the devil is playing with the sharp glass i’m yelling get way from the shit!!! i’m trying to pick it up and it’s biting my hand!! i’m pushing the cat away back! back! this went on till i finally got all of it cleaned up!
I like how when I read threw about what I broke yesterday I said plate when it was a bowl…. -_- I’m just not functional right now. That’s quite the glass breaking story ^_^ I wish I broke my favored bowl in a reasonable way, instead of ending up breaking it when the handle decided to break off of the strainer that I was shaking downwards into the dishwasher to try to quickly get the water off so I could store it to make room for more dishes…. I was excited to do more. But yeah the strainer flew and hit the bowl and the bowl broke…. The strainer is still functional however :/ just a bit out of shape and handleless. It’s great how cats insist on playing with things that can hurt them…. -_- I’ve had that problem with my cat with so many different things, although she doesn’t bite me when I force her away from something…. she normally will run around the nearest courner and watch from there if I tell her to leave something alone…. She’s a timid cat.
And I’m sorry Mr. Rocketman, I can’t stop thinking about hurting myself…. It’s not even really a thought it’s more of a craving. 🙁
This cat is fearless! i got it as a kitten “recused it” It’s mother was a wild predator! never seen a cat like her! she did get killed i took her baby, OMG! WHAT A HANDFUL! ATTACK! ATTACK! ATTACK!!!! Then sleeps with me!!
Sometimes I’m happy that my cat has a laid back and timid personality and other times I’m a bit upset by it…. Like she is very good at just hanging out in the room with me, but she doesn’t do the pest control thing at all…. I’ve seen her run from so many things that I would have loved for her to kill. -_- So I have to find ways to deal with the spiders on my own 🙁
i have 4, all different, another reason i’m still here! what would happen to them? they are my children.
My kitty would be okay, my father likes her a lot…. But the main problem right now is my father doesn’t live at home, so she’d have to move which she wouldn’t like. So if my father was living here I would be more open to the idea of not being alive tomorrow as I know she’d be okay.
i live a normal life on the outside but not on the inside, it a struggle to get up drink enough coffee to move and get to work, then once at work i talked to several people and run around, it’s a *****! every fucking day the same thing! but new problems, i keep saying a couple more years and i can quit this shit and do what i want, RELAX!!
Yay normal outside life ^_^
I’ve never managed to live a normal outside life, even when I was young everybody saw me as very strange. Then again I’ve never tried to appear normal :/ it seems like too much work.
I’m kind of curious as to what quit means…. I’m curious now if that’s referencing a date or something you have set, or if you are just getting close to retirement.
yep! retirement, that’s why i’m still going, it’s close, this is what i’ve been looking forward to all my life, my plans are to go back into entertainment and do it at my leisure, i’d never set a date, i would just make up my mind one day. dying is something we all will do one day like it or not, how doesn’t matter, but when does. I don’t like walking away from a poker game just folding.
yay I’m happy that it means retirement…. Although I did not at all picture you as being retirement age…. Although I guess you could be doing early retirement…. I’ve always pictured you at mid to late 40’s for some reason…. I was kind of assuming you meant retirement though, as setting a date didn’t seem like something you’d do based off of what I know about you currently…. But I had to ask as my assumption could be wrong…. I also was sort of hoping that you meant retirement…. Also I kind of like the poker analogy, but my mind immediately goes to “but you have to fold at times in poker though”…. I will ruin any type literary device that involves any type of game, I can’t not ruin them…. -_- But I guess life doesn’t have multiple hands :/
I’m getting really tired now, I’ve just started hitting the uncontrollable laughter and crying stage…. Being tired is one of the few times I’m able to cry, is kind of nice actually 😀
yeah sometimes you do have to fold but you don’t have to like it! then play another hand, kind of losing a battle but not the war, when it’s my time it will because i lost the war.
i’m really old!!!! but in good shape, sure i hurt on the inside, arthritis, a little nerve damage, ha ha! brain damage!!! but for my age i look early 50s, attract girls in their late 30s and up, most women my age can’t believe my age they won’t even talk to me they think i’m to young for them, i can still move around you would never know i how i feel on the inside, i put on a very good show, matter of fact the only time it hurts is when i’m alone, that’s when i feel it.
Hmmmm, okay so slightly older than I assumed ^_^ so early 70’s is now my mental image (which don’t worry anything from 60’s-70’s is all the same mental image for me, I have a very small sample size of people that age to pull from) And that’s good that you are in good shape 😀 is something that some people my age aren’t ^_^ it always helps to be in decent physical health. I was a lot happier with myself back when I used to be like 5 pounds heavier (yeah I know I was a super muscular beast back then :S )
At least you aren’t bed ridden like my grandfather is, then again he’s actually in his 70’s…. And smoked like a coal power plant (sorry, I couldn’t think of anything else that produces smoke)
^_^
ok ok! knock it off! early 70s!!! late 50s looks like early 50s!! even late 40s!! 🙂 i jump around and dance like Mick Jagger, Sing like billy idol, and sting like a bee!! 🙂
ok ok! knock it off! early 70s!!! late 50s looks like early 50s!! even late 40s!! 🙂 i jump around and dance like Mick Jagger, Sing like billy idol, and sting like a bee!! 🙂
so when you say dance like Mick Jagger, do you happen to mean breaking your hip? 😛
I’m sooo sorry
(I’m not sorry)
also how is late 50’s retirement age? O.o isn’t retirement normally 74? or something like that? O.o I’m so confused :O
OK I DISH IT OUT IN MY STORIES!!! I CAN TAKE IT!!!!! 🙂 Breaking a hip!! 🙂 OK I was practicing about ah 2 months ago! i decided i needed to do something i haven’t done for years, that’s jump in the air high enough to spin in a complete circle and land on my toes, Michael Jackson would have a hard time doing that!!!! 🙂 now if you don’t believe me go to the middle of the room watch out for furniture and try it!!! anyways i practiced it about 20 times, i was successful 5 times, landed on my toes and didn’t wobble, 10 times i wobbled! and yes 5 times fell on my ass!!! ha ha!!!!! OK it was at that moment i realized that as amassing as that move would be while performing it wasn’t worth the effort, the odds were not to good of getting it right every time any longer! so i abandoned the idea, i’ll work on other talents like throwing the mic up letting it spin about 5 times then catching it, i can do that, i also can do other moves but the 360 degree move is out!!! not worth the effort any longer, you can retire at 62, that’s my goal, i should look younger and be in better shape, that’s part of my plan, i’m taking care of everything teeth are almost finished i have all my own!! 🙂 arthritis i’m getting all kinds of procedures done, i’m preparing for my last ha rah! wish me luck!
oh wow you are close ^_^
and I’m not sure how difficuilt that would be, i would imagine decently. I’m not sure if I could land and stay on my toes, I’ve gotten too used to rolling my foot down whenever I land from a jump (if that makes any sense, or maybe up is better…. as I normally land slightly close to mid foot and then roll up onto toes.) it’s really hard to think about how I land, I also do normally at least bend my knees a lot, sometimes go into a roll. Depends on how high the fall was before hand…. But even from a jump I am not certain I could break landing habits :/ I like jumping off of things though ^_^ farthest fall I’ve done was only a bit over 20 feet though 🙁 I wish I’d been higher…. Damn it rocketman now you got me sidetracked…. 62 is a lot younger than I thought it could be…. so you are really close then ^_^ yay…. And sorry about the hip breaking crack, but I made that because didn’t Mick Jagger actually break his hip a few years ago? O.o
it’s a hard move! you should have something entertaining every song, so they go aww! but not constantly! that’s a ticket to disaster, i’m very proud of what i can do! run through the audience, make contact, dance, crack a few jokes, 62 is old! most have given up, depends what you trying to portray, a rock and roller with talent from experience is me, fine and tuned, a sex symbol? no! just presentable, i have it lucky, people who rely on looks go the way of the doe doe bird, people like Michael can’t continue that’s why he is dead, look at mick? he can still perform, his old!! i’m in that category, first it wow he’s old! second it’s wow he can move! third its fuck i wish i could do that!!! you win hearts by being the under dog, then by being top dog! it’s a wonderful formula.
But can the song just be the entertaining thing?
I think I’m going to bed now, I’ve been up (mostly) since about 2pm on friday (is 7:30am sunday now) I had like an hour nap sometime in there -_- I have enough time for about 2 or 3 hours before having to go to my grandfathers later today :/
welp I overslept, is 2 now, and I am just leaving going to be there later than I like to be…. But my cat slept with me really soundly which was nice. She was even very okay with me petting her when I woke up which normally she’s not that fond of being touched when she’s trying to sleep…. ^_^ She was even snoring when I woke up 😀
I wonder if you realize you can cut skin just by using your fingernails, scatterediris? Although they only produce shallow cuts, they are still quite painful especially on hands.
I’ve scratched myself with my nails before even to the point of getting a bit of blood. Biting is better in every way though…. But still neither are satisfying. I am not happy with my cuts unless I get down far enough to see the little bright white bits…. I don’t really cut for the pain, the pain is nice yes but what I really want out of it is the bodily damage. :/ I deserve for my body to be horribly scared.