Should arrive tomorrow. That may be a bit hopeful, but definitely this week. Thought I’d found a bit of hope to clutch on to, but he door-slammed me, apparently. It was my own fault for disappointing him. Anyway, as they say, a catalyst can be a good thing sometimes. It’s such an emotional roller coaster to be thinking yes I’ll do it, no I won’t, yes I will. For all I know, tomorrow he’ll reconnect with me. But for now I’m on the down hill. Let’s see where the next few days take me. Thursday or Friday the weather seems to improve so I won’t feel so bad about leaving my cat outside.
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Hi ZeldaSky. I read some of your previous posts. I have a nine-year old (stepdaughter) as well, and that is what makes me feel bad the most about ‘my last journey,’ as I call it. But she is already more screwed-up than I ever was. I wish I could help her, and her mother as well, but I can’t and I’m exhausted — from them, from life, and I simply see no future for me. I just got back from vacation at the sea, and I kept thinking to myself: just keep swimming out and no one would know. I love the sea, and I always swim too far out. Everyone would think it was an accident….
If you want to share more (ie, about your illness) I’ll try to respond.
I sooo want to help my daughter (and 7 yo son) and keep them from going through the same things I did. I feel like I KNOW in my mind what to do. But, I’m just not capable of carrying it through. I just wasn’t the one who could be there for them in that way. They have been living with their Dad and step mother for the past two years and are very settled there. I wouldn’t have the fear of totally uprooting their lives. He can give them everything I never could. I suffer from chronic fatigue syndrome. I only get to see them one week out of every school holidays now, as they live a 6 hour drive away.
I understand wanting to make it look like an accident. That would be ideal for me, but I just don’t have the energy to spend thinking of how to actually go about doing that.