Things have been going ok. I won’t say great, because I don’t think a 10/10 is ever gonna happen for me. I got back together with my boyfriend. So why am I not deliriously happy you ask?! Well, he’s a great guy. A sweetheart. But I’m a lot older than him and, although he says age doesn’t matter, I look at his gorgeous face and think ‘that’s what you say now. But in a few years you’ll probably want someone your own age.’ I don’t doubt his sincerity, I just feel like I have a few more years of knowing on him.
Anyway, why am I back here? I was on Facebook, as you do, when I read about a guy who faces similar health struggles as me. He took his life last night. I feel sad for him. And then, bam, I’m straight back into thinking well… hey, if he can do it… I guess once we carve out that pattern of thinking in our brains, it never truly goes away. It becomes our default, whenever anything gets too tough or something else triggers it. I think of the plan, and the gear I have stashed away for a rainy day and ponder….
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It’s comforting to think about having a way out. I’m not much of a rope or razor kind of person, but I like to think I could jump if I wanted to. That process of thinking most certainly gets carved into the mind. It’s the quick, easy and sure-fire route to take when shit gets tough. I’m not ashamed to say that my answer to being sad is thinking about death. Embrace the insanity, it’s just easier lol
I don’t know how I missed this reply, but thanks for it. My Goodness… since I posted this I’ve gone on a massive downhill spiral. Every little way my mind could possibly have tortured me, it has. My boyfriend, I’m convinced he is going to realise who I truly am and not want anything to do with me. He is perfectly sweet, and still I find fault in what he says. I know logically it isn’t him- it’s me. I’m expecting him to fill all my empty spaces. But nobody can do that. I feel like I’m on borrowed time. It can’t last, it just can’t.
Eventually you’ll die. Everyone does.
Don’t worry about it.
Keep fucking your mate until you do.
This age difference thing: Who told you it’s an issue?
I did, I told myself it was an issue. I said we’d gotten back together. Well, the reason we had broke up is because I broke it off. I was convinced that the age difference and all my issues would be too much for him to deal with. Well, then I regretted my decision and begged him back. I’m thankful he did come back. But I know it’s usually one chance with most people, so it makes it all the more sweet to have him back. Somewhere in the back of my mind I’m convinced he’s gonna one day break my heart. I just hope I am wrong.
Oh, he’s also ‘undecided’ about wanting kids. And I am almost 100% sure I don’t want any more. So that’s an actual, real issue right there.
Eh. Advice isn’t my strong suit.
Just live for the here & now.
(Do what you think is best).
That’s all we can do 🙂
🙂 Agreed.
We make it up as we go along.