long time, no see. of course probably none of you remembers me. i haven’t been here since around early june or so. ever since my first (and last) boyfriend broke up with me around that time i have been feeling steadily worse as time wears on… no, i am not some pre-teen complaining of ‘heartbreak’. i’m 19 and this was my very first relationship, long-distance and completely online. the breakup itself no longer bothers me. more like the reasons for the breakup… i’ve been dealing with a lot of shame of self. i tried my very best to be a good girlfriend, and i thought i was doing a hella good job, until the very end. yeah, we had had some rough spots, but what couple doesn’t? and we were each others first relationships… we were new to it, ffs. i didn’t think we were doing so bad for amateurs… i had no complaints. but i guess he did.
turns out i am just Too Much. i’m too fat. i’m too needy. i’m too mentally ill. i drained him. he got tired of me, just like everybody else. now i have been alone again for a little over three months now. our entire relationship only lasted four. what’s sad is that i’m now going on 20, and he was the only man to ever show even an inkling of interest in me. i used to think he was the first man to ever love me, but now i’m not entirely sure if he ever did… which puts me right back at square fucking one.
what is it about me that is so inherently unlovable? i’ve been trying to figure this out for ages. i thought it was my weight, but there are women twice my size in happy, fulfilling relationships.what do they have that i don’t? what makes them better than me? i used to think it was because i don’t look like a porn star, but then i see girls with horse faces even worse than mine holding hands with their bfs. i have a somewhat decent personality, though depression has changed it irrevocably – i don’t smile as often and my sense of humor has been somewhat compromised. but i just try to make up for that in other ways however i can. when it comes to finding a partner i’m not shallow, nor am i picky. having things in common and whether or not we jive together is the most important thing for me. i’m not horrible, nor am i spectacular – i’m just plain average. average people fall in love all the time – in fact, average people make up the majority of our population, so it’s probably not a stretch to say they fall in love more often than exceptional people do. so why not me?
sigh… i’m trying to move past this feeling of ‘unlovability’ on my own, but the fact of the matter is that i’ll probably never feel worthy of love until somebody else actually falls in love with me, for real this time. i’ve tried so hard for years to give myself the validation that i’ve never recieved from others. i’ve tried so hard to love myself, then i get frustrated when i can’t. but it kinda makes sense – how can i learn to love myself when i have never been loved? how am i supposed to give myself something i have never even had? how do i make that kind of thing just materialize out of thin air? then i realize just how ridiculous these other people are to preach “self-love” at me. because love, self- or otherwise, is only for the lovable.
anyway that’s my latest sob story. been feeling rather alone, is all…
2 comments
I think loneliness is the most common emotion on earth. If you think about it, the only reason we have parties and other social events are so people aren’t spending time by themselves. Birthdays, Christmas, and especially New Years Eve/Day are the most common days to commit suicide because of that feeling of loneliness. I hope you can find someone sooner rather than later, because I know the feeling intimately of being alone.
thank you. i get exactly where you’re coming from. i think everyone gets lonely, but then i think there is a smaller group of people that i consider ‘the loneliest’ – we’re the ones who’ve never had truly meaningful relationships, we have the most difficulty connecting with others. we feel like we do not belong on this earth and that we’re not supposed to even be here at all. others feelings of loneliness can be relieved simply by meeting up with a friend, but we don’t have friends to meet up with in the first place. that’s the best way i can describe it, being of this group myself.
and man, do the holidays sometimes make me want to commit suicide also! personally i’ve thought of killing myself at/around my b-day numerous times, but knowing how that would crush the little remaining family i have left i just can’t. even though my ‘family’ don’t seem to give two shits about what happens to me anymore, based on the times i’ve tried to reach out to them. speaking of, it’s coming up on that time of year again! -__-