Today I remembered something from my childhood.
You know what they say about how people react differently in the same situation?
I have experience with corporal punishment, like most people who probably have been through it. Some turn out fine, some not really. Hell, I just remembered it now. Anyway.
I don’t want to paint the whole scenario dark and dramatic, but when I remembered it, I felt dark and lonely. After the spanking, I would go to this room where it was dark, and cry by myself. I would wait for someone to reach for me and, maybe comfort me, but no one ever did. I’d just cry for hours until I was tired and had the courage to face my mom who did it.
Imagine being like eight and already having these dark feelings of hate swirling inside of you already. I hate it. When I remembered it, negative feelings assaulted me and I cried and wept in another dark room just like I did back then. It was like nothing changed. I am still crying in the dark room by myself. I suppose it’s comforting now, instead of depressing. You just get used to it.
I’m not being punished physically anymore. But emotionally, it sucks. I always had a mean glare and I rarely really glare at anybody. And when I do, they would always comment on how scary it was. People would always get triggered when I start glaring at them like I mean it.
I remember the first person I ever glared at was my mom. She told me how I had the eyes of a devil. Guess how that happened.
4 comments
Glaring eyes like “Rosemary’s baby” in the film…Really creepy!
About corporal punishment, I went through this few times but each of them was very intense&traumatic. And I was always left to recover alone like u told. It was terrible… My executioner was my sister, 15 years older than me. She used drugs and the corporal punishment was proportional to her mental addiction craziness.
Emotional punishment I go through since always…and I am not only left to recover alone but also charged with comments like “are u still thinking on that?” Like if 5 minutes later I could forget all the pain.
Since I just remembered it, it’s overwhelming how I already felt that much pain as a kid. And you know what the worse thing is? I kinda continued the cycle. I did the same thing to my younger sister, once. Then I realized what was happening and stopped myself before it could get worse. Now all I feel is guilt. I wish I could stop thinking.
I’m sorry.
Hi
I think you should do the opposite: think&grab this issue. Write about it and take this burden out of your chest. Then you will be able to understand it better and control ot better till one day you get over it.
This is the method I use.
🙂