Glaring Eyes

Today I remembered something from my childhood.

You know what they say about how people react differently in the same situation?

I have experience with corporal punishment, like most people who probably have been through it. Some turn out fine, some not really. Hell, I just remembered it now. Anyway.

I don’t want to paint the whole scenario dark and dramatic, but when I remembered it, I felt dark and lonely. After the spanking, I would go to this room where it was dark, and cry by myself. I would wait for someone to reach for me and, maybe comfort me, but no one ever did. I’d just cry for hours until I was tired and had the courage to face my mom who did it.

Imagine being like eight and already having these dark feelings of hate swirling inside of you already. I hate it. When I remembered it, negative feelings assaulted me and I cried and wept in another dark room just like I did back then. It was like nothing changed. I am still crying in the dark room by myself. I suppose it’s comforting now, instead of depressing. You just get used to it.

I’m not being punished physically anymore. But emotionally, it sucks. I always had a mean glare and I rarely really glare at anybody. And when I do, they would always comment on how scary it was. People would always get triggered when I start glaring at them like I mean it.

I remember the first person I ever glared at was my mom. She told me how I had the eyes of a devil. Guess how that happened.