Magic and beauty exist only in stories. Wishes don’t come true. Disappointment is the only thing that I can taste on my tongue. My one hope was crushed. Each breath is a force to get out. Each day is a monotonous cycle of meaninglessness, sameness, seconds turned to minutes turned to hours turned to ash. I am driving myself mad with my rituals for everything-I have to perform them and they make it so hard to do anything. For some reason, I feel so distant from my family (I have no capacity for interest in other people’s lives)-not from anything they have done, but I just feel disconnected, drifting further and further away…I am sick of being unheard, unknown, a nobody. It saddens me that people I admire will never notice me, never even know I have a name-maybe this is a delusion or an obsession, but I feel like I need these people to talk to me and know me. And it will never happen. I don’t know why I’m an awful person. I don’t MEAN to be ungrateful, but I am. Gifts get me stressed. If I don’t use the gift as much as I think I should, then I go insane with guilt and depression. So I block it all out, because I must. Why am I such an ungrateful/messed up/awful person? When? When did I become THIS? Why? What is wrong with me? What went wrong in my head? Why why why? Why can’t I be normal?
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In your comment earlier you said you wanted to be Ana, why is that? I would not recommend it
I would be Ana, but the moment that I skip a meal, my family thinks that I may need to go to treatment-which is one of my worst fears. So I eat. But I hate my body and if I could starve myself and never eat again and be less than 100 pounds, I would.
Go outside and jog, it will improve the quality of life
Don’t put all the blame on yourself. Our minds are so intricate, we are shaped by so many things, so many little things have come together to make up our insecurities, anxieties, fears, et cetera…. at least know that you are acknowledged here, I’m not sure how much it means to you, it’s different for everyone here, but you are heard, you are noticed. Also, you are noticed in your life, and people will know your name and keep it in their head, the hard part is you probably won’t know unless they show it somehow, and a lot of people don’t…. you would be surprised at how much someone can know and deduce about you, without knowing you personally, and without you knowing it.
To Lowlight: I do jog.
To Oathkeeper: Thanks for saying I’m heard and noticed here. It DOES mean alot to me. It reminds me-if only temporarily-that somebody will know if I am dead. I can’t tell my family because I don’t want to hurt them-they have no idea what’s going on with me. You know?
Hi there, Velveteennightingale. I am a diagnosed anorexic (now recovered/ing), and I’m the last person to be giving healthy eating/dieting tips but Nepheliad did leave you some good advice on another thread you posted on:
suicideproject.org/2016/09/who-are-you-3/
Anorexia is a mental disorder that literally eats away at you… It really messed up my cognitive functions so… erhm… I’m scatterbrained and I can’t contribute anything even remotely beneficial! But please, I sincerely hope you won’t starve yourself… 🙁