I sit here, in a new house…with new furniture, and my dog and yet, I continue to be alone. The walls do not yet speak, for they have nothing to speak of. I’m lost in a world with sound that has no meaning; for I do not understand what is being said. I am lost on new ground in a void of blackness, although the sun shines. Colors faded in and out…and the colors I once use to see with music have all but disappeared. Where have I gone?
I wonder….
And I wait….
Always waiting….
The end of me is near….I feel it seeping into my bones; the embrace of a love that no one could understand, unless you have seen the edge and dare dream it further.
Which I have….I have dipped my toes into such a dark pool of liquid abyss as time has stood still and raced forward. I have learned to stand alone and pretend not to care….maybe, I do not care. Maybe, I do not understand what it means to feel. Maybe, what I feel is not real at all. Maybe, I am a hologram of my own design and inasmuch generated by nothing more than a dying frequency.
Maybe, reality is the lie within the truth. I drift on time, a sea of endless montage of past mistakes, of love lost, of all the things I shall forever miss and never capture again.
-KR
19 comments
Ive often thought that i dont even know who i am. Am i a construct of what those around have wanted me to become… but then again all the things ive screwed up… that had to be me.
Its a good thing u have ur dog. Animals can always show love, even if no one else does.
Take care.
This is very true@dog. She loves me no matter what; it doesn’t matter what mood I am in or how my world has come to an end, she is always there to love me and lick my face dry of tears. She is my only source of companionship; and right now, all I want to do is just sleep….and never wake up…but I have to think about her….for now.
Are things today worse than they have been for u? Or just same shit different day?
I wish I could say, same shit different day; which wouldn’t be that far off either but in the end….everything has literally come crashing down all around me. The man that I was with, whom I was suppose to marry, the father of our now deceased son, was not only lying to me all this time but cheating on me with this ex-wife…well, she was suppose to be his ex-wife, turns out he was still married. And there is so much more to that story that I can even put down into words. Either way, he left me alone to give birth in a hospital to our son while he was out with his wife at a hotel room and he knew exactly where I was. Then everything snowballed into something much much greater and the lies kept coming and all the while I’m finding out the truth. It’s left me scarred in a way I cannot fathom. I am now barren and I’ll never have children….not that I would want any after loosing my son. I just want to disappear with the dying sun. I don’t want to wake, I want to fall into nothingness and just drown beneath the surface of blue and green.
How are you? Same ol’ shit? Or a new bucket of fun (aka pain and misery)?
This may sound messed up but… when i was born i needed a blood transfusion & my fuck up father couldnt be found.He was screwing one of the many affairs he had on my mum. Hes the same blood type as me, &it took ages to get a doner. . So i get what dick head husbands can do. Albeit what happened to u sounds extremely heinous. He sounds like a special breed of asshole. For what its worth.. he didnt deserve u.
Im ok… but yeah kinda same shit. Battling addiction. Trying to not let it get me this time.
WOW….your father was a right tosser! WTF?! Seriously, I do not understand people, nor to I pretend to try. What is the use? I am glad that you were able to get a donor…. asshole.
He is a special breed of asshole, he really is. What is even further messed up is (and I am not being egoistical ***** here, I swear because I don’t see myself this way) I have men trailing after me like puppies most of the time. (again, no offense) I wouldn’t say that I am beautiful but I have been told that a lot. And his wife (I actually had the pleasure/displeasure of meeting her) looks…and I kid you not…like a seahorse gone WRONG!!! Not her fault but she doesn’t even try. She smells like BO…she doesn’t shave…anything! and doesn’t even try to make herself look presentable and all I can think of is: “you seriously cheated on me and lied to me…for that??? Honestly?” Granted, most ppl wouldn’t give this man the time of day but I did…bc I am not superficial and I look deeper…but maybe I should have been more superficial in the end.
I just don’t understand and I know I never will. I guess, with guys like that it’s true…they will screw anything that has a hole in which to insert themselves.
And you are right, he didn’t deserve me. I can’t stop kicking myself for being so stupid. Here I am with a PhD and this is what I have been reduced too…not that my degree matters, I am just saying, I should have been wiser or one would think I would be. Again, that came out wrong….ugh…words are not my friend today.
I hope you keep holding strong@battle. While I do not understand what you are going through, I know what is like in a different way. Hugs. Thought you might need one…god knows (lol) I could use one right about now.
You write so beautifully. Why are so many people so two faced? I had a boyfriend that I found out was cheating with his ex wife too. Man it hurts. But I’ve never lost a child and I know that if I did, there is no way I’d be able to handle that. You’re amazing that you can even get out of bed after those tragic ordeals. The only thing maybe you can find comfort in is that death will ALWAYS be there. That whether by your hand or the universe’s hand, you will die and therefore leave everything that has ever bothered you behind and realize that everything is really ok. This is just how I feel and think to get me through the days right now. I know your mind is a dark desperate maze (at least mine is) but just know, out of anyplace, we understand 😉
Thank you Gonegirl100….that means a lot. And thank you@writing. That is very kind.
I will never understand why people are so two faced…it is beyond me. I will never understand the idealization behind cheating either. If you don’t want to be with me, tell me, and leave my life as it was before.
I am sorry that you have had to go through the same things. The ONLY reason, I bother to get up out of bed in the morning is for my little Pomeranian. Whom everyone thinks is a baby fox…go figure.
Death awaits me, that much I know…right now I am just bidding my time as my sorrow and emptiness grows in the wake of who I am now becoming. I welcome it like an old friend for it’s a soft and warm as a blanket to which I cling. I want nothing more than to sink within it and let go. “Home” is not so far away, I just have to give into it and be free. These are the things I know.
I am grateful to this site and all it’s people. It’s nice to know that I am not alone on certain levels, even if all I see is an empty house of dust and particles.
Hugs back!! & twice the number.
A seahorse gone wrong!!holy shit i just fell over laughing!! It doesnt help but i guess if he cheated with a super model u could say well… kinda.
But really? BO. Seriously! Fuck me. Makes me ashamed of my breed. For real.
I am so glad I was at least able to give you a laugh… I wish I had taken a pic…I almost did actually because even I couldn’t believe it. But yeah, if he was hooking up with some supermodel, while it would still hurt, at least I would get the visual aspect of it all.
When I met her, she was wearing a sleeveless top and Soco, I kid you not…she had not shaved under her arms in at least…at least 4 weeks! I couldn’t tell where the hair on her head began and the pit hair ended. I was mortified. And don’t get me started on her legs…she was wearing a skirt…yep. *shudders* And yes, I actually was kind enough to hand over my body spray and say: “Please…spritz…keep it…it’s on me.”
(**shivering **) uugh.
Wow. What to say. .. people huh. Makes me wonder if they have mirrors. Is she a bit dim maybe? Or just a grommet?? I know i sound all superficial, which im not, im just trying to get my head around it.
When did all this happen anyways?
I think a grommet honestly…. I still cannot get my head around it. And just to help you know what I look like. I’m short and weigh 43 kilo’s, I have long blonde hair (natural) and while I am thin, I have an hourglass figure. Mrs. Seahorse gone wrong as feet that look like Smeagal from LOTR….I kid you not. COMPLETELY flat chested…seriously…she has shrunken chestesticals. Hell and that is being kind. Its like night and day…what gives???
Well the cheating started almost 7mos ago…I lost our son 7 weeks ago at 5.5 months along. We have been together for awhile. I turned into Sherlock Holmes and caught him out and in so many lies and then everything busted wide open. She flew into town the day I had to have surgery in order to give birth to our son. And that is where he was….he picked her up from the airport and took her to a hotel and yeah…then he flew out for his job. He didn’t even check on me or how I was doing. Knew what I was going through and it just kept on going from there. Now, here I sit all alone…with just my sons ashes and a broken heart and my little fox of a dog, trying to understand what the point of anything is.
So she would be the polar opposite to u then yeah?? Shit thats really not long ago at all. Im totally gobsmacked at his behaviour!!. I wish i had some words to help… but honestly, ur posts almost break my heart. Its fucked ur alone to deal with this. Its too much for anyone. Im so sorry it happened to u. Have u got family that are close at all?
Not that family can do much i guess.
Thank you and it helps that you have taken the time to just hear me out….
I actually have no family. My last living retaliative died 2 months ago, so I am all alone in this world. I have nothing and no one. I have my house and this site. And I am currently unable to work due to the surgery and the complications that came with it. So I am stuck with the echos and ghost in my mind and nothing more. I moved away and I have no friends either…my work was my life and the two friends I honestly had are in a totally different time zone than I. They are on the other side of the pond and so it makes things hard….but here, I had a place I could stay without having to worry about certain things….like rent and all of that. I’m back in my family home that was deeded to me recently.
Yes, complete opposite. I’m still baffled.
No, it wasn’t long ago… just empty arms and an empty heart. The only reason I bother to get out of bed in the morning is my dog. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t even bother to wake up. I would just curl up with a bottle of Jamerson and call it a night/day. I am not sure how long my canine companion will keep me going, I am sure it will not be much longer. And if it comes to that, she will have a good home before I go. She is such a sweet dog that only wants to please.
It just gets worse..at least u dont have rent and all that bullshit to contend with. . the fact ur still here shows how much u love ur little dog.
Im sorry to leave u like this but i got work in about 5.5 hours so gotta get some sleep. Been good chatting with u kr. Hope we talk again soon.
Please take care.
Oh and u know where i am if u need a friend. X
That I do. Thank you Soco….you are a kind soul. Have a good nap…maybe have a dream or two for me; make them nice. 🙂 HUGS!!! Sweet dreams and thank you again for listening to me.
Your post is exactly what I fear if I moved by myself, even though I can’t stand my retarded family. Having a home alone must be hard if you have no friends or people to come hang out with you, all that crap. Life is just pushing and pushing and pushing, but we still end up alone.
I hope you can find places you like to go in your neighborhood. I told my psychiatrist I don’t think I can live alone, but she believes I can. She said I can find a coffee place and read the paper, anything to get out of the house. My environment with my family is toxic. Congrats on the new house.
Having a dog is great company and a great incentive to get up. Glad you have that.
Meeting people here will be very difficult for me as I do not speak the language here. It’s a family home but it’s a “second” family home. As in….a vacation sort of house. I do love it…it’s amazing. I just cannot communicate with anyone. I’m trying to learn the language but it is not easy, it’s one of the more difficult ones to master.
I’m grateful to finally have sometime to hopefully just think about me. My relationship and my life has just been toxic. I know, I will isolate myself further but again…I have nature, that is something. My mini fox (dog) just found out what a cat was. I had a skinny black on come up to the french windows and just sit and stare. I fed him/her a nice meal, poor thing needed it…and Fox got curious about this new plaything. Looks like I might have a stray that needs tending too.
And I live in the country…so I am a ways out from the city but I do not mind the drive too much….I’m learning all the interesting road signs here. Totally different than from Scotland.
How is your day shaping up? My day here is coming to a close…sun is almost set and I’m watching the world grow dark.