I wish I could’ve given H a proper goodbye. A solid warm memory, instead of a cold whisp of rush, anxiety and panic. But my room is tidy, my plans are made. I am driving to see my family tomorrow night, and taking my dog with me for once. They think I’m staying the week, but I’ll leave in the middle of the night and go far away. They have always said if anything ever happened to me they’d take him for me, and he was my last loose end.
I have never felt more isolated in my life. It is more than an, “alone in the crowd” feeling. It is an inability to connect with any other human being. It looks like smiles and quiet withdrawals. It sounds like silence where there’d normally be words. It’s wanting someone to hug me metaphorically, but not see past the version of me that I project. It’s the declining of dinner invitations to sit at home and stare at the box that contains exactly what could release me from this. I’ll be gone before they ever knew it was this bad. I’m sorry.
I’ll be there and then I won’t be. It’ll be like I never existed. This world will be so much better off without the inconvenience that is my life. Don’t worry about me, and please don’t be sad. It is more painful for me to stay than it is to just go. I never belonged here in the first place.
4 comments
You should still stay though. I understand the inability to connect with others, and I get how lonesome and frustrating it can be. Sometimes all we need is a little patience, to sit quietly by ourselves and wait for the moment to come to us. I think if you just ignore your problem, and focus on something else to while away the time, someone you can actually connect with will come along.
29 years. But thanks for the pep talk.
To Diem, I have done the same thing since I first started my downward spiral into despair (nine years and counting, now), using as the excuse not to end it as simply “Hey, maybe if I hold on just a little longer, it will give the universe or whatever a chance to finally show me something or give me an opportunity to want to live.” I have spent nine years now waiting and searching for that excuse, and I have only descended further than I had ever imagined possible. There comes a point when it is just time to go. As the Eels song, Suicide Life, said, “I’m so tired of living the suicide life. That ain’t no reason to live”.
To pondersaurus, I have been to the edge so many times that I cannot count them any longer. I have multiple methods at hand and a plan to implement a few others, whichever is most convenient at the time that I decide to go. I guess that I keep hoping for that elusive excuse or connection to get me to stay, but nine years has told me that it is unlikely to come at all, and if it does, it is unlikely to last. I also have gotten to the point where every interaction feels forced. I try to put on a smile, even though I know that I am no longer any good at it. Anything I say has a concerning depressed tone to it that I think people have just gotten to the point where they can’t hear it anymore. It is not like I am calling out for help or anything, but it definitely is isolating when any effort to connect is met with only skin-deep interactions that don’t count for anything. So, I have ended up just declining invitations out, too; they couldn’t possibly do anything but kill someone else’s mood and make me even more tired than I already am. I hope that you find a connection that helps you want to stay, but I know exactly how unlikely that actually is. However, if you ever would like to talk for awhile, I am here. And you can email me at sacrificial_shaun @ yahoo.com (delete the spaces), if you want to.
You are the first person ive ever spoken to that I feel actually understands what it is like to feel what I’m feeling. Id love to talk to you a bit. Thank you.