Back Again

Hello. It has been a minute. Haven’t been here since last month. It is going ok. Two things I want to talk about. First thing: I am applying to college. Going through the application process really fucking sucks. It is stressful and I just hate it. You never really know what the answer is and you are expected to be this sort of ultra person that is good at academics, volunteer work, have all these dreams and aspirations along with a plan to achieve them and all this other shit. I just don’t have what it takes I guess. I don’t want to go in state. I fucking hate Texas. I don’t have the money for an out of state school nor the talent to get a scholarship for those ivy league ones. I’m already accepted into A&M, but like I said I hate Texas and also think that it would be a big waste of time. It seems extremely easy to get through all their classes considering I didn’t really even spend a lot of time on their application process and I still got in. I want a challenge I guess. The funny thing is that when ever I bring this up to my mom she tells me that I’m stuck up or whatever. This is funny considering she looks down on anyone that attends a community college. I’m applying to this big name college in Boston, but I doubt I’ll even get in. Even if I do though some miracle, I can’t afford it. As I go through this whole process, I start to realize that I don’t even really have anything to look forward too. I had all these convoluted ideas of what I would do with my life, but they all seem like pipe dreams now. Nothing really matters to me I guess. I say this, and when I think about it, I can’t say I’m depressed. I’m not sad or angry or anything. I have no desire to kill myself. But at the same time I can’t say that I’m happy. I can’t say that I have any desire to go on with my life. It’s like I am in limbo. I don’t feel strongly about anything. I just don’t really care. I don’t know. Second Thing: There is this girl. So lately I have been trying to be more sociable. I’ve tried talking to people I normally wouldn’t talk to and walked around some Renaissance fair with a couple of kids in my class. I have even decided that I am going to try a get a date with a girl by the end of the year. My initial reason for all of this was so that I would be able to function better when I go away to college (Ironic don’t you think). Anyways I now have this thing for this girl. Or at least I think I do. I’ve never been real good at clarifying my feelings. I often argue with myself over if I should even do anything about it. If the situation was a bit better I might have already gone for it. See the thing is, she could possibly be dating someone. I’m not quite sure. I already asked one of her friends and he doesn’t even know. So there’s that and this other thing. There is this kid who is possibly going through some issues. Hell he might even be on this site and be reading this post. Anyways, he seems to be going through something right now and he depends on her to be his anchor. She is the person he goes to when every he starts having a problem. You know what I’m talking about. It’s even gotten to a point where he skips his own class to go and find her in her class so he can talk to her. Yesterday as the school day was about to end, he comes in on the verge of tears looking for her. They talked, but it seems like he was about to have a mental breakdown. Now obviously I know what that is like and so I gave them space and didn’t inquire anything because honestly it is none of my business and I don’t want to be a dick. Point is, things seem real complicated right now and I honestly don’t want to screw things up for her. I don’t know what to do. Do you got any advice? Hell she might not even like me all that much. I barley even know her nor have we talked all that much. But I’m sick of just not doing anything when it comes to a girl I like. I want to actually try and win a girl over. What should I do? Should I try to get to know her better and eventually ask her out. Or should I just back off and move on. Thoughts? Anyways thanks for listening. I might start posting again. If this shit keeps up who knows?