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Hmm, i kinda wrote this when i was pretty upset – Though i’d post it ;/
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Sorry,
I sometimes tell myself that it will get better the next day, or maybe even in a week but it never happens.
 Ashleigh, my best friend, she is proberly the reason why this hasn’t happened sooner. She is the one that has never left my side, she’s the one who has accepted all my stupid decisions and mistakes. I can’t bear to leave her in all that pain when i’m gone, but hopefully in time she will understand why i have done what i did.
If there is such a thing as God, he’s had alot of fun destroying my life. I don’t believe in God at all now.
I have cuts deep on my wrists, arms and thighs, every now and then I get an urge to just take out a blade and cut my arms to bits or just stab myself in the gut.
I’m sick of feeling like a burden to everyone.
Kayleigh, her goal in life seems to be making my life miserable. She laughs at me all the time, spreads rumours and picks at my every insecurity, she used to be my bestfriend for about 4 years.. now she is the one telling me i need to go on a diet and how much of a shit person i am. She’s the reason i trust NO ONE. She’s made me question every single person in my life and come to the conclusion that no one is who they make out to be. Her goal was to make my life hell, well congratulations Kayleigh, you’ve done it. Feel proud? Maybe now you might start to care and i hope you feel the pain that i went through everyday.
I just can’t take it anymore. This is not a decision that I have made lightly, i’ve thought about it for the last three years everyday.
.
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4 comments
uhm, can like anyone email me?
i just need someone to talk to that understands.
hayley_bevin@hotmail.com
hi hayley. i don’t wanna email you cause my mind is fcked up like hell but i just wanna say that im proud of you because you were able to take the pain for 3 years. I have only been fucked up like this for 1 year but I feel like I can’t take it anymore. I adore you.
Hayley, Hi!
I was wondering how you are doing now. You sound like such a sweet person (you love your friends and feel hurt by the ones who have turned against you…well, the ones that turned havent figured out what friendship is so they cant actually be a real friend anyways….just the illusion of one, once….sounds like you have a couple of friends who really mean a great deal to you and you mean a great deal to them…is it possible to speak with them or their moms? sometimes another friends mom can step in and help a young person…I hope in the past that I have been able to add some light to my children’s friends when they have had their darkest hours).
Hayley, you have kind of saved me tonight, so thank you….I am a mother of four children, one is at university (and told me she is terribly lonely this weekend and I dont have the money to fly there to see her or fly her home..though i will get the money to do that in a few weeks)…but I also have a 17 year old daughter who I had to have her father come and pick her up tonight and take her to his house because she is going thru something and takes all her anger out on me (I know she doesnt respect me for staying with her father for so many years…I was terribly unhappy and lost myself and the light that was always me, thru that marriage…I am gaining it back, except on days when he comes by and treats me like less than a human….on those days i generally tell him to leave and when he chooses to remember to respect me as the mother of his children then he can come in the house)…anyways..that is off the subject….sorry……what i was going to say is that i love my daughter very much, but we keep losing the connection between us…..she is lovely and funny and can be the most incredible young woman, but then something happens (I dont know if her body sugar is off, or if some phone call has triggered something to make her day go wrong, or if i have done something or if some homework has stressed her out ) and she takes it out on me (no doubt used to seeing her father having done that for 20 years..well, 17). anyways….once this summer i had her pack her bags and move to her dads…it lasted four days (i missed her terribly but she was verbally abusive to me and I have two little ones who feel the calm sucked out of the house when she starts to be abusive). anyways…she came back, wrote me an apology, and it has been great for weeks now….in fact i told her that since she really doesnt want to go to her dads she could just go for dinners on his week and come home to her own bed and room at night…..but today the blowup happened…..I dont know why……and she would not apologize and was incredibly angry that i was calm and insistent that she apologize for the cruel things she had said …..it got worse so i told her (as my therapist told me i must try to show her she needs to learn to respect her family…we are not mean to her and love her so very much) to go to her dads for his week (the little ones are already over there)…and well, it was incredibly horrible…she said every terrible thing she could possibly say and all i really wanted to do was cry and hold her and stop it all, but i packed her school books and uniforms up and walked them and her to the door. I dont know if she will come back…but it was bad the one time this happened before and i hope that maybe she realizes she has to be kinder and if she needs help I will find whatever help she needs (she cancelled a session with a lovely woman this week who works with teens and helps them get thru the rough years)…anyways…..after everyone left, i cried and cried and cried and i thought about the pills , sleeping pills, etc. and how no one will be here till next friday so if i took them all i could really be gone from all this pain…but then i pulled up this site and read your letter and thought my god! you are just a kid! and i want you to know that life has a whole lot of bumps in it , but if you can stick it out honey, there are a whole lot of wonderful things in it too. Gosh, for all the pain and hurt and tears over the years (with an unfortunate marriage, a not-so-great dad, a mom who i loved but wasnt able to protect herself let alone my brother and me, and then now, a teenage daughter who pretty much hates my guts) I have lived a life filled with so much joy, so many amazing friends (many of whom have come back into my life since i left my husband who didnt want me to have friends), friends who i truly love and would do just about anything for or with, and children who i love with all my heart, even through the really terrible stuff (even when i feel like they hate me….so far the little ones havent felt that for me, but I am getting the feeling that maybe part of being a teenager is the whole separation and becoming an individual and sometimes that comes with anger and sometimes it comes with uneasyness or embarassment or once in a blue moon i think some kids are really lucky and their parents too, and it is smooth sailing.)…but it is all about growing up….get thru the teenage years, and move into the twenties……believe it or not there is a lot of fun in those years…..a lot of hard work too…i used to work 4 or 5 jobs to pay off university and pay for an apartment and travelling (fav. thing)….and then when you hit your 30s wow! life starts to settle into interesting realms and you become the person you were meant to be but searching for all those years…..
If you can pull yourself outside of the sadness, Hayley, and meditate, or do something good for yourself…escape into a book, or write in a journal, or write poetry or songs (emily dickinson wrote the most amazing poetry because she too went thru so much, only she felt she couldnt leave her fathers home…she only felt comfortable in the house and garden)…but there is a whole world of people who have gone thru something similiar dear, and my god, someday, you will look back and be so happy you simply wrote the letter, and didnt follow thru…I know i am happy for you..and your friends, your true friends, them too. As for the mean kids, and well parents (honest to god, i realized one day when one of my teenage daughters was talking to me explaining how to do something on the computer, and i seriously thought i was listening to her, but my brain turned off at some point because well it just did, and then she looked at me and said “mom, you didnt hear a word i said did you?” and i looked rather sheepishly up at her and grinned and said “oh my god…i just did what you kids do to me if i talk too much or make an explanation too long, i just , without truly meaning to, turned off, and no , i couldnt possibly tell you what you said after you started the first few words about the computer” . it was one of those “aha” moments that you get a lot of as you get older….when you recognize that just because you sometimes dont listen or someone isnt listening to you, or there has been some sort of miscommunication, doesnt mean that the worlds need to fall apart….just shake your head , laugh, and realize that we are all just amazing souls on this truly amazing journey….and if we stay positive, we can turn pretty well anything around.
you turned my day around, Hayley, with your letter……i am not sure i would have gone for the pills but so many times in my life i have come close to it, and i am always always grateful when the pain finally goes away to know that i am alive, and laughing with my children and with my friends. Would i ever want to be a teenager again? no…i think those are the toughest years of a persons life….so get thru them….laugh along the way…..and know that you are loved….because you are! and this world is a big playground, sweetie…..so enjoy it….study hard, do YOUR best, and find compassion for those who dont have patience or compassion within them…..that will stop them in their tracks and confuse them…..you are better than all the mean stuff out there that other kids or people can throw at you….please remember that….and gosh, Hayley, have a great life.
p.s. you might want to consider becoming a writer..seriously….please take care of yourself
Heather,
there are 2 possibilities you are facing.
Your 17 years old daughter is leaving you.
Or you are leaving all your children.
Facing problem, firstly you have to understand it.
After the understanding, you’ll see if it is remediable.
Seemingly you are shirking from your responsibility.
As being a wife, mother, and yourself.
You are better off by yourself, living alone, accordingly in your old ways, but without your family.
Since you expect love from your children, you need to change.
Your therapist telling you to tell your daughter to be respectful?
I’m telling you to tell your therapist to be respectful herself.
If the therapist is right, and you are right, you would not have said and behaved what you did, and received the blow.
You are just harvesting your consequence.
Your daughter is already too old to be told to apologize.
She is old enough to see what’s right and to be expected to act individually in her own willingness. Children follow, as long as their role models are considered respectful.
It matters that you don’t understand your daughter.
If she has lived a long time with her dad, you are witnessing another mirror effect of your husband.
You see her good or bad, is all related to your husband.
But you can choose not to withstand all this again and kill yourself, or forget them all and live alone, or try to see what’s wrong with you and to improve yourself.
In your comment to Hayley, you forgot who you were dealing with, but obsessed in what you are.
Your long letter is killing long, without aiming right to the point.
But one thing you state out right, you are kind.
However kindness can also kill.
Have you ever seen a beggar attacked because a kind person donated 2 ten cents into his can mixed with various dollar bills?
The least value in that can was 1 dollar. I was there and I wondered the kind person was too stupid or not kind enough.
I walked on by the beggar but offer nothing. Instead I saw the beggar’s attack was limited to throwing the 2 coins out hard to the pavement, and verbally abusive only, and I understood the outbreak of madness of the beggar’s point of view.
If you need my manly help, which you totally lack of, open your story board, step by step, I can guide you through.
You don’t understand man, and are against man. Your daughter was just posing the side of man she stood for.
And it really depends on whether you want a real good change or not.