My letter.

  October 11th, 2009 by hayleymarie

 

Hmm, i kinda wrote this when i was pretty upset – Though i’d post it ;/

 

Sorry,

I can’t do this anymore. I’ve been living like this for nearly three years now. I cry nearly everyday & thinking about hurting myself is the main thought that goes through my head, every single day. Please forgive me for I never meant to hurt anyone and I hope that in time you will come to understand why I did what I did. I’m failing at everything i try, even the stuff that I used to be good at. I have come to the conclusion that doing this is the only way I can ever be happy. Mum and Dad, I know that you proberly won’t understand at all, the little insults you say to me, the times you call me fat or make fun of my weight, they destroyed me. I cut myself, and you found out about that from my counciller, yet you still critisie me. I have no self esteem at all, thanks to you. The times you called me fat, dad and Karen. And mum, i was brought up as your punching bag for all your stress, the day i ran away from your house was the day I stood up for myself, and now you don’t even care that i’m at Dad’s, you act as if everything is normal, but it’s not, you ruined my childhood. I remember one day clearly when my friend Jessica was over when I was about 9 or 10, you hit me infront of her, she was terrified, and still talks about it to this day. I thought you would be the ones to help me out after finding out about my self harm, well heres something you didn’t know, or take time to figure out. My codiene addiction, it’s slowly killing me, i take enough so that I can’t stand up. It makes my problems go away. Now that i’m gone, you might start to care.

I sometimes tell myself that it will get better the next day, or maybe even in a week but it never happens.

 Ashleigh, my best friend, she is proberly the reason why this hasn’t happened sooner. She is the one that has never left my side, she’s the one who has accepted all my stupid decisions and mistakes. I can’t bear to leave her in all that pain when i’m gone, but hopefully in time she will understand why i have done what i did.

If there is such a thing as God, he’s had alot of fun destroying my life. I don’t believe in God at all now.

I have cuts deep on my wrists, arms and thighs, every now and then I get an urge to just take out a blade and cut my arms to bits or just stab myself in the gut.

I’m sick of feeling like a burden to everyone.

Kayleigh, her goal in life seems to be making my life miserable. She laughs at me all the time, spreads rumours and picks at my every insecurity, she used to be my bestfriend for about 4 years.. now she is the one telling me i need to go on a diet and how much of a shit person i am. She’s the reason i trust NO ONE. She’s made me question every single person in my life and come to the conclusion that no one is who they make out to be. Her goal was to make my life hell, well congratulations Kayleigh, you’ve done it. Feel proud? Maybe now you might start to care and i hope you feel the pain that i went through everyday.

I just can’t take it anymore. This is not a decision that I have made lightly, i’ve thought about it for the last three years everyday.

Ashleigh i love you and i’m sorry

.

Please forgive me, Hayley.

 

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