Feeling deep frustration

If you had told me 20 years  ago what was coming I’d have laughed in disbelief. I developed a social phobia which kept me inside for a long time and I’ve had OCD variants.

I couldn’t afford to be suicidal before, but I did have it in my mind that If a bereavement which was certain to happen at some point actually came out about I would make my mind up and act at that time. That bereavement has happened and It’s really the final straw.

Shockingly I’ve now ran into a brick wall with methods (Im not asking for help with methods, I probably them all by now) I don’t live in a country where guns are avaliable. I’m not too good with knots for tying a noose, although I’ve still not ruled out the belt method that Robin Williams used but I’m scared I’d botch it. I don’t live in a place with a lot of high buildings and I don’t know if I could get access to the top of em anyway.  The only one method I keep coming back to is the train, but I’d have to lie on the tracks to be certain of it, and I’d leave a hell of a mess behind for my relatives, not to mention the damage to the driver. It’s also a method that scares me tbh, I don’t know if  I could work up the courage to do it, and I’d be scared If I did then I’d ***** out and try to get up and jump out if the way in the seconds before the train hit me. Still It’s the one I kept coming back to.

This delay has plunged me into a neverending, hellish frustrating nightmare. My sucide has gotta happen at some point though. I think of where I’ll be in a years time and I simply cannnot be on this earth