I’ve been caught in this loop for so long, going round and round in my own head. I can’t see any way to live a decent or meaningful life. I don’t think I’m capable of making a real connection with anyone. I can’t see any way of making who I am, and what I’ve done, ok with the world. It feels like I shouldn’t exist. If there’s no way to find peace, or happiness, or contentment, or connection with others, then surely it’s better to end it. To put myself out of my own misery.
But how could I do that to my family? I think it would destroy them. And they don’t deserve that. My mother cares so much about me. All she wants is to see me happy. My father has done everything for me. He’s always been there when I’ve needed help. Even my sister might fall apart, though we haven’t spoken in a month. None of them know how bad I really am as a person, and I think losing the idea they have of me would be devastating.
It feels like such a slap in the face, to do that to them, after all the awful things I’ve done. After everything they’ve done for me, to just check out. I don’t see how I could ever do it, knowing it would have that kind of effect.
But maybe that’s just an excuse. Perhaps I just can’t overcome my own survival instincts to do the rational thing. Or maybe subconsciously I really love my isolated, superficial life, and all these thoughts are just idle navel gazing.
So I go on doing nothing. I continue to waste my life away, with no real connections, touching nobody, contributing nothing, consumed by regret & longing.
6 comments
Playing catch-up is a ***** and a half. You might want to set a date. Get it over with. Or find out you’re not ready.
There’s water underground. But you have to dig deep.
Find the locks.
I feel almost identical to you. I don’t see the reason for the ‘pee’ title (am I missing the joke?) but other than that I could have written the same thing.
Obviously I know it’s Shakespeare with ‘be’ replaced with pee. I just don’t get the reason for the wordplay.
No reason, just me being weird.
Looking at the title I thought you were going to talk about the obligation of digestion. You know when apathy sets in so deeply that going to bathroom seems like a chore, and every time you get that feeling in your bladder you sigh an exhausted breathe and think “not again…”.
That may have been on my mind at the time of writing.