The “Never Ending” Cycle

Hello. The cycle has begun again. So Wednesday, after making my last post, I had a sort of small meltdown. I was getting something from the fridge and my father was getting on my case over taking some claritin he left me on the counter that morning. I told him for the fourth time that I was going to take the sleeping one right before I go to bed. He walked away and started to mutter about how I’m going crazy and that he’s tired of dealing with my anxiety or something to that effect. No usually I would just call him an asshole under my breath and walk away, but this time I lost it. Now when I say lost it, I mean that I privately lost it. I’m trying to avoid going back to therapy, so losing it in front of them is probably a bad idea. I went into my room and locked the door. Then I started to cry. I cried silently, letting the tears roll down my face. Then I started to get angry. Why do I allow them to talk down to me like that? Why do I let them just walk away? I started to pace around the room and just let it all out. I felt alot of things. Anger, sadness, loneliness, disgust. Then my mind just started to wonder towards the people at school. Why do I even care what they think? Why do I even get up and go to school? Like I said, I usually don’t have these, but everything has just been building up in my head lately. That day, I cried it all out. It was like vomiting all the demons out of my head. Every shitty thing just spilled out. Then that little annoying voice in my head started to yell. It screamed at me to do it. I have the motivation now so I should do it. Don’t think about the consequences just do it. Everything will be fine once you do it. Eventually I just got into a corner and silently sobbed to myself. I picked myself up and took a shower. After that everything just became clear in my head. All the terrible stuff got vomited out. That’s the thing though. It can never really all go out. It’s still in there. My fears for the future, my social anxieties, my anger, my loneliness. They’re like weeds that are wrapped around my head. Right now they have been cut down some, but I can still feel them growing in there. Constricting my brain, squeezing the life out of me. The next day at school I started talking to people again (The few days prior I was more silent than usual). So after all that was I going to go back to normal? After contemplating suicide in an emotional breakdown, was I really just going to go back to the way things were? I realized that I am doomed to an “unending” cycle. I am going to go through life building up all the bad stuff in my head, until I’m at the verge of committing suicide, and then come right back down and start all over again. This is what my life is going to be. The literal hell of going through that over and over and over again. The only way to resolve that is by learning how to be truly happy or end it all. I know that I will never be truly happy. When is the cycle going to end? When am I going to end? Thank you for listening.